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Old 06-22-2011, 01:51 PM
MileHighQuad MileHighQuad is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 11
Default Quad in Hiding

I am Struggling with the need to behave differently around others because the other couple in our quad is so worried about coming out. I understand, and sympathize with their feelings- one is a school teacher and the other works for the military as a civilian contractor. We live in a very conservatively minded town, and we have children between the ages of 8-13. I get it, really. But it is so hard to go from being open and affectionate with eachother when we are alone or out of town, to throwing up walls so that we appear to just be friends when anyone else is near. We've been a quad for a year and a half now, so the love attachments are pretty strong now. We see eachother almost everyday. Our families have dinner at eachother's houses 2-4 times a week. We get to have all nighters together about every 6-8 weeks, and find stolen moments to share a couple intimate hours about once every week. My love for these people is so strong, I feel like I am constantly trying to stuff this huge thing into a tiny box. But, it never quite fits and it spills out all over the place. I want to shout our love from the rooftops, but cannot. Mostly I'm just venting, but if anyone has advice for how to deal with this, I appreciate it. Reading all your posts when I so often feel like we are alone in this helps me a lot. Thanks everyone! :-)
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:08 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

Well um, you could make plans to re-locate to a less conservative community. This is a huge step but if it's what you really want in the long-term, it's never too soon to start making plans.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:27 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

The thing I don't get is that the people that make the community conservative and narrow minded are open about it and everyone else is closeted. If everyone who is less conservative and narrow minded were open, then there would be more of a balance at the very least. You create your own reality ya know?

Or ya, move. I know its hard, but change only happens when we are open ad honest with the world I reckon. That doesn't mean shoving it in peoples faces, just being humblelly yourself and natural
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Old 06-23-2011, 05:21 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239

Well one of the good things about a MFFM quad, is that to the outside world it's easy to appear as just two couples who are best friends...like the Flintstones and Rubbles.
We also live in a conservative state and in an odd way I'm a tad jealous that your situation can easily be camouflaged...a triad of three guys living together is harder to blend in for sure.

Of course in an ideal world y'all would win the lottery and move to a liberal bastion like NYC or SF or Paris and be able to be as open as you want. I can't count how many times I've had that daydream! But realistically, you just have to try to live as happily as possible while not making too big of a scene. Find ways to spend time together away from the prying public more often if you can...it's about the best you can do.

And well, come here to vent as needed.
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Old 06-23-2011, 06:12 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

I am SO with you!!!!

My men are very private -- neither one of them wants to come out. We also live in a small conservative community and we have kids ranging from 5 to 16 still living at home. My two grown children know -- one is accepting, the other is not. The younger kids don't know -- they just think we are friends. But it's getting harder to hide my affection for my bf from my teenagers. (And to explain why my husband is going on match.com and it's OK with me!)

I want to shout it from the rooftops too! I want to love out loud! I want to brag about how much my husband loves me, how much my men trust each other, how they exchanged "Happy Father's Day" wishes with one another, how much respect exists between the three of us....

I have my dreams. It does seem that the world is "opening up" (thanks especially to the GLTB community for their EXTREME BRAVERY! RfromRMC -- love!) But for now I have to tuck it inside. It is really hard for me to keep a secret. Fortunately I do have a few trusted friends who know, so I can share my joys with them. Also I have this forum! It's a community in itself. We have a great thread where people share their success stories and happy moments. I try to be grateful for the happiness I do have, and remember that keeping the privacy of my men is another way of loving and honoring them.
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:05 PM
Abstract Abstract is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20

Its not easy....I was born and raised in NYC (where it seems everything goes), and met my partner in WI (People didn't really care what we did) after living there for a few years we moved to GA( Wow that was culture shock, I thought people were gonna chase us with a pitch fork) LOL. It was warmer : ) . We find being open with being gay/bi and poly on top of that is very, very hard. We picked our current location in GA, because it was the best choice for our children. No where near Atlanta (which is a bit more open minded)

Everyone knows that we are in a same sex relationship, its not something we choose to hide. Some people had issues with it some did not. It has on occassion been a problem with my work, but not hers. As for poly we tried to hide it at first, but we just didn't see how it was any different than not hiding that we were gay/bi.

It wasn't as big of a deal as you would think, we still get the dirty looks and nasty comments.....but we have also made some really great friends that we would have never made if we had to keep our lifestyle a secret. Being gay seems to be more of an issue then being poly.

I agree with the idea that either your community will change you or you will change your community. The more people who are out about there "alternative" lifestyle the easier it is for the people who have them. I am sure you will find there are more than you know, we did : )

We tried somethings that may work for you guys. Go out places that are far if you can from where you live or work. Even if your not gay or bi, going to a gay or bi place might be a good idea, people tend to be a little less focused on what situations other people are in, and more excepting of difference. Our straight friends go with us a lot.

I know its hard when people have jobs that will become conflicted by thier private lives. I guess it all comes down to how much longer can you keep it a secret? Is it worth keeping it a secret? What would really happen if people knew, is it just uncomfortable or will they get fired?

Very best of luck to you, and I think it is so awesome that you are so happy!!
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