Triad Situations I am curious....a million questions

[nycindie]

O-o-ooohhh, okay. You've made the situation so much clearer now. Thank you. Yeah, he seems extremely immature. I wonder what your GF gets out of her relationship with him, if they aren't sexual and she can see why he's so annoying to you, LOL.

It doesn't seem anywhere remotely a situation where the three of you should move in together. That is never anything to take lightly, even if one is used to having a ton of people around. It's your space and you have every right to some peace and quiet and alone time!

How long have they been seeing each other? With someone like that, who is so immature, pouty, a bit of a drama junkie (seems to me), and to some degree just taking advantage of your good nature, I would wait until they've been solidly together for two years before even considering living with him. He needs to show more of a track record of responsibility -- financially and otherwise. And until that happens, I would -- if I were you -- ask for certain days and times that he not come over at all, so you can nourish your time with your GF and not feel invaded. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for two whole days each week to be set aside for just the two of you.

Just my two cents (but I think this is actually brilliant of me!)...

[Abstract]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Ach. Of course you need alone time. Most of us do. Some people are introverts and get really worn out after being with others too much.

I am fairly extroverted but really enjoy my "me time."

Hm, so he isn't actually having sex with your gf? Why not?

So we have known him for two years. We met him together when we were out one night. He was nice and fun to hangout with. He gave me his number. We all hung-out a lot as friends. My partner found him fun and attarctive and ask if it would be ok if she asked him out on a date. I loved the idea, because I got a long with him, and so did she. She waited a long, long time before ever asking him out, and he didn't know she was poly up until that point.

He was new to poly and over a few weeks started getting the wrong idea. Thought that her dating outside of our relationship equated to her not getting what she needed from me.

3 or 4 months into their relationship he started causing issues. More or less talking to mutual friends telling them how his big plan was to "get me out of the picture" He admits to saying this, but also said it wasn't how he really felt that he was just feeling inadequate in front of friends and that he didn't know how to deal with it...

We talked to him about it, and explained to him AGAIN that I was not going to be out of the picture, and that he needed to figure out if this kind of relationship worked for him.

Of course I jumped on the boundaries, rules band wagon. I asked her to please not sleep with him for two weeks. I guess she already had told him that she didn't plan on sleeping with him for 6 months no matter how good things were going. That she needed time and felt he should take time as well to figure out what his intentions were, and where he saw things going.

I think it's actually been 7 months now, But I am not counting. I know they haven't had sex.

He's bi but doesn't want male lovers? Why not? Is he asexual? Does your gf want to have sex with him and he won't, or is there some other reason this guy that is over all the time isnt actually having sex with his gf?

He only wants to have sex with men, the last time him and I talked about it. The relationship aspect isn't appealing to him. He hasn't had sex with any men since we have known him. I know he had sex with 3 or 4 before we met him, and I know he went to a gay club with my partner and kissed some guy, but thats about it.

Honestly if he would have sex with other people, it would make my life so much easier. like even if he did live with us, but went out on dates every now and than with other people, or hell even had hobby, it would be so much better!

B doesnt get along with his parents and so wants to escape. Why live with you 2? Why not get roommates in an apartment like most young men that don't want to live with their parents do?

Both my partner and I have brought this up to him. He says that although he doesn't like his family it won't change that his needs are not really met by not living with us. He has lots of other excusses too.

I speculate that it is because he thinks that if we know he is not going home to having to deal with so much BS that we will be more likely to ask him to go home. He thinks he is going to miss something by not being in our house. It seems to bother him when we talk about things that happen when he is not around in front of him. Or even things that happened before we knew him.

To me, any guy that feels jealous when the kids are getting the attention he feels he deserves, is immature and needy and probably has low self esteem. My ex (note, ex), father of our kids, used to resent the attention our young children needed and took it out on me in passive aggressive ways.

I used to think it was only me that saw this, until last Christmas. I spent Christmas day with the kids and my partner. The next day I went to visit some other family. Their dad came over to open gifts. He knows B and gets along with him, so didn't care that he was over. He didn't know that my partner was dating him though. Their Dad even said to my partner later that B was an attention sucker, and that he was disappointed that he was trying to steal attention from the kids while they were opening gifts. I was really glad someone saw this and it wasn't just all in my head that this went on

How old are your kids?

they are 10 and 14

[Abstract]

sorry I tried to do the quote thing...I did it worng I am not forum savy yet : (

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Abstract

sorry I tried to do the quote thing...I did it worng I am not forum savy yet : (

Just put: [/QUOTE] after a quote and before your response, and then add: [QUOTE] in front of the next section of your quote if you have one. Make sure if you respond again, you add another /QUOTE inside brackets after that section and before your next response. You can edit messages up to 12 hours after posting them.

[Abstract]

I am not sure what she gets out of the relationship either. I think on some level it is the feeling of being needed. She seems to play so much of a motherly role. It was the same with her ex-husband as well....Very needy, and so I think at first she likes that feeling, but than I think it bites her in the ass. Its not at no fault of her own and she knows this, but she allows them to become so co-dependant that, they can't let her go, and in times like with he ex-husband, when she was ready to go. She felt so guilty, like she turned him into what he was and now it was her responsibility to take care of him.

With B it is much that same as it was with the ex. B and the Ex-husband both did not have good relationships with their families especially their mothers.

I am not sure if that type is drawn to her, or if she is drawn to that type. She treated me much the same in many ways. Very loving, very affectionit, always tried to do more than she should, but I don't need that so I never really saw it as anything more than kindness, and caring and loving.

The lines get blurred between when he went from friend to Bf, about two years I think he has been in a Bf role, maybe less


I did talk to her a bit today about how I am feeling about him moving in. She said that she understands. She said she had a feeling that I was going to bring it up soon. He was a bit dramatic today, which I think is why she knew a talk was coming. She agreed that we need to wait a lot longer, before we keep talking about this or thinking about moving in that direction.

My partner said that after his acting out, our daughter said something to her about his behavior. Something to the effect of "if I ever acted like that in front of people you would kill me" I think it was a big eye-opener for my partner. I am not glad it happened, but I am glad it happened.

I am happy to be able to put this on the backburner for a while. I also showed her some of the post on here. Not just in response to these post, but some other things as well. She said that she never really thought about all the other situations that might work. She even said shockingly that if B couldnt deal with not living with us that might just be his problem.

I am so glad I decided to post on this forum : )