Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 06-26-2011, 03:42 PM
Seasnail's Avatar
Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77
Default

Wow, I had no idea so many people are so anti-cuddling. It seems all for good reasons, as deliberately making yourself uncomfortable or frustrated seems somewhat backwards to me. It seems that I live on the edge....

YES! I have "cuddle friends", but I just call them friends, since most of my friends will cuddle with me under different circumstances. Some only if one of us is sad, or our bodies are broken and need a massage. Some because they also like cuddles. Sometimes arousal happens, but we've already talked and we know where the boundary is.

I think it's interesting to hear everyone's stories, thank you all for sharing. I connect with River, who mentions a high need for touch that perhaps came from time in an incubator as an infant. I did too, and I often have a longing to be small and fit into a dear one's lap again, to fall asleep as I did on my aunt's knee at family parties. I also identify with Redpepper, who says she gets "touched out" at work: I work in childcare, and really don't want to be touched when I get home either, but I find it doesn't last more than an hour or two, if I spend that time in peace.

Nyncindie, I agree that paying to go and cuddle with (potentially unwashed) strangers is uncomfortable. I want the people I cuddle with to be people I care about. Yes, being picky is important, and context is important too. I wonder if it's so uncomfortable because you feel your boundaries won't be respected?
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 06-26-2011, 04:11 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,252
Lightbulb a touchy subject

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
I know myself: Iím a guy and I have a penis, which means a solid 40% of my brain power is usually spent thinking about having sex with a woman, Cylon, female elven sorceress, female orc warrior, or tentacled Lovecraftian femme fatale
This is my new favorite quote. I'm going to snigger about it at random moments for the rest of the day.

But I dunno, Hades, I think even tentacled Lovecraftian femme fatales may enjoy a good cuddle now and then, especially if it leads to pain and/or end of the world.

River, thanks for starting this thread! It's been really interesting to me. My best friend adores cuddling platonically, and perhaps not coincidentally, also works with her chakras, channelling energy. You and she probably share quite a few spiritual beliefs too. She has been heavily involved in a movement called New Culture, which is trying to consciously create a new way of being, of living. (I've involved too but more tangentially.) The New Culture folks tend to be cuddly - there are puppy files and group cuddling (although never for money! I'm with NYCindie - that's creepy or at best sad). Here's the link: www.nfnc.org.

I'm pretty sure I've never consciously felt my chakras do anything - and I'm ok with that. It's not something I care to pursue right now. (Who knows how things will develop though! I also never thought I would have sex with men or have more than one relationship or enjoy collard greens.)

So cuddling leads to arousal which leads to frustration which leads to cranky which leads to stupid. At least for me.

I wish I was a more cuddly person. I'm touch deprived now with Beloved a continent away. SW is touchy which helps a lot but we don't see each other every day. And Oil Man's schedule is insane so I don't see him much. A friends' hug helps a lot but I don't have as many friends as I would like. So I'm building new friendships, and maybe new loves, but that takes time.

Just realized this is a bit of catch 22: cuddling makes me frustrated and cranky, but not enough touch makes me frustrated and cranky. I'm going to go away and think about this...
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 06-26-2011, 04:45 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

This is interesting to me as well, the idea of not cuddling someone because you might become aroused or be attracted to them. I have 3-5 friends I see once a month. After a long day of fighting we sit around the fire chatting or on a bunk in a cabin. I will always cuddle up with one of them until Runic Wolf gets back as he's my favorite cuddle person. :-) At home I have less cuddle friends, but some of that is due to the changing nature of my friendships with old friends. Some I just don't feel comfortable enough with to cuddle, not because I feel that they'd try something, but because our friendship is no longer as close as it once was. We have a huge sectional and a fairly large TV. The only thing missing lately is a night where our friends come over, watch a movie, and cuddle.

Ofcourse I save the best cuddles or Runic Wolf, Wendigo, and Pretty Lady, and my general friends don't get naked cuddles because that would make the taken friends significant other's uncomfortable, but I'm more than okay with that.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 06-26-2011, 06:13 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,525
Default

I like this thread. It's nice to know that I'm the only one who doesn't like to be mauled in the kitchen (while cooking) . I'm not a real cuddly person, I can't sit still very long, I need to wiggle and move and I get hot very easily (need my personal space). However, I do like a friendly arm over my shoulders occassionally, especially if we are standing around just talking.

My youngest son (11) is definitely a cuddler. His favorite place to sit and watch tv, is to share a recliner with someone else, friends or family. If I'm streched out on the couch, he will position himself between me and the back of the couch, it's like he needs as much of his body touching another person as possible. Now my oldest is better with is own personal space.

So, as long as everyone is comfortable with the situation I don't see a problem. I see both extremes in my house, and different people just have different personal space and touching needs. While some of us would be uncomfortable sitting too close to others, someone else might be just as uncomfortable not being able to touch those they are close to. Not sure about the naked cuddling .
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 06-26-2011, 07:15 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Not sure about the naked cuddling .
Yes, that's on the bungee jumping end of the spectrum, and obviously not for everyone. That is, when the friends are not also lovers. It's definitely advanced studies! But it can be done.

Of course, many people don't care that it can be done, and that's fine. I'm interested in the fact that it's even possible.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 06-26-2011, 07:39 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,065
Default

To clarify, I am not totally against cuddling with friends. I have done it, but am just not very much into it, and would only do it if completely spontaneous -- but I would be on the lookout for sexual overtures. I don't have a set of friends that I consider "cuddle friends" and it's very unlikely that I would ever cultivate that.

There was a good friend I had, back in the 80s, whom I used to call my "Harry Met Sally" friend - meaning that we were good, very tight, close platonic friends yet had a wee bit of unacknowledged attraction (and sexual tension) between us. We never ever wanted to go there. Actually since I knew him so well, I also knew I'd never want to be in a romantic rellie with him - I saw what a PITA he was with his girlfriends! Haha. But we very rarely would kind of cuddle -- not with our bodies wrapped around each other but just sort of laying next to each other while reading or something, with my head on his shoulder, etc. One day we got into the cuddling full-on, and it led to some French kissing and ugh, that was it. The friendship never recovered. The next time he saw me in the street and we hugged hello (as we'd always done before), he grabbed my ass, and I had to smack him. He told me that I asked for it with my tight dress and behavior. I broke off that friendship immediately.

I am a big hugger and caresser. I like hugging people, and when I am out with someone, I will reach out and caress or stroke their arm or back, or play with their hair, in a totally nonsexual way, and only if I sensed openness to that. I also will freely give shoulder/neck rubs and massages (ex-bodyworker with strong hands here).

I feel that if you really want sex with someone, then come out and say it. Don't hide that desire behind some other activity like nude hot-tubbing or cuddling. I don't mean to imply that everyone into this stuff is using it as an excuse to get their jollies, but I think more people do than don't, and they/we just don't want to admit it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 06-26-2011, 08:38 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I saw what a PITA he was with his girlfriends!
And a PITA is...?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 06-26-2011, 08:42 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,525
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
And a PITA is...?
Pain In The Ass
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 06-26-2011, 08:44 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't mean to imply that everyone into this stuff is using it as an excuse to get their jollies, but I think more people do than don't, and they/we just don't want to admit it.
Maybe so, but I'm very real clear that I'm interested "platonic" cuddle partners -- as well as the caresses and other non-sexual touching with close friends. I'm also aware that the friends I have are seldom on that wavelength and that I'd like a couple of friends who are.

I'm also kinda "scientific" about these things. I like running experiments. I love challenging my edges.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 06-26-2011, 08:52 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,065
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Maybe so, but I'm very real clear that I'm interested "platonic" cuddle partners . . .
I wasn't thinking of you when I said that, so I hope you didn't think I meant it that way. You are very clear about what you want. But I was thinking about people I've known who have hidden behind an "innocent" activity when they really didn't want to own up to their true agenda that had sex or seduction at the core of it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affection, biaffectionate, cuddles, friendship, hugs, nonsexual affection, polyaffectionate, touch, touching, trust

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:02 AM.