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  #11  
Old 07-03-2011, 08:22 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
What is the timeline on your progress? You say you started out holding hands and cuddling, and now you are at a point where kissing is ok, and you snuggle who you want. How long has this taken? I'm starting to think I might be pushing myself into a boundary-setting which will only make things take longer...
We're at a year, now. It was probably around 8 months when everything became close to natural.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Common courtesy, really. A bit of self control won't kill them. If it bothers them too much to act like adults when you're there, I am afraid your wife's idea of spending cozy evenings with both her her men will not work. She, as the fulcrum of the V, must work to help both of you guys feel comfortable, wanted and desired. NRE is no excuse for rude, inconsiderate behavior.
This. I've bolded all the important parts.
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  #12  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:33 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Okey, I have been obviously very bad at describing the setup for the situation. :-)
My partner has done, and will do, exactly as I say when it comes to boundaries. I have not said explicitly that I don't want them to kiss and cling when I'm out of the room, I have quite to the contrary said that I want them to act as they want. Now, I realise that I can't handle that, so I told them to dial it back. They are both able to control themselves, but I haven't been good at voicing my opinion. It's only been a month, less than a month actually, and we're all still learning, me more than them. What has worked very well, has been when they've had 1-2 hours alone before the group-thing, to get some steam out.
We will be having a "family meeting" next week, before a big summer-party we're throwing, and I will try to be as honest and open as I possibly can, about what I can handle and not. I don't see us going back to hand-holding and cuddling, but I do see that I need to be more explicit about the clinging.

But again, I'm the one at fault here for being wishy-washy about the boundaries. They are not making out and moaning the second I leave the room, by all means, it's not black and white. What I have learned from this is that I have to listen to what my partner says, when she tells me to SAY WHAT I WANT. :-) My main fault in this is trying to act normal, trying to just let it happen and "force" myself into accepting it. But I have learned that it's not a good way to make this work, so I will be more honest with myself, and set some "rules of conduct" we all can live with. And I intend to make this work. :-)

Thanks for all the input, I'm learning every day, but I want to make it absolutely clear one last time, my partner is not cruel or evil and disrespectful, she is merely trying to understand me and act upon what I say is ok.
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  #13  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
...every time I left the room, they melted and the last thing I heard was "kaplosh" when I left, and then the slow sucking sound of two squids being pulled apart just before I came back in.
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
They are not making out and moaning the second I leave the room...
OK, something of a contradiction here. It does seem you have a bit of difficulty expressing your needs. And yes, Vanilla should be giving you 10-15 seconds of attention every hour or so when your V is together. I am not usually sarcastic, but um... 10-15 seconds???
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  #14  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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This whole situation sounds like a huge case of miscommunication and non-communication.
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  #15  
Old 07-03-2011, 09:59 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Hah, yes, I see that contradiction. Thing is, we've had....urrr....3 group settings, and every time has been different, Vanilla is desperately trying to adjust to my flailing, and I know that's a tall order. That is why we are doing it on wednesday, with the main agenda being "order of conduct", where everyone gets to say what they want and need.
When I said 10-15 seconds, my point was not pr hour, or anything like that. I understand that it's unnatural and in a lot of ways painful to "fake" an interest, to try to balance her love and make me feel happy. I have been under the insane assumption (and hope?) that she *wanted* to be supercuddly and tight with both of us, but I never thought of *asking* her if that was what she actually wanted, until...a day or two ago, or today, days are like weeks now.
I just assumed (very dangerous trait I have) that "I want to have a relationship with both of you" meant that she wanted to express her love in the exact same manner. She can not possibly reflect the NRE-intensity to me, I understand that now, after we actually talked about it, so it's now in my hands to describe what I actually want, and what I can handle in a group setting.
I realise that it's not going to gradually change into a lovefest, it's going to change into what our level of every day affection is, possibly a little more. We are more cuddly in every day life though, I certainly have learnt to appreciate her more, and some of the cuddle-NRE spills over, wonderful stuff!

I have always been laidback, happy-go-lucky with things, just assuming things will work out, but I realise that mono-poly relationship is NOT something I can take lightly, and I have to be better at stating my needs, and have actually realistic ones, not ones where she bubbles with NRE for me as well.
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  #16  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:01 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This whole situation sounds like a huge case of miscommunication and non-communication.
Yupp, I realise that. I think the weekly meetup mentioned earlier is a brilliant idea. Perfect way to have scheduled group-time with predictable behaviour, non ad-hoc, and deal with impulse-meetups separately.

I am certainly a child when it comes to communication in groups, I see that. I think I don't want to feel vulnerable or exposed around him, don't know. Will do much better next wednesday!
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  #17  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:17 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Default Sorry...

Okey, I see this wasn't a good day for my question. I have had a cold sore for more than a week, keeping me from kissing my partner, and things are bundling up a bit.

I am sorry for making the impression that Vanilla is the one to blame for how I feel. Vanilla, I'm sorry.

I am the one jumping all over the place, pushing and prodding, both them and myself, and it hasn't even been a month... *sigh* Sorry for flailing, it's what I do worst...
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  #18  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:38 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
Okey, I see this wasn't a good day for my question. I have had a cold sore for more than a week, keeping me from kissing my partner, and things are bundling up a bit.

I am sorry for making the impression that Vanilla is the one to blame for how I feel. Vanilla, I'm sorry.

I am the one jumping all over the place, pushing and prodding, both them and myself, and it hasn't even been a month... *sigh* Sorry for flailing, it's what I do worst...
Oh no worries over here. We can see you flip flopping crazily, contradicting yourself, and generally worrying about what's reasonable and unreasonable to request. Vanilla must also be drowning in NRE at this point.

Indigo was not great at expressing his needs at first, fearing he'd be too selfish. So he'd okay things, and then not be quite so okay with them. I was crazy with NRE and didn't listen especially well to the voice in my head that warned me he was saying one thing, but all other cues were pointing to something different.

You guys will get the hang of it, and I certainly don't see red flags in either of your behaviour. Just stuff to work on!
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  #19  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:41 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Re-reading this thread fills me with sadness for my own shortcomings. It is SO coloured by feelings, rather than facts. Not good. I am actually feeling ashamed. This is sadly reflecting how I often communicate, poorly and inadequately, saying what I think will resolve the situation, rather than what I can stand for. I see this is another of my issues I need to work on.

TP: Busted. :-) Vanilla is *really* starting to get a grasp on sniffing out when I say something I don't mean, and that really helps. What I have realised recently though is that in this, there is almost no selfishness, within reason, it's coping and surviving. And if this is gonna work for all of us, I have to man up and be "selfish" enough to say what I feel, not what I think I want to feel.
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  #20  
Old 07-04-2011, 01:36 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I still don't know what you mean by "group settings." Please, if you're talking about group sex and threesomes, say GROUP SEX and THREESOMES! If you're talking about just hanging out as a group, please be specific about what you want to do. It helps everyone here to be able to offer encouragement, feedback, or advice IF WE KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Thanks.

(Or maybe it's me who just isn't getting it)

But please take care not to be so critical of yourself. Have compassion for what you're going through. You're okay!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2011 at 01:39 AM.
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