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  #11  
Old 06-27-2011, 11:27 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Meeting SO's is great, but you don't live in the same area, so I don't know what his big rush is.
Yes, get your own room elsewhere, or ask that he go to her place for sex while you're there, or to not see her while you are there for sex at his place.
Really, if he can't keep it in his pants for a short visit with his other partners when you don't see him that often...then again I don't know how often or long these visits are but really.. isn't he supposed to be busy having sex with you since your relationship is so new and you're going there to see him?
Anyway, I'd tell him you're uncomfortable staying there if he's going to be having sex with other people while you're there at this point in time. Knowing ahead of time what you'll be walking into is kinda important, as you probably figured out with that other situation.
She's from a different city as well, so he will be flying both of us in to see him.

We see each other about every two weeks for about three days at a time.
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  #12  
Old 06-27-2011, 11:34 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I'm also wondering why in your times together he feels the need to bring in his other SOs. You two are in a new relationship... there should be time to build that and get to know each other first, then you can meet people and hang out or whatever. While I think meeting the metamours is awesome, it doesn't have to happen right away.

I also agree that you don't ever have to feel the need to EVER be comfortable being around while he's having sex with someone else. I'm feeling that maybe that's a thing for him? Being with one person while the other watches, participates, is nearby? Nothing wrong with that, but since it is not your thing, he should be able to put it aside for the times you're together. If not, then you have to make a decision at that point whether this relationship is going to work for you.
You hit the nail on the head. I get the feeling that some other women have done it for him in the past only to later express their discomfort with it and things falling apart.

I don't want that to happen. I'd rather know now if that's a deal breaker. When I asked that question, he said "no", but here we are once again looking at a situation where he wants us all to be one, big, happy family.

Yes, compersion is my goal, but it's only been a couple of months!!!

I think this situation is really going to put the icing on the cake so to speak. I have said what I will and will not do, and he has SAID he's OK with it. I am curious to see if his tune changes when we all get around each other.

I am going to stick to my guns on this one. I'm definitely going to make sure I won't be around if he's going to have sex with other people (not ready for that) and this will let me know if he is truly hearing me and cares about how I feel or if he thinks he can persuade me to do something I don't want to do.

If he tries to push me (which I won't be surprised if he does) that's it. It will hurt like hell (because I really do like him), but that will be even further confirmation that THIS poly relationship may not be for me.

I am learning that feeling this way doesn't make me NON polyamorous...
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  #13  
Old 06-28-2011, 12:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I gotta ask... why are you even going? I think, since he's not listened to you so far, maybe cancelling your trip to see him will give him a clear message. He is so very dismissive of you. The whole situation seems degrading. Eccch!
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  #14  
Old 06-28-2011, 01:15 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I gotta ask... why are you even going? I think, since he's not listened to you so far, maybe cancelling your trip to see him will give him a clear message. He is so very dismissive of you. The whole situation seems degrading. Eccch!
Good question...
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  #15  
Old 06-28-2011, 01:45 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I have noticed with your posts that you tend to go from being totally happy with him, to very not, to defensive of his behaviours, etc. in a relatively short period of time.

I wonder if perhaps you are not communicating as clearly to him as you think, perhaps sticking to your guns, then conceding, then falling somewhere in between?

Just a thought, based on what I've seen on your threads.
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  #16  
Old 06-28-2011, 05:58 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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In any good relationship, you never have to grin and bear it. At least until you've expressed yourself, heard your partners desires, and decided it's worth it to give something you don't want to. Don't recommend that though if you're not getting something back....

Truth is - most of these things you're saying here, you should say to him first. Either he accepts you the way you are (fickle thoughts, random changes in what you are feeling, whatnot...human....) or not. No reason to stifle your feelings and beliefs in a first poly relationship. Better off just practicing being entirely yourself.
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  #17  
Old 06-28-2011, 06:44 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Truth is - most of these things you're saying here, you should say to him first. Either he accepts you the way you are (fickle thoughts, random changes in what you are feeling, whatnot...human....) or not. No reason to stifle your feelings and beliefs in a first poly relationship. Better off just practicing being entirely yourself.
I agree! I'm practicing this fully these days and it is not easy (mostly discomfort with being authentic especially if the authenticness is insecurity or fear or discomfort), but it is one of the most gratifying things I have ever done for myself.
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