i'm back again and scared of divorce now

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

I would say if you and your partner are really soul-mates, he will appreciate your interests because they're yours and you will appreciate his femininity because it's his. Your love for each other will lead you to look at strange things from the perspective of your partner and see them in a new light. When you're not able to do this, it could mean you're out of love.

I call bullshit. First, "soulmate" is a concept and doesn't really mean anything to anyone unless they subscribe to that notion that they exist.

Second, (and the most important part of my response) is that people naturally have societal conditioning, inhibitions, insecurities, all kinds of belief systems, and just plain old preferences. Just because someone is not comfortable with a partner's fetish does not mean they no longer love them. Saying that sounds like an attack, actually, and is uncalled for.

One of the good things about poly is that we can indulge in the fetishes and desires of our partners... or not! AND know and appreciate that someone else can give the ones we love something we cannot. This doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't challenge our own belief systems, push our own boundaries and limits, make an effort to see if we can try it out some new "weird" practices, live with our partners' proclivities which do not mesh with our own, or surrender to it as an adventure or game, as my previous answer suggested. With love and patience, almost anything is possible. But to imply that love could be lost if the OP doesn't get onboard, is simply ridiculous and mean-spirited -- especially when said to someone who is struggling and admittedly scared of how this development might affect the relationship.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I call bullshit. First, "soulmate" is a concept and doesn't really mean anything to anyone unless they subscribe to that notion that they exist.

It would be an interesting discussion what love is or could mean and whether unconditional love exists and what that means and what "soulmate" means or could mean. Considering how complex that discussion could get, it's nice that you just "called bullshit" to state your opinion.

Second, (and the most important part of my response) is that people naturally have societal conditioning, inhibitions, insecurities, all kinds of belief systems, and just plain old preferences. Just because someone is not comfortable with a partner's fetish does not mean they no longer love them. Saying that sounds like an attack, actually, and is uncalled for.

You're right. You can't deny your own feelings to unconditionally accept everything from another person just because you (want to) love them (unconditionally). There is something to the negotiation of personal limits with the desire to accept and support a partner. My general point was just that one type of love involves appreciating something through someone else's eyes, like when you acquire a taste for teletubbies because it makes you happy to see how your toddler responds to it.

One of the good things about poly is that we can indulge in the fetishes and desires of our partners... or not! AND know and appreciate that someone else can give the ones we love something we cannot. This doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't challenge our own belief systems, push our own boundaries and limits, make an effort to see if we can try it out some new "weird" practices, live with our partners' proclivities which do not mesh with our own, or surrender to it as an adventure or game, as my previous answer suggested. With love and patience, almost anything is possible. But to imply that love could be lost if the OP doesn't get onboard, is simply ridiculous and mean-spirited -- especially when said to someone who is struggling and admittedly scared of how this development might affect the relationship.

Did I make it sound like love could be lost? Sorry, I agree that love is always a continuing possibility, however transformative. What I really meant was that she may not really love him if she just experiences him as an object of masculinity instead of a subject of his expressions, gendered and otherwise. I'm not saying that it's not possible to feel love for a person you objectify as part of your enjoyment of them, but if someone changes something about their appearance and you lose interest in them, is it not a sign that your connection with them isn't very deep? If I'm wrong about this, excuse me for any traumatizing implications. Mine is just an opinion like any other, so there's really no reason for the OP to freak out over something that might be completely inapplicable to her situation. She is the person that knows her situation - I'm just reading/interpreting something I read on a computer screen and giving my 2 cents at 100% discount for 0 cents.

[Tonberry]

Is it important to him that he do everything with you?
If others enjoy that part of him, he has a release. A lot of BDSM people with vanilla partners get their fix from other partners, so that kind of thing can work.

If you've given it a fair try and it didn't do anything for you, tell him that. Don't force yourself. If you haven't given it a fair try (not necessarily in bed. Don't do anything you're completely reluctant to do) then give it a try.

Ultimately, he shouldn't expect you to be everything. Having others who like him in woman's clothings doesn't mean you have to as well. Quite the opposite, he means he already gets it from somewhere. That's an advantage of poly.
His relationship with you surely brings him something. He needs to realise each relationship brings different things to the table, and enjoy them as they are. I understand he's thrilled that he found someone who accepted his crossdressing (it's apparently rare) but that doesn't make his girlfriend suddenly "better" and that doesn't mean you have to compete with it. There are things that make you unique and special, too.