Turn ons and turn offs
My partner and I have been together 8 years. He said he had some experiences with men in the past before me but it had been many years. I've had some experiences with women and have had some of these experiences with him involved. Because we indulged in threesomes with women, I asked if he was willing to do the same but with a man. He said sure, but it was always more like sure in theory. Opportunities came and were not taken by his choice. This all came off like he was only mildly bi. My own bi tendencies have waned over the years. I don't envision a full on relationship with a woman and never have. I know this is unfair to female partners and knowing this has diminished my want for intimacy withwomen. It isn't real intimacy its just fucking and I don't want to make anyone regret sharing their body.
So we've been poly 2 years. Ups and downs but mostly good. He meets women and nothing works out for him long term. Meanwhile I could have a date any night I wish so there is a bit of a competitive vibe there but I don't go out more than one night a week with who I've been seeing.
I've know he liked to view shemale and transsexual porn. In the last 2 months, his bi side has been growing more expressive. At this point I am dismayed at my hypocrisy and the emotional response this has brought out in me.
I have never found sex between two men appealing. I never put much thought into it because well, whats it got to do with me? I don't walk around thinking ewww gross when I see two men obviously into each other or kissing. Its just never been something I felt had anything to do with me so I never thought to much about it. My partner and I have never really sought out a threesome with a guy, but I've begun realizing now that I didn not imagine what would happen between my partner and whatever guy would be involved. When I do think about it I am put off by it. I watch some porn too now and then. Its never about two guys getting it on in any way other than incidental. My partner assures me I am his ideal but he is also aware I'm a bit put off by two men having sex so I wonder how much he would flatter me on this subject by not expressing his level of interest in men/men in drag/intersexed people. He has frudian slipped durning sex and said things that only make sense if he is imagining me as a tranny once. It was a hit and hurt me. And I've hurt him trying to talk about being put off by gay male sex. I try to act normal. we;ve been eating each other raw about this subject all week. I tried to show him he is wanted despite my desire for him being dampened; he complains I don't initiate enough so I try to and he was more concerned about pausing the friggin movie that was on! I try again and I get 5 minutes of half assed forplay before he ignores my sex parts entirely and just receives his BJ. We have intercourse for a few minutes and then he internalizes why I didn't get off before he finished! This is killing our sex life. He doesn't feel wanted and I feel inadequate. He feels I think he is gross and I suspect he'd put more effort into this if I did have a dick. UGH! On top of it all I get to feel bad because I am not turned on by everything that turns him on. If I don't get super charged up about his interest in transsexuals or guys, he gets in a twist and says he never should have let me know that side of him and he is just going to shut up about it and not act on it. Why do I have to be a part of the mix if he sees a guy? I haven't been part of the mix for every woman he has dated.