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Old 06-24-2011, 02:38 PM
Ignorant Ignorant is offline
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Default Turn ons and turn offs

My partner and I have been together 8 years. He said he had some experiences with men in the past before me but it had been many years. I've had some experiences with women and have had some of these experiences with him involved. Because we indulged in threesomes with women, I asked if he was willing to do the same but with a man. He said sure, but it was always more like sure in theory. Opportunities came and were not taken by his choice. This all came off like he was only mildly bi. My own bi tendencies have waned over the years. I don't envision a full on relationship with a woman and never have. I know this is unfair to female partners and knowing this has diminished my want for intimacy withwomen. It isn't real intimacy its just fucking and I don't want to make anyone regret sharing their body.

So we've been poly 2 years. Ups and downs but mostly good. He meets women and nothing works out for him long term. Meanwhile I could have a date any night I wish so there is a bit of a competitive vibe there but I don't go out more than one night a week with who I've been seeing.

I've know he liked to view shemale and transsexual porn. In the last 2 months, his bi side has been growing more expressive. At this point I am dismayed at my hypocrisy and the emotional response this has brought out in me.

I have never found sex between two men appealing. I never put much thought into it because well, whats it got to do with me? I don't walk around thinking ewww gross when I see two men obviously into each other or kissing. Its just never been something I felt had anything to do with me so I never thought to much about it. My partner and I have never really sought out a threesome with a guy, but I've begun realizing now that I didn not imagine what would happen between my partner and whatever guy would be involved. When I do think about it I am put off by it. I watch some porn too now and then. Its never about two guys getting it on in any way other than incidental. My partner assures me I am his ideal but he is also aware I'm a bit put off by two men having sex so I wonder how much he would flatter me on this subject by not expressing his level of interest in men/men in drag/intersexed people. He has frudian slipped durning sex and said things that only make sense if he is imagining me as a tranny once. It was a hit and hurt me. And I've hurt him trying to talk about being put off by gay male sex. I try to act normal. we;ve been eating each other raw about this subject all week. I tried to show him he is wanted despite my desire for him being dampened; he complains I don't initiate enough so I try to and he was more concerned about pausing the friggin movie that was on! I try again and I get 5 minutes of half assed forplay before he ignores my sex parts entirely and just receives his BJ. We have intercourse for a few minutes and then he internalizes why I didn't get off before he finished! This is killing our sex life. He doesn't feel wanted and I feel inadequate. He feels I think he is gross and I suspect he'd put more effort into this if I did have a dick. UGH! On top of it all I get to feel bad because I am not turned on by everything that turns him on. If I don't get super charged up about his interest in transsexuals or guys, he gets in a twist and says he never should have let me know that side of him and he is just going to shut up about it and not act on it. Why do I have to be a part of the mix if he sees a guy? I haven't been part of the mix for every woman he has dated.
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:10 PM
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First, you DON'T have to be part of the mix if he's seeing a guy.

Ok...Now that I've answered THAT...How about this thought: You said that he has met with women, but it never really works out. Yet, you could have a date any night of the week. Perhaps, he is just feeling that if he were to date a man, he could also have more "play". Just a thought. I mean, there is a man on every street corner who will date and sleep with whoever he can, while women, are (TYPICALLY) more...elusive and harder to get. Make sense?





There are many women on this site (and others) who completely disagree and say that men are just as hard to find as women. The truth is this: If you are looking for a meaningless fuck, yes...Men are more plentiful than women. (We're typically easier than women are because most of us will rise to the occasion and put our most precious member into almost ANYTHING!. LOL) But, to find a real relationship that goes beyond sexual, then it is ALMOST as hard to find a decent man.

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Old 06-24-2011, 10:47 PM
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I think these are issues for a therapist, really. Have you thought about seeking counseling? you don't want resentment to build and it seems that you're both at loggerheads trying to talk about it among just you two. A third party's viewpoint could help.
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Old 06-25-2011, 02:23 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Well Ignorant, your post is a pretty good summary of what culture does to men and why so many men generally hide their bi curiosities until the right opportunity surfaces.

Most guys are afraid of exactly what you describe - that someone they love or care a lot about is a homophobe ! And that showing ANY attraction/curiosity to the same sex - even if it's strictly for sexual variation - is going to start a landslide of negative feelings & associations. One that will destroy any attraction they might have for you.

All I can say is that I feel you should do some analysis on your homophobic feelings. See if you can better understand where they came from - and if it's in your best interest to hold on to them. Human sexuality is very broad and a majority of people - male or female - have some bisexual tendencies. Whether those curiosities get explored or not depends on the person and their situation. But if they don't, they can become hidden points of resentment if it's felt that someone else is the roadblock.

But it seems the genie is now out of the bottle and whether your relationship will grow or deteriorate will now depend on you !

GS
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Old 06-25-2011, 03:46 PM
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Hmmm, this thread is interesting to me because my gf and I are both pansexual and she is male to female transgender, while I am a cis-gendered woman with genderqueer tendencies. I also talk to a lot of bi-curious men on ok cupid, since I am listed as bi there.

Many of these bi curious men tell me they'd like to have their first gay experience in a MFM, or MMF 3way. I guess it's a way to have comfort in the usual (sex with a woman) while exploring something new (and rather forbidden in our culture).

Just off the top of my head, to be loving towards your husband, I suggest you 2 look at some real gay male porn together, so you can get used to seeing men kissing, caressing, giving each other blowjobs and anal sex. After all, you've probably seen women giving bjs and receiving anal sex. 2 guys doing it is the same thing... just with less boobs and more body hair.

Perhaps your h would like to receive anal sex from you? Many men adore the prostate stimulation. You 2 could even shop for some toys and/or a strapon for you to wear, so he can suck "your cock" or get his ass fucked. You might get really turned on by his response and the intensity of his orgasms from that kind of sex.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-25-2011 at 03:48 PM.
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Old 06-25-2011, 04:41 PM
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Alright I'll state again. I've seen men being affectionate in front of me without issue. I've seen them kiss; it doesn't phase me. I've never thought it had anything to do with me. Its two guys exploring their interest in sex with men and how their bodies feel together. THAT doesn't bother me at all but I didn't get off on it either. like seeing a mime performance and learnig there is a school for miming. Not being interested and not seeking out more ways to incorporate miming into my life does not equal thinking miming is wrong gross or immoral.

What I am put off by is the idea of being used as a springboard for him and another guy like I'm a blow up doll in the middle with semi to non interesting parts but useful in the easing of any awkwardness they might have about being intimate with another man.

I'm his partner and at one point, his monogamous partner as he was mine. He was the one who wanted poly and I found a way to accept that. I finally do and now I'm thrown back into the fire of am I good enough? thoughts. How would I ever be comfortable with being dehumanized and used by him and someone I don't love just so they could feel less awkward about homosexual sex? I do not have to be used in that way for him to be with women and I would have just as big an issue, be just as put off by being used that way. Its why I don't have sex with women anymore. I cannot manage their long term needs and feelings so I refrain from potentially hurting someone in a way I see to be gross and off putting. I began to see our little threesomes with women to be very little about who they were as a person but all about this extra body for our pleasure. They would get in their feelings and we barely registered their distress. I should want to be in this position just to nto be called a homophobe?!?

His awkwardness was not something I caused. It was in his teens. Schoolmate judgements and being a target for violence for speaking up as a bi person. He hid it and down played it to me for years until recently. I did not cause his fear of rejection and I don't think I need to become a tool for him to use get around the past. What I do fear in this is that he has been hiding and repressing it for so long that once its all out in the open and accepted I will only then know the truth of how much or how little he has been enjoying playing straight. It is playing on my insecurities in the way many people in poly deal with even with hetero relationships only I don't have the plumbing to measure up. This is making me not enjoy being intimate with him as much as usual and that only causes him to think I'm rejecting him.
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:30 PM
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I'm just wondering if you can put your sex with him on hold for awhile. Sometimes having sex, just to prove a point or to be falsely close adds more distance and more confusion and resentment. It sounds like some heavy talking using a lot of empathy, kind words, feelings and requests would suit you more.... shut the movie off and talk.

He needs to start dating men I think.... you don't need to be involved in that. If it doesn't interest you then don't be involved. It sounds like you told him it repulses you in some way. So why not take it back. You could say, "look honey, I had never thought of man sex before and it quite alarmed me and the thought of it didn't make me comfortable. You go have man sex all you want, I just am not interested in participating.... I would be more interested in seeing that you are happy and your needs are being met on your own." That way he knows you love him, knows you are not going to be involved but are there to be a rock while he figures out how to deal with the prospect of finding a man.

Having a partner sometimes means rising to the occasion and helping through their issues. This is a big one for him. You can help him simply by smiling, being calm, not reading into it so much and being firm about your boundaries. The other part is to listen and reflect what he says. This is for him to figure out is seems, there is a history there for him. What a gift it would be if you were there as he dealt with this. It sounds like its coming to a head with all the porn he watches, what he has expressed to you etc.... you have become wrapped up in that for some reason and that is not necessarily healthy. You are not part of that, he is an what his desire is. He is independent of you and you of him. You can observe each others life and love them regardless, but no one can take on your issues and self work for you.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:00 PM
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I think you should be able to express to him everything you said in your last post. Those are very important and valid points you make. You do not want to feel used (although perhaps someday you might eventually like the idea of participating, if it's your own choice to do so). You obviously would rather have meaningful relationships than recreational sex. He has been holding back his feelings, you are imagining how that has flavored your entire relationship thus far. All this non-communication is eroding the good you have, and wearing you down. The two of you need to stop hiding how you're feeling in order to heal.
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Old 06-26-2011, 05:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant View Post

How would I ever be comfortable with being dehumanized and used by him and someone I don't love just so they could feel less awkward about homosexual sex? ...I began to see our little threesomes with women to be very little about who they were as a person but all about this extra body for our pleasure. They would get in their feelings and we barely registered their distress. I should want to be in this position just to nto be called a homophobe?!?
.
No. No one should be using anyone else for sex. I suggested you 2 could look at gay male porn and perhaps do something with you playing at penetrating him. Bringing you into a sex scene with another to be used as a bridge when you aren't cool with the idea, and just feel like a piece of meat, sounds very unhealthy indeed. Does he really want to just use you that way?

Personally, I'd find it hot to be with a male lover and watch him fuck another guy... but I know I would be able to have fun with it and not feel excluded.
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miss pixi, 37
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Old 06-26-2011, 02:06 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Ignorant,

I think you may have reacted a little defensively to my prev post (?) and the term 'homophobic'. May have struck a nerve ?
My post wasn't really directed at you personally. It was more a general comment about the state of society and how things take turns like this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant View Post
.............I've seen men being affectionate in front of me without issue. I've seen them kiss; it doesn't phase me. I've never thought it had anything to do with me. Its two guys exploring their interest in sex with men and how their bodies feel together. THAT doesn't bother me at all but I didn't get off on it either. like seeing a mime performance and learnig there is a school for miming. Not being interested and not seeking out more ways to incorporate miming into my life does not equal thinking miming is wrong gross or immoral.
Not that it matters, but just food for thought and your own introspection.....

It's telling when you can observe something and as long as it's not really connected to you in some way be indifferent - but when it comes too close to home it invokes a reaction. That makes a clear statement. No point in trying to argue it with yourself or anyone else. It's just the reaction that came from you naturally. Some disgust. It's who you are internally at this point. That's fine. Unless you feel it isn't !


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant
What I am put off by is the idea of being used as a springboard for him and another guy like I'm a blow up doll in the middle with semi to non interesting parts but useful in the easing of any awkwardness they might have about being intimate with another man.
Sorry - I gotta cry "justification" on this one
And that because you have repressed bisexual tendencies yourself - you just simply don't understand the dynamic. That's ok too. But call a spade a spade.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant
......... He was the one who wanted poly and I found a way to accept that. I finally do and now I'm thrown back into the fire of am I good enough? thoughts. How would I ever be comfortable with being dehumanized and used by him and someone I don't love just so they could feel less awkward about homosexual sex?
Personally, I doubt this is the case. I doubt he's uncomfortable (awkward) - except in your presence - BECAUSE of your attitude and reaction. I don't think he should do that - to either of you. Just go explore by himself and enjoy it.

And just so you may understand.......

Multi partner sex is not about 'using' some central person(s) - and yet it IS. Because in a fashion - everyone "uses" everyone when the mood suits because I think the biggest attraction to multipartner sex is that options become possible (sexually) that are simply impossible any other way. So the additional partners could be looked on as tools of the objective. But everyone is both tool and material I think getting all tangled up in philosophical points who's the user and who's the useee is nothing more than a negative distraction. It misses the whole point of it !


In any case, we're getting off track.

If you are turned off by a male who likes to play with other males (as a lover of yours) then you have two choices............

Adopt a DADT policy and stick your head in the sand. Probably too late for that - but in the future........

Take an honest look at both bisexuality and multi-partner combinations and see if there's anything erotic in there for you - or not. There may not be. So in the future, that needs to be a question that comes out early in potential relationship conversations. It's a big trigger point for you.

Hope you figure something out............

GS
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