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Old 06-29-2011, 02:37 PM
Stainedclear Stainedclear is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
Default What am I (other than confused)?

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis I guess you could say and was hoping you guys could help me out. I've been reading all through these forums and am more confused than ever about where exactly I stand on the spectrum and where to go from here.

I'm a bisexual female married to a wonderful man for four years now. He knew I was bi when we got together and was always very accepting of it.

In past relationships my usual trend was to have a boyfriend and a girl "on the side." While this somewhat fufilled my sexual needs, I've always felt like I wanted more of a relationship with my "girl on the side" than what she did. My perfect situation would be to have my long term husband and long term girlfriend as well. A "vee" I believe this is called.

I've always thought that this was the norm in the bisexual community, but in light of recent talks with my husband about me getting a girlfriend (we've been exclusive to each other since we got married) I've been doing some research that seemed to point to the fact that this is not the case as I once thought.

Upon learning this, I starting looking into polyamory and what it means and entails. Here's where I start to get really confused. The thing is, I have no desire to have more than one male and more than one female partner. I would want to be exclusive to them only. So let's say my husband says "I'm okay with you having a boyfriend." Even though I know in my mind that a relationship with consent isn't "cheating" per say, I would feel like I was. Same applies to a girlfriend. Having more than one of each gender just doesn't feel right to me (personally - I take no issue with what anyone else chooses or is right for their particular situation).

So the condumdrum lies in this - can you be mono with two people or is this considered poly? If I have a seperate husband and seperate girlfriend, but date no one outside of those two - what am I? Is it simply a spin off of bisexuality or a hybrid version of poly?

I do hate to try to attach labels to things, but in trying to find a girlfriend I've run into so many girls who seem to think this situation is odd. Some have even said, well, not so nice things about my moral values or what have you. I figured maybe if I could find exactly where I fit in I'd have better luck finding someone that could work into what I'm looking for. Maybe spending time looking for a 100% mono bi female is just me asking for disappointment if what I really need to be looking for is a poly female.

Then the question arises, if what I am IS a type of poly, well where does one go to find a female who wants to be the leg of a vee (sorry if my terminology is off)? I would have no issue with my girlfriend having a boyfriend or husband and would even consider (though this one may be more difficult given my one of each gender feelings) not being the only female that she's with so long as her other girlfriend is an actual girlfriend and not some girl she is sleeping with (any more than "boyfriend" means "some guy I'm sleeping with").

I'm lost and overwhelmed. I am in the process of explaining to my husband why having a girlfriend is important to me and for some reason having a mini identity crisis seems to be making the process with him harder as well. How can I explain to him that this is part of who I am and always have been if I don't know what I am?

Sorry for being long winded and thank you so much for any help you can provide!
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