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Old 07-01-2011, 08:44 AM
swankychicky's Avatar
swankychicky swankychicky is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southern California
Posts: 3
Question Poly and getting engaged-Secondary issues, questions

Hi All! My question is this: I have been in my first polyamorous relationship, as the secondary, for about 1 years. I am madly in love, and when we met, one of the first things he said was "I am in love with my girlfriend, but we date other people"...so I knew what I was getting when I started dating him, and it worked perfectly...until recently, for me.

At the time his primary girlfriend was dating a secondary as well, but the secondary broke up with her about 8 months ago. When I first met "B" he made it sound like marriage wasn't even something they were thinking about. After his other girlfriend's secondary relationship ended, she decided she wanted to start talking to B about getting married. I only realized it bothered me when the talk became serious. I know you are all used to questions about jealousy in poly relationships, but this just feels so different from any jealousy I felt before. Please don't think that I wish it were me getting married to B, I don't. I am not a marriage kind of girl. But I have never felt like a "secondary" before, and now I do. He proposed to her a couple of weeks ago, and I am finding it hard to be happy for them. I can't seem to move past thinking about it, and he knows how I feel. We have a fantastic time together about once a week, and the thought of ending it makes me very sad. The truth is, it makes him less attractive to me in some ways, and I can't figure out why. He's less alluring. And it doesn't help that she is being way nicer to me, it feels...patronizing. Like now she is secure and I am no longer a threat. (Not that I ever was, I never wanted to be! But that's how it feels.) And it sucks, because they know I am having a hard time with it, they are starting to hide things from me. We all share a calendar for planning time, and they put "4pm - busy"...which I know is the day they are having their engagement party. What the hell is wrong with me, and why can't I have compersion for them? I think I might have to end it because I feel like I am losing my self respect.

I can't find any articles about marriage and poly and the secondary point of view, and I was wondering if you all have any advice on how to deal or how to express to B how this feels and that it's all normal for me to feel like this. How can I turn off the bitter part in my head when I hear them be all cutesy and call each other fiance? I guess I have a hard time wondering why poly people get married, it seems counterintuitive. Help, I'm floundering!
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engagement, jealousy, marriage, poly, secondary

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