Scared to be honest

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You are like the girl in high school who saw only the good things in the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks who was stealing and setting things on fire. Everyone else could see he was trouble and not good for you, but that naive girl who just wanted affection and was flattered that he wanted her, kept focusing on how sensitive he was underneath it all, and how no one ever really saw his "nice side."

Over and over again, this guy has dismissed and disrespected your wishes. When will you stand up for what you want/need and realize that if you do so and it closes the door on this relationship, you make room for something better and much more respectful to come into your life?

The fact that you know you don't want it, and that you are afraid he will push you into it, is a huge red flag. Trust your intuition - he will probably push you. He is like a baby who only wants what he wants. I still say you should cancel the trip in order to send the message that you are an individual with your own needs, wants, and boundaries that must be respected. Then see what kind of tantrum he throws.

Is this the same one that says she has "potential" and that he wants to "mold her into what he wants" and all that craptastic nonsense? I have enough trouble keeping different people's stories separated in the original thread, and now there are more threads...

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I am like you in the sense that I can't watch someone I am involved with have sex with someone else. Group sex? It's all good. Been in threesome before with two other people who were married to each other. But I wig out and can't go through with it when I'm emotionally involved with one or both others. Maybe someday I'll feel different, but this is not something that I need to change for my partner(s). And neither should you. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel about it and you should tell your boyfriend (emphasis on the "boy" part of that term) to quit pushing it or quit you. There ARE other people out there for you to be involved with.

I'm glad to know that others feel this way. I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me (like... why can't I GET this?).

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Tinyblu,

There's one important thing I think your BF may need to be aware of that he's missing - and I'd bring it up with him if you haven't already.

Pushing someone (even ourselves) into something before they are ready runs the risk of turning them against it when it might have gone the other way had they had the necessary time to ease into it at their own pace.

I think he's missing this with you.

You seem like you might very well find parts of group sex erotic but your basic personality is the type that you don't just jump at things quickly. He's thinking with his other head

GS

EXACTLY!!!! I think I would be open to a group setting under the right circumstances, but just throwing me in freaks me out. I like to start at the shallow end of the pool first and progress to deeper waters.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

Is this the same one that says she has "potential" and that he wants to "mold her into what he wants" and all that craptastic nonsense? I have enough trouble keeping different people's stories separated in the original thread, and now there are more threads...

Yup, this is our lump of clay in the flesh.

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by ViableAlternative

You might add, "If you DON'T respect this boundary, I will be less likely to consider group sex with you, and if pushed, may end our relationship entirely."

Or whatever else you might want/need to say.

You've mentioned that this guy has been nicer and more giving to you than any previous partners you've had, but I really feel like throwing the old 'other fish in the sea' cliche at you.... You really *deserve* to have what you need from a partner. Respect isn't so much to ask, and should be a cornerstone in any relationship. Don't let this guy - or anyone else - use you or fail to respect you.

I am going to use this advice (both on how to discuss this and the respect part).

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You were informed of this in your other thread, but I think it bears repeating since you say you think it is a "recurring theme" in polyamory : group sex is not automatically expected nor a requirement to be polyamorous. Repeat that over and over to yourself until it sinks in, because you don't seem to believe any of us that have said that to you. Polyamory simply means the ability to love more than one person. That doesn't mean all people involved are expected to be fucking in the same room together, and it doesn't even have to mean sex at all!

You are like the girl in high school who saw only the good things in the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks who was stealing and setting things on fire. Everyone else could see he was trouble and not good for you, but that naive girl who just wanted affection and was flattered that he wanted her, kept focusing on how sensitive he was underneath it all, and how no one ever really saw his "nice side."

Over and over again, this guy has dismissed and disrespected your wishes. When will you stand up for what you want/need and realize that if you do so and it closes the door on this relationship, you make room for something better and much more respectful to come into your life?

The fact that you know you don't want it, and that you are afraid he will push you into it, is a huge red flag. Trust your intuition - he will probably push you. He is like a baby who only wants what he wants. I still say you should cancel the trip in order to send the message that you are an individual with your own needs, wants, and boundaries that must be respected. Then see what kind of tantrum he throws.

I know! I know!!! You are absolutely right. I am really leaning towards just NOT going and letting the chips fall where they may (even if that means he decides that not being into group sex is a dealbreaker).

I'm interested to see how he responds to me being fully honest about how I feel about the upcoming trip and me being more ASSERTIVE in what will and won't work for me. His response will determine if I back out or not.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

I am really leaning towards just NOT going and letting the chips fall where they may . . . His response will determine if I back out or not.

You mean you will back out of the trip... or the relationship... based on his response? His response to what? Not clear. Telling him you won't go? Would you just be saying it to see what kind of reaction you get, or would you mean it? And not go? Truly being assertive means you back up what you say and be willing to follow through, you don't just dangle some words in front of him as a test.

I only ask because you may not realize this, but you still come across as wishy-washy and undecided.

[Tinyblu]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You mean you will back out of the trip... or the relationship... based on his response? His response to what? Not clear. Telling him you won't go? Would you just be saying it to see what kind of reaction you get, or would you mean it? And not go? Truly being assertive means you back up what you say and be willing to follow through, you don't just dangle some words in front of him as a test.

I only ask because you may not realize this, but you still come across as wishy-washy and undecided.

Oh... I realize it. I get on my own nerves with the back and forth (smile). This is all SOOOO new to me, and I don't know whether I'm coming or going most of the time...

I meant back out of the trip based on his response to me really expressing my feelings...

I would never "test" anyone. I'm not into games. I know some of my threads may seem juvenille, but in this situation, I am VERY much like a child just learning. I have a lot to learn, and I come here because quite frankly, I have no one else

So I take the good advice and the tough love because I don't want to make silly mistakes. Maybe being with this guy may turn out to be one, but I am at least learning about myself and the detriment of not speaking up.

So... we'll see (going to crawl under a rock now!!! You guys have beat me up today

May need to wait a while to post again!! LOL!!!

[ViableAlternative]

Originally Posted by Tinyblu

So... we'll see (going to crawl under a rock now!!! You guys have beat me up today

May need to wait a while to post again!! LOL!!!

If it means anything, I still think you sound like a very intelligent, well-spoken (err, written) individual.

And I think you'll benefit tremendously from all of the challenges you're having the opportunity to face.

[nycindie]

So, Tinyblu, how is everything? Did you take the trip? Did you stand up for yourself? I hope you are doing well and did not do anything to compromise your values. Thinking of you!!!