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  #171  
Old 05-07-2011, 06:11 AM
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thanks for your comments. they are big help to me and us right now. I underestimated the difficulty of poly and when I realised it really can be difficult, this site helped me not to be a sour person (which I always knew is a no no in relationships)

@ray - yes the problem is nre and insecurity. the strength of insecurity most probably comes from the knowledge that we are inexperienced and vulnerable at this early stage. that random person is just an acquaintance not much of importance. it was just a critical moment and a last straw.

@redpepper - many people around us knows we are open for some time but we are also a hmm.. 'cuddly' couple most of the time. things seem much better now, I also feel she is not forcing herself to show extra attention but it once more comes from within her.

she will be in the city where he lives for the weekend (she just left for the airport) for some work-related lgbt activity and will stay with him for one night. this would be a nightmare unless I was utterly calmed by her warmth yesterday and your constructive words. thanks.

she is not certain what is it that goes on between them, she says she just feels strong emotions. after this weekend I am considering to offer her to have a short talk with all three people involved. I think it would be better if I establish a relation a bit deeper than mere acquaintance with him, and it may clear the bitter air.

do you think it is too soon? with the pace things are going I do not think so.
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  #172  
Old 05-07-2011, 08:18 AM
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oh an additional question: although I read many things about NRE's effect on poly here, I'd like to ask this question that keeps me a bit freaked out.

we had only small problems common to almost all relationships and a bit of that 'getting-too-used-to-together' feeling before this, but all in all we are much in love and having fun with each other often. I daresay we have a healthy, loving relationship.

in the light of this: within the context of poly relations, what is the risk of NRE severely damaging a healthy relationship?

as a last note: I really think it will be pretty incredible when this works.

Last edited by Pooka; 05-07-2011 at 09:07 AM.
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  #173  
Old 05-07-2011, 02:08 PM
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It's never too soon to have everyone talk together. As long as everyone is on board, go for it. It can be really good to meet your metamour to demystify them. Real people are much less threating (even with the NRE) than the fantasy, perfect person, that we have a tendency to build up in our minds.
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  #174  
Old 05-07-2011, 03:13 PM
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What seems to happen is that by meeting as soon as you can and getting to know them and their intentions there is a sense of release at some point. Compersion seems to take over from jealousy. The threat is often bigger before when the "idea" of the person and what is going on is not necessarily reality. Meeting the person and seeing how they are with each other, talking about how to make it all work can set the mind at ease and nre isn't such a big deal.
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  #175  
Old 05-07-2011, 03:26 PM
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thanks again, I think I'll proceed and talk to her about that when she returns tomorrow.

my, it is so weird to think that she is with him at this particular moment and will stay overnight. whatever =) I'll restrain myself from calling.

if all parties are fine with it we can meet two weeks later when he will come here for the anti-homophobia gathering we are organizing. he really is a nice guy by the way, it would be quite fine to be closer with him and them. my girlfriend then can begin talking about their things with me, which she cannot do right now. and she says she needs to be able to talk to me for she cannot talk to many other people about these.
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  #176  
Old 05-09-2011, 07:14 AM
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update: they broke up during my girlfriend's visit, and she is in much pain now. according to my girlfriend, he claimed that he felt my sadness and did not want to make me sad, that he has a jealous, monogamous side and could not understand how she can do this with me in her mind. I will be comforting my love during these days. for the moment I do not know what will happen further between them afterwards.
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  #177  
Old 05-25-2011, 08:22 AM
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so, after two weeks or something, things did not improve really but went crazy instead for some time. my girlfriend is heartbroken but still thinking about the guy very much, and although he seemed to tell his feelings are over and that he wants to be afriend he may be sending some misguiding signs. they are not together, he even behaves often cold towards her. they barely ever talk.

and the more important issue is about our own relationship. we really had some intense talks about her emotions and I discovered that I cannot stand, at this stage of my poly experience, to have her love someone as much as me. while going deeper into her emotional state during these talks, I finally heard her say she does not know which one of us she loves more, that she does not compare the two feelings. she only said that she loves me so much and does not ever want to break up with me but that she needed some space. she confessed she is thinking about him, maybe more often than me.

this statement plunged me into chaos. I am very heartbroken and although she behaves quite passionate towards me, I am in a depressive state of mind and try and act positive. I feel I can never get past that statement of hers, that she may not know her love towards me is stronger than any.

I really try my best, and I know what I do/feel is idiotic but I also know that I was not ready for such a situation, such a statement from her. we both try and behave understandingly to each other, and I feel her love.

I do not think I can stand to be anything than her primary as of my current state of consciousness, and I am very much hurt. I do not know what will happen, how much I can stand this; I feel trapped.
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  #178  
Old 05-25-2011, 08:31 AM
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Can love really be quantified and measured in terms of less and more? Maybe love simply... is.
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  #179  
Old 06-14-2011, 06:55 PM
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of course it most certainly is just is. yet brain and heart have a hard time functioning together in times of such emotional crysis. thanks for reminding though.

things are much better now, I love her with renewed energy and she is recovering and responding to my love again now. we are most likely out of the woods.

it was a close one though.

maybe we will go a bit slow on the poly part for some time now. then we will see what happens =)
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  #180  
Old 06-28-2011, 11:15 PM
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things did not go as I hoped though. while nothing is decided, she says she has to think about how we came to this position, what she really is feeling, how could she almost ventured what we have for someone else if her emotions are still true and what am I to her now. this seems like a classical opening move for break up. after three and a half years. I love her with my entire being. I will maintain my cool (after many of my ridiculous behaviours I managed to at last) and hope for the best, that what she feels right now is because of her depression and we will make it through. thanks for all your support friends, I will not be writing again. best wishes for all who love.
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