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  #11  
Old 06-29-2011, 08:05 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by ViableAlternative View Post
I do think you're right to be upset/worried about the lying. Try to get to the bottom of that with her - why she did what she did, and hid what she hid.... If you can help her figure out WHY she was deceitful, maybe you guys can better understand what needs to change. )
Yes, this is the most important thing.

I can't tell if it was OK for her to have sex with him or not. If so, I would wonder why she would do something wrong like lie, instead of keeping herself stuck in a bad place. If not, I'd be pulling back and working on establishing trust. Do both of you feel like you are communicating well? Have you been reading any books about polyamory? If not you might want to pick up "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino since it has handy checklists and discussion points. If you have any other books or relationship building stuff - you might want to start from scratch and figure out your wants and needs from a clean slate.
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  #12  
Old 06-30-2011, 02:07 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
My wife and I are new to polyamory. She recently had sex twice with her OSO (which she lied about) and feels like a whore.

She is having a great deal of difficulty getting over these feelings. How do I help her?
Well, does she feel whorish simply because she had sex with the OSO or because she lied to you about it? Those are two quite different issues.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #13  
Old 06-30-2011, 04:18 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Maybe she just really enjoyed it and it would embarrass her to say that so she's self-criticizing instead with the hope that doing so will make her seem less selfishly indulgent (which she may feel like she is regardless of whether that is relevant or not). Some people feel uncomfortable indulging in things they have learned to sacrifice.
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