Cuddling With Friends - & Non-sexual Intimacy

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by redpepper

That is so interesting! What's behind all that do you think? I see cuddle parties and puppy piles as the same thing. How are they different for you?

Well... the activity is similar, but I think the fact that you have to pay for these commercially organized cuddle parties and it's a bunch of strangers from who-knows-where (in NYC they have Meetups for them - you just don't know who will show up. Did they bathe? Are they lecherous? You know, lots of potential for ickiness), whereas the puppy piles I took part in organically happened within an already defined and safe space or were loosely directed by people in the group that we all knew well and already trusted -- and these things never felt artificial.

It was never like, "Okay at 7:00 pm tonight, we're all gonna cuddle in a pile! So get ready and here are the rules." It was more like, all these practitioners of the type of bodywork I studied were there waiting for something (like a lesson or seminar) and someone suggested everyone all fall into a puppy pile. Or two people would be cradling each other on the carpeted floor and someone would join them, and then another, and another, and so on. And because it was in the spirit of the moment, and we were all friends, or most of us knew everyone, it felt good and was organic and respectful without anyone having to tell us to be respectful. No one would cop a feel (although we were all bodyworkers and very much into touching). And there was no time frame, so it broke up when it naturally happened. If the teacher came into the room, he or she would join in. If there were people there who didn't want to, they didn't. There would be laughter, groans, what-have-you, and it was always great.

It is something I remember very fondly. When I read/hear about these organized cuddle parties that ask for $40 I feel it is an aberration of something that was very special to me. I think an activity that us old hippies just organically and spontaneously did has been turned it into a big money maker and that bugs me. I also feel like the word "cuddle" has been made creepy, for some reason.

[Mohegan]

I used to cuddle with Panda and Mr Panda quite a bit. Me, Karma, Panda, and two other friends used to cuddle watching movies a lot. I do like having friends to cuddle with, but to me there's a level of intimacy there that has to be met before I am comfortable with it. I don't think I cold do a cuddle party or anything like that. Partialy my OCD and partialy because I just wouldn't be able to relax if I didn't know and feel comfortable with them.

[Hades36]

Recently a close friend and I got into an awkward situation that made us both feel unsafe and uncomfortable (around platonic cuddling and non-sexual physical intimacy). After we had talked it through, I decided that our friendship needed some clearly defined boundaries in order to survive, move forward, and grow - mainly, that we needed to stop with the cuddling because, for me, that's something that leads to sexual arousal. PLove had no problem cuddling with her, and I'm happy about that, but I'm wired really differently.

I know myself: I’m a guy and I have a penis, which means a solid 40% of my brain power is usually spent thinking about having sex with a woman, Cylon, female elven sorceress, female orc warrior, or tentacled Lovecraftian femme fatale; maybe even 50% if I’m listening to Miles Davis, drinking a good merlot, looking at PLove's booty, or it’s been at least 45 minutes since my last orgasm. I'm also a very physical person, one of those big, annoying, bear-like guys that likes to slap you on the back when he's laughing, enjoys giving big hugs that usually leave people feeling slightly weak and disoriented from lack of oxygen, and who thinks wrestling is a form of foreplay. So, for me, cuddling and all that just turns into arousal, and why get aroused with someone who is not open to having a sexual relationship with me? So, it makes the most sense for me to keep that behavior in my intimate relationship.

For me, being poly and opening my marriage means being very clear about the role of relationships. Who’s a potential or actual lover, who is a friend, who is shifting from one to the other, and what are everyone’s fears, desires, expectations, and intentions? Being 5-months new to having had the initial conversation about trying out a new model for our marriage, I realize and joyously accept that every experience is still part of the learning curve.

I'm just glad that I'm not the only person who likes the cuddling to be contained inside a relationship where, if you get the urge to do more than just caress, you're free to express that without crossing any boundaries.

[Mohegan]

Originally Posted by Hades36

I'm so glad that you guys started this forum topic. I recently had an issue with a close friend around the whole issue of platonic cuddling. I'm so glad that I'm not the only person in the world who feels like cuddling, caressing, nuzzling, etc. is something that I need to keep between myself and a lover (or lovers).

It wasn't until we moved here 3 yrs ago that it was ever an option for me. But with the move and the new life, came a lot of exploration. It was very wierd for me at first. But I gave it a chance and really started to enjoy it.

[Magdlyn]

I've never cuddled another adult who was not someone I was in a sexual relationship with. My gf and I love to cuddle, I am a very touchy feely person. However, I am also a highly sexual person and sometimes she just wants a long cuddle with no sexual touching, and I have to tamp down my desires...

However, I do get to cuddle babies, and hug a 4 year old, every week in my job and I love it. It's so relaxing.

Last night my son (he's 20) gave me a long backrub and it was sooo wonderful. He has magic fingers. Ahhhh... He started giving us backrubs when he was only 8 and I swear sometimes he did my back more good than my chiropractor could.

[Hades36]

I like cats. Cats cuddle. And really big, slavering dogs are good cuddlers, also. Babies? Kids? Meh. I always feel anxious and scared about breaking them, so I usually try to give them back ASAP lol.

[Magdlyn]

Babies are tougher than you think, Hades. "My" boys are 7 mos old now, and strong as tiny oxen.

PS, I adore cats and don't have one now and am in severe kitty withdrawal.

[River]

I'm pretty sure my whole experience and feeling-thought around touch is a little different from many here, or most. You see, I spent the first six weeks of my life in a little machine box called an incubator, where premature babies are imprisoned away from their mother's arms. Although I have no conscious memory of this, my deepest intuitive sense is that this was a major trauma for my infant self. I have always had a lot of touch hunger and touch need. So this is a factor.

Also a factor is that it's very possible that I may soon truly have two partner-lovers, the real deal -- not just fly by night touch-and-go landings. One never knows how things will unfold, of course. But that may be emerging welcomely into my life. And two would be a limit for lovers for me, for a long while anyway. I could only imagine having three loves
years into having settled into two-loveness.

Another factor is that I love some of my friends, only not romantically. I could cuddle with any of them. One of them I did, years and years ago. Only once. (???) And touch is related to bonding and the feeling of emotional connection-commitment in my head and heart. Being held and holding allows me to be fully close, and ... well, it feels to me that if I am utterly sexually fulfilled, holding and being held by a friend could be sweet and tender and not sexually oriented or motivated at all. It could just be happy time, lovely sweet happy time.

And, yes, I do think true good friends have commitment/s with one another, just like romantic lovers do, when they do. Only a little different. And yet so much the same! We want to know our friend is with us, "in it", not going away because the weather got a little stormy or the journey got a little challenging.

[Mohegan]

Originally Posted by Hades36

I like cats. Cats cuddle. And really big, slavering dogs are good cuddlers, also. Babies? Kids? Meh. I always feel anxious and scared about breaking them, so I usually try to give them back ASAP lol.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Babies are tougher than you think, Hades. "My" boys are 7 mos old now, and strong as tiny oxen.

PS, I adore cats and don't have one now and am in severe kitty withdrawal.

I love cuddles with my niece. The innocent, full on love and trust in a childs heart is good for the soul. I used to be afraid of falling asleep and hurting her, but I learned to be a light sleeper when she was with me. And one night when she was 2 weeks old, Karma came home to find me asleep sitting up with her little baby arms hugging me. He said he has never seen me so at peace.

Cats on the other hand. I had it my head that my kitten would be a cuddler and lap cat the way my dog was. She wanted nothing to do with that. Now that she is around 7 though, she is an attention whore and will cuddle with anyone.


I think part of my issue with platonic cuddles was that I did get somewhat aroused by it and at the time, Karma and I were no where near strong enough to let that lead to anything. Panda and I did eventualy branch out into something. But all these other have been platonic. Attraction and arousal, yes, but not acted on.

[Tonberry]

I've never cuddled with friends. I'm not really against it but I think that would make me uncomfortable. I prefer cuddling with people I'm intimate with sexually, because then I'm comfortable with the idea that one or both or all of us might get aroused in the process.