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  #51  
Old 06-13-2011, 08:23 PM
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Ok, so I had a date coming up that I mentioned last time, let's start with that.

Met with M, a local poly girl. She's seeing several other people, which I'm of course OK with. Had sushi, beers, and many good laughs. We get along great. A brief makeout session afterwards, but she had to work in the AM, so we called it quits after that. She's beautiful, and has some amazing, er, assets, but doesn't give me flutters though. I enjoyed kissing her and would do it again. She and I have texted a bit since, and she's pretty busy, but keeps saying she wants to get back together for another night out, so I'll keep my ear to the ground on the M front. It's casual.

Had another date, this time with G and myself and K, another local girl who is bi-curious, but never really BEEN with a woman. That date was fun, but she was about 30-40 pounds heavier than her OKC profile pictures and info let on. That was a bit of a letdown, but we still had fun. If I had been solo on the date with her, I'm certain it would have ended with a hug and maybe a small smooch. ...but with G in the picture, the sexual energy was contagious - a dangerous thing. The three of us wound up making out on a blanket at the beach in the starlight, topless. It was definitely fun, and I'm happy it happened. G had actually been considering changing her OKC status to "straight", but is now reminded that she likes girls too. I'm reminded of how much fun it is to go out with her and another woman. Definitely the most fun I've had on a date in awhile, and it was because of G. They were more into each other than I was into K, or than K was into me, but that was OK.

Has ANOTHER date with a lady I met on OKC, let's call her T, and had incredible conversations with. We texted a ridiculous amount as well, and I was psyched to meet her. We seem to have a really awesome intellectual connection, but sadly, we seem to be missing that physical spark. At least, I'm missing it with her. She seems to be into me, but... I dunno. I'm just not feeling the sexy vibe myself. I think she's going to be a new friend for certain, but I'm not sure how to transition from "dating" to "friends" successfully. Advice is more than welcome on that front.

Finally, we went to this big crazy party last Friday - G got an invite on OKC from a local poly guy, who said she should come and bring me too. It was a blast! Circus acts, hot nurses in sexy outfits wandering the party and delivering "the cure" (booze) via oral syringe. I danced with a few very sexy ladies, G made out with one random guy who REALLY wanted to "take a walk". She also met someone who she had seen on OKC, but hadn't messaged back - they've got a date this week now. G seemed to not be feeling the "sexy" vibe, and was intimidated by a lot of the other women that night. This made me feel like I had to be restrained, even though G repeatedly stated she just wanted me to have fun. I also felt some protective urges, not because I wasn't ok sharing her, but because it was an unknown situation, with unknown people, in a part of town we do not frequent, and is also pretty heavily urban. I guess I couldn't completely let my guard down because of this, and that probably limited my ability to really meet and connect with other people. When she started making out with the guy, I was in the other room for a few minutes. I came to find her, and couldn't track her down. I looked around for a bit, even checked the restroom, getting kinda worried for reasons previously stated, and finally found them making out in a (very) dark room adjacent to the party. There were other people there, and it was a very big room, so I wasn't worried at all at that point - I was perfectly ok once I knew she was alright and where she was. I was a little peeved that she disappeared without giving me a heads-up though, and we talked that through just fine. Obviously she's a grown woman and I have to trust her to make good decisions and be able to take care of herself, but at the same time, it's my responsibility to do what I can to protect those I love without overreaching, and I don't think I'm out of line for wanting to keep track of those who I love when at a party full of unknowns. If it had been a sister, or just a female friend, I'd have felt a similar way.

I feel like I have more luck with ladies in person than online. There aren't usually a dozen or two men talking to a good looking woman at once in person, whereas online, it pretty much seems to be that way. I'm feeling a little disenfranchised with OKC at the moment, as the last three women I've met off there haven't really done the trick, and most of the women I try to contact ignore me or message me back with something like, "OMG, you're MARRIED! I can't do that!". *sigh* This brings me back to the conundrum of how to tell a woman in person that you're married without having her walk away.
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  #52  
Old 06-21-2011, 05:19 AM
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So I haven't had a date in a little while, not since last I posted, but G has been out with the local Poly guy, twice now. I was all stoked about this for her too, until she dropped a bit of a bomb - he has an STD that we don't have. It's incurable, and permanent. Total bummer. It's just Herpes, not HIV, so nothing incredibly panic-worthy, but it's not something we want. Thing is, he disclosed this after they had made out a good deal. No sex, thankfully, but still, both HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be spread by kissing (though 2 is very unlikely, from what I've read). The thing is, even though we talked about this, and both agreed that it was a bummer, but not something we should push our luck with, she saw him again, and even made out with him again, effectively doubling her risk of exposure. I said I didn't mind if they hang out, but I asked her to use her best judgement, and making out with him again after knowing, that doesn't seem like particularly good judgement. Things got even farther this time than last, though no oral, and no sex, so pretty much the same level of exposure. She finally told him today that she can't kiss him anymore, but is still tentatively planning meeting again later this week. This is of course throwing up red flags for me, but I really don't mind her seeing him, except for the making out and possible STD contraction going on. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting here, or whether I should feel uneasy about her seeing him as "just friends". Will she be able to contain herself? What if there's alcohol involved? Where will it end up? The worst part about it all is that I'm doubting her at all - I shouldn't be, I should be fully trusting her, but her judgement seems to continually let me down.

L (my ex) is driving me crazy. She's called a few times, sent a few emails, and to be fair, we never intended a complete break, just becoming friends instead. I've been fairly out of touch, mainly because I'm still hurting on some level about the whole thing. She got really upset with me because I came to LA to visit a friend and go to a meeting, and hadn't planned on visiting her. I caught a ride up with my buddy, and didn't have my car, otherwise I would have, and I told her this, but she kept wanting me to find ways to make it happen, and ultimately kinda flew off the handle, said some hurtful things, and hung up on me, even after I offered to meet her for lunch the next day. She called me in the morning, but it was too late to make it out and back before my meeting, which just made things worse. Same BS drama, saying hurtful things, that she doesn't want to talk to me again, etc. Then she texts me 10 minutes later, something about how she needed me and I wasn't there for her. I call back. Finally I decipher the enigma of L and her incommunicative self that she's got something going on and needed me for support, but didn't want to talk about it on the phone. I tried, but she wouldn't open up until I came out there. I told her I'd try and get out of my meeting a little early and then cruise out so we could talk. On my way over, she says that it's not going to work because she's got an art class that starts about when I'd be getting there so nevermind. I tell her I'll try and come back up to see her sometime soon - next week or the week after. Radio silence since.

G freaked out about this, with a typical, "ZOMG, she's preggers!", to which I informed her that there was simply no way in hell, as I hadn't been with her in something like two and a half months, and the last time I saw her she was menstruating. I still have no idea wtf is going on. Hopefully I'll have some work soon or an interview, and I can meet up with L and sort everything out.
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  #53  
Old 06-21-2011, 11:03 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I wouldnt rule someone out as a potential sex partner just because they have herpes. My understanding is, 50% of the population has been exposed and carries antibodies to it already, even if they have never had an outbreak. I'd just not make out or have sex if someone had a current outbreak, of course.

Good luck with the mysterious problem your ex is having... wish she would just tell you on the phone. If her art class was more important than meeting you, it can't be that big of a deal! Sorry she's being irritating. If she needs to see you, let her make the drive, and work with your schedule. It's not all on you.
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I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
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  #54  
Old 07-01-2011, 10:51 AM
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Mags, I understand that much of the population has it and doesn't even know... but it's still incurable, and seems like its the sort of thing that could greatly impair my (already limited due to being married) ability to find potential other partners. That's just me from my own selfish reasoning. Do most poly folk just have Herpes anyways? Should we bite the bullet and go for it because it'll actually HELP us find other partners? Seems counter-intuitive. Furthermore, Herpes can be contracted even if the infected individual is not experiencing an outbreak.

I finally met with L today, and found out what her mysterious issue was, and its not something I wanted to hear. She's pregnant, and the greatest likelihood is that it's mine. G is crushed. I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. G things this is "another sign that we shouldn't be poly". I think its a shit hand to be dealt, and am trying to be cerebral and scientific in my approach to prevent further emotional damage, mainly to myself. Her anger with me is difficult, because I never wanted this and still do not. L was on the pill, and has had other medical issues that have previously prevented her from conceiving, so I wasn't worried about pregnancy when we went beyond protected sex (neither was L).

Somehow, pregnancy has made what I've done with L suddenly wrong. I don't see it that way, I see it as an accident that needs to be dealt with appropriately. I don't want more children, and certainly not from anyone other than G, but this isn't my choice, even though it's my responsibility (WTF is up with that?). L initially brought up adoption, even though the doctors suggestion abortion because she has uterine cysts. I said that the Doctors have a valid point - as shitty as it feels to abort a child, how much worse does it feel to suffer a late-term miscarriage, or a disabled child? She saw the reason in this and said she intended to abort the pregnancy - both for these reasons and because she doesn't want her current relationship to suffer, but I know her well enough to know that she doesn't favor abortion in the general sense, and must be having serious internal emotional conflict about this.

My marriage and entire life stand on the edge of a knife. I don't know what I'll do if I lose G - she's the most important person in my life by far after our boy. If it was her that was pregnant I'd be ecstatic. Worried about logistics, but ecstatic.

I don't like the sort of questions I have to answer now about what sort of man I am. The "what-ifs" loom on my horizon like Niagra Falls downriver, and I don't have a paddle, or hell, even a boat. If L carries the child to term and doesn't want to give it up to adoption, then what? G seems to think that I'll want to raise the child, as it is my blood. I now have questions about desire and responsibility. Does the fact that I don't want this child make me a coward? Was L being dishonest about being on the pill and unable to bear children? If not, is it wrong to eliminate a "miracle child" because it is inconvenient? Is it fleeing my responsibilities as a man to want to abort it or give it up for adoption to a loving family? Am I a horrible person because I worry I could never love it like I would the child I already have with my wife? Is it selfish to hope things don't change because of this? In truth, I don't like the implications of any of this, but I REALLY don't want to lose my wife, who is well and truly the love of my life.

Booze won't make it go away. It does ease the heart palpitations though.
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Old 07-01-2011, 12:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Gosh, SS, that is really unfortunate. So, she lied about being on the Pill, or forgot to take her pills for a few days? I didn't know you 2 were fluid bonded.

You say it's "likely" the child is yours. Do you mean she was also fucking some other guy(s) bareback while she was also fucking you?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #56  
Old 07-01-2011, 01:13 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
Do most poly folk just have Herpes anyways? Should we bite the bullet and go for it because it'll actually HELP us find other partners? Seems counter-intuitive. Furthermore, Herpes can be contracted even if the infected individual is not experiencing an outbreak.
Yup, and also is the one STD on a short list of infections that can be transferred during FtF sexual contact , which I only recently learned to my great dismay.

Ah, spilled milk, as we say. Are you BTW absolutely sure you and G are not infected already? I'd like to find out but antibody testing is not available round here . And preventing herpes infections from spreading in the poly community seems really hard anyway, because if I understood correctly, even condoms/other barriers don't provide 100% protection against it.
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  #57  
Old 07-01-2011, 05:55 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Mags - I don't think she was, but I really don't know. She says no, but again, what the hell do I even actually know? Was she even on the pill? Do I believe anything she says anymore? How do I take the high road and be supportive from an emotional standpoint of what she has to do about this while having all these feelings?

BlackUnicorn - what's FtF sexual contact...? We don't have access to antibody testing either, but neither of us has ever been with anyone who has it (that we know of), and neither of us has ever had an outbreak. At least it won't kill ya...
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:31 PM
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Listen, I know this might sound cold, but women have been aborting pregnancies since ancient times. We have the ability to bring life into this world, and with that also comes the ability to take that life away. Sometimes it is just what needs to be done. Stop thinking of it as a child - not a child yet. You don't have to keep reinforcing how bad you must think she feels about it. Sure, it can be traumatizing, but sometimes it simply is not. I always think people indulge too much into how "horrible" someone must feel when this becomes necessary. I have had two abortions and never felt any remorse about them. The option comes with the territory of being a sexually active woman. L says that abortion is what she is choosing to do, obviously she doesn't want a baby since she talked about adoption, too. There is no need to get bent out of shape about that. The procedure is quick and simple. It is much safer for her, it would seem, than carrying the baby.

However, lesson learned! Now you know that even when a paramour has birth control, you take a huge risk not using a condom. For pregnancy AND disease. It sucks that something like this happens in order to wake you up about it, but stop fretting and look at what needs to be done. Personally, I don't think it would be fair for G. to leave you over this -- it's a risk in poly, and non-monogamy. Just try to keep emotions out of it and deal with the reality: You stupidly didn't use protection. L got preggers, and will abort the pregnancy. I say, help arrange and pay for that right away! Be there for her as much as you can, and then resolve to use protection from now on. Get tests for all the possible diseases, and move on.
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  #59  
Old 07-01-2011, 06:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Hugs!

It could happen to almost anyone even if all percautions were taken/used accurately and mistakes happen. I didn't realize that antibiotics would be an issue after I finished taking them . We took extra precautions while I was on them and until my first cycle afterwards, but didn't realize it would still be an issue over a month later.

I don't have any advice beyond, loose the booze, keep talking with your wife and get some legal advice.
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:49 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Same here, SNeacail. I got pregnant on the pill a month after being on antibiotics and an antihistamine I'd never taken before. Accidents happen, life goes on.
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