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Old 06-26-2011, 06:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

I have to say, comically, everytime I read this post, I think someone with a terminal disease asked you out haha,..,.

"a poly touched me what do i do"

ok beyond the comedy of the phrasing. I would ask yourself some questions. I assume you are mono, or newly exploring poly

1 - can you be in a relationship with this guy and realize you won't get time with him at times you may want. Will his lack of availability impact you long term or will you learn to deal with it
2 - I notice comments about not looking at the pics and stop torturing yourself. He should tell you who he is involved with.. BUT.. the reality is you have to learn how to deal with things like this yourself. You have to figure out how not to worry about everything going on around him. There are two parts to that, he needs to be more transparent and you need to learn to deal with all of the unknowns poly brings.
3 - He will always be available.. period.. in monogamy you have the ability to be with someone who becomes commited and devoted.. poly will never allow for that. How do you feel about that?

One other note, you might want to come up with an honest way to look at communication. Times, best times. Rules. Have him let you know when you shouldn't text or message. Then you won't be left wondering.. That will help a lot...

Also, poly allows for freedom, it doesn't mean we commit to everyone we see. In any relationship there is a chance of all the things you are worried about.. becoming bored, disinterested, finding a new infatuation.. This isn't a necessarily a poly thing..

A lot of this, if you are non-monogamous, might be remedied by finding your own primary. If he can only be your secondary, if you are waiting to be a primary, you won't be fair to yourself.

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Old 06-26-2011, 07:43 PM
tenderandreserved tenderandreserved is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
Default A few conclusions

Thanks everyone, I did need the reassurance.

The "lessons" tag did help. I will follow up on others, too. (Had already read the Second's bill of rights, and many other forum posts!) Thanks, Clairgoad, RedPepper, TruckerPete, Ariakas, Tonberry, and Nycindie!

I am very independent, truly. My life is so fun! I absolutely did not give any signs of jealousy or cling or anything, and don't require a partner for emotional stability or happiness - I was merely very fun company, and a great listener. It turns out the problem was him. I have concluded that his NRE wore off already. (I just read that term today.) That's hard for me to admit.

We had a pretty fair talk this weekend, and it had the effect of 1) making me appreciate the honesty involved in polygamous relationships; I've never met a man who can talk about his feelings like that. Staggering. And 2) making me realize my intuition was right. THAT is why my insecurities were coming out. He says "I think you like me more than I like you" and he doesn't want me to get attached. So I guess this has nothing to do with polyamory, and again to do with me choosing the wrong partners. He doesn't want it to become any sort of relationship.

And yet still wants to hang out, and sleep together? My next intuition is that I should avoid the sex part, at least. I just hope that the advice about meeting new people is true, and that we can still have some adventures.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Trust your intuition! The word literally means "inner teacher" or "inner guide" and if you are in tune with it, that is the best counsel you can seek.

If it does not sit well with you to be his fuck buddy with no chance of developing into a more meaningful relationship, then do not do it. I get the sense that you might consider it, because maybe in the back of your mind you think that doing so might "turn him around" and make him want more with you -- but that's a gamble that will most likely go kablooey in your face.

It's good that you had a talk and got more clarity about his position and feelings.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2011 at 08:34 PM.
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Old 06-30-2011, 04:21 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 50

I haven't been poly for very long, but, there are a few things that help me and might help you.

Figure out what you want, and ask for it. You may not get it, but, knowing what you want and being able to communicate it is important. Poly relationships aren't set-and-forget or one size fits most. Boundaries, rules and deal breakers vary by person.

Next, he's worried that you might be too into him....moreso than he is into you? If you had another relationship going as well, and he was aware, he might relax. I think one of the reasons my situation is as smooth as it is, is because the wife of my lover knew that I was seeing someone in addition to him. I was already seeing someone. Therefore the fear that I might try to corral her husband for myself never came up.

Communication helps. We work out schedules and who sleeps where. The rules are out in the open and I deal well with his wife. I know when he's on a date and don't bother him with texts then. However, I also know that if I text him, his phone doesn't ring. I could send a text if I had to and he'd see it when he could check without bothering the person that he's out with.

You might or might not be poly, but, you don't have to date just one guy exclusively. I'd be honest to any potential partners, and use protection for sex, but not being exclusive might be good. I think there are a couple of relationships in my past that I could have done better if I had played the field a bit and not done the serial monogamy game.
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insecurities, new to polyamory

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