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  #11  
Old 10-14-2009, 02:37 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I personally am not offended my friend. You can obviously have your opinion of what poly is and what isn't, but to come on here and basically tell us that our hard earned experience is shit is really not making me feel like I want to continue any conversation with you.
I have been in every configuration of relationship dynamic and now find myself in something that is filled with love and commitment. It is a poly relationship. I am feeling hurt that you would come on here and lesson what I have worked so hard to achieve by telling me through your "cherry picked" version, that your fiances one night stand is poly.

Your thread doesn't seem to have a question. It seems to be a story of what you think is poly. I feel as if I addressed what you have said and agreed with you that it may be a break of trust, an opportunity or both. What else do you want? There seems to be nothing more to say on the topic as I am not willing to argue on what poly is anymore.
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  #12  
Old 10-14-2009, 02:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esedkudiln View Post
Such a warm welcome, and such empathy. I seem to have intruded into a community that is less open than I had hoped, or than it claims to be. Or maybe it's just certain individuals.

I'm happy to play by the rules of this community, but does that include adopting one single interpretation of the scriptures - unquestioningly, without dissent or doubt? Surely not.

I seem to have upset you. Could you explain why?
Is this the first message board you ever joined?

This is still the real world, and just because we are writing on the same forum doesn't mean we all agree all the time, and just because the topic is polyamory does not mean we're all sitting in a circle in a big group hug singing kum-bah-yah. We are all different people here.

However, there are certain definitions that are accepted by "the community". You don't get to come on and say "Wet means dry now because I'm here and I say so" and expect people to incorporate that into the existing milieu.
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  #13  
Old 10-14-2009, 02:51 PM
esedkudiln esedkudiln is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
but to come on here and basically tell us that our hard earned experience is shit is really not making me feel like I want to continue any conversation with you.
I'm taken aback by this. Where did I give you that impression?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have been in every configuration of relationship dynamic and now find myself in something that is filled with love and commitment. It is a poly relationship. I am feeling hurt that you would come on here and lesson what I have worked so hard to achieve by telling me through your "cherry picked" version, that your fiances one night stand is poly.
You really are upset, and I'm sorry about that. But I think you're upset for the wrong reason. I am not here to teach anybody anything, and I'm surprised that's how you read my posts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Your thread doesn't seem to have a question. It seems to be a story of what you think is poly.
No, that's not the question at all. The questions are these:

Quote:
Originally Posted by esedkudiln View Post
So here's the dilemma. My fiancee did something that wasn't against any rules we had set together. It was against her own "rule" or intention to remain monogamous with me. I'm not upset, but should I be? Would she have expected or wanted me to be upset? Is her (alcohol-induced) fling a bad omen for our relationship? How can I turn the negative sentiment into something positive?

...

Any ideas? Should I be happy? Should I be worried?
Can I, respectfully, suggest that you chill for a minute? Whatever upset you, I can assure you it wasn't intentional.

Perhaps I should have ignored the first response I received to my post, which, to me, seemed to question whether I had any "right" to be here, because my fiancee and I aren't "truly" poly. I didn't bring up this issue, but if it's widely felt in this community that the kind of situations I find myself in shouldn't be discussed here, then a simple nudge from the moderators should suffice. Let's not turn this into a mudslinging competition.
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  #14  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:00 PM
esedkudiln esedkudiln is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Is this the first message board you ever joined?

This is still the real world, and just because we are writing on the same forum doesn't mean we all agree all the time, and just because the topic is polyamory does not mean we're all sitting in a circle in a big group hug singing kum-bah-yah. We are all different people here.

However, there are certain definitions that are accepted by "the community". You don't get to come on and say "Wet means dry now because I'm here and I say so" and expect people to incorporate that into the existing milieu.
No, this is not the first message board I ever joined, and I don't think this is a lovey-dovey-let's-all-hug kind of community either. Nor do I claim that wet is dry, or that the wikipedia definitions I quoted are the only true ones, if at all. But I'm assuming that wikipedia page hasn't been written by people who are making things up, and that people who disagree can also have their say.

Just to be clear, I don't have a fixed definition of polyamory that I'm pushing here. I don't really care much about labels, but if others do, then that's fine too. For me the wikipedia description works, but that's not to say it's perfect and I could never agree with another interpretation.

But then again, my questions weren't about what is or isn't poly. The only reason I quoted the wikipedia definition was what I perceived to be a fairly hostile first response to my original post, which marked a territory to which I wouldn't belong.

Peace?
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  #15  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:06 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
However, there are certain definitions that are accepted by "the community". You don't get to come on and say "Wet means dry now because I'm here and I say so" and expect people to incorporate that into the existing milieu.
Actually, I'm not so sure there are certain "community" accepted definitions. I think there are certain types and styles of relationships that are more common here, and those styles seem to have the majority voice, but that's not the same as an agreed community definition.

(I'm probably going to get it for what I'm about to say)

Personally, I don't feel I have the right to tell the OP whether or not his relationship is poly. I've heard it quoted many times on these message boards "There's no one right way to do poly". I tend to agree with that. If the OP has a relationship that involves being open to relationships with other people, even if they're just sexual connections, there's no reason he can't call that poly.

Honestly, I feel sometimes people can be way too precious about the definition of poly. If someone doesn't disclose ahead of time, that's NOT poly. If someone cheats on their partner, that's NOT poly. If someone isn't openly communicating, that's NOT poly.

All of these things could very well be poly. It may not be HEALTHY, but it can still be poly. Poly people cheat. Poly people sometimes don't communicate well. Poly people screw up. Being poly isn't about subscribing to a set of prerequisites or rules or standards. It's about a certain structure of relationships. There are lots of ideals that are held up as poly ideals- open communication, loving connections, radical honesty etc. These are not ideals exclusive to poly relationships. These are ideals to healthy relationships. Not all healthy relationships are poly and not all poly relationships are healthy.

I also realize for some poly is also an identity that can be claimed, not just a structure of relationships. That's probably a discussion for another thread. But honestly, why would it hurt if one person calls their relationship poly with one structure and someone else calls their relationship poly with another. I appreciate that for some, coming into the relationships and success they have are the result of many dues paid and a hell of a lot of hard work. But that's no reason to belittle another person's use of the word in a different context or to feel belittled by that persons use of it in a different context.

Poly is just a word, not a religion.
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  #16  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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What I'm trying to say by "community accepted definitions" is that we need to agree to use certain words to mean certain things in order to have a coherent conversation.

It is not about "what being poly means to me". It's about "do we have a common vocabulary or not."

I would have to say "not".
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  #17  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:17 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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So why do people feel it's their place to tell the OP whether he's poly or not? I don't see why we can't be a bit more open about what those definitions are. But people seem to be taking offense to his definition and honestly, I can't blame him for how he reacted.
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  #18  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:17 PM
esedkudiln esedkudiln is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I would have to say "not".
That means we agree.

Peace?
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  #19  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:30 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esedkudiln View Post
That means we agree.

Peace?
No, it doesn't mean we agree. It means I think you should grow up and not react as though you're threatened by terminology.
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  #20  
Old 10-14-2009, 03:38 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Unfortunately, the OP isn't the only one reacting as though they're threatened by terminology here, which is part of the problem.
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