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  #31  
Old 10-13-2009, 03:06 PM
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Default Lessons learned in coming out - What I didn't expect

I just thought I would put out a quick blurb about some of the issue I wasn't expecting when we came out to a very resistant but important part of our family.

The stress put on us has at times shaken our faith in what we are building. We are committed and moving forward but have been dampened by re-immerging issues that have already been worked through. This is mainly my issue which I feed on because I get so hung up on being mono.

As the external pressure of disapproval and allegations of my own intentions wash up against the shores of my commitment, I find myself being pulled back into old watery depths of concern which threatened to drown me;

Am I strong enough to be with a poly woman; not with who is in her life now but in who may come in later?

Can we really have a future?

Am I unfair in my requirements to be healthy?

Can I survive in a social circle primarily poly in nature without feeling people are just friending me to get to Redpepper?

Am I giving up a "normal" life I have been in for so long and feels so comfortable to me?

The list goes on but these are all questions I have answered and ultimately the answers all lead to one thing...forget everything else...We have a very fortunate and special "V" that has paid its dues and put in the work. We have committed to each other and genuinely love each other. No outside opinion will take us to another path, only our own will.

Above everything is the fact that Redpepper is the most radiant, trustful, loving and wise love my head, heart and soul have ever met. She is my definitive passion and partner. If something wants to get in my way of loving her it will have to come from inside and be a fuck of a lot bigger than anything we have seen yet. End.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-13-2009 at 03:19 PM.
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  #32  
Old 10-14-2009, 10:02 PM
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If this Was Fb I would Be "liking this".

Thats a great list of lesson learnt.

Mono. You Rock.
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  #33  
Old 10-14-2009, 10:36 PM
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Awesome!
It's so nice to hear you talk about working through your own thoughts/fears/issues etc.
One of my frustrations is being surrounded in real life with people who are afraid or otherwise unwilling to look deeply into themselves.

On the previous board I frequented (not a poly board) I was endlessly encountering people who believed whatever they believed was right "because that was what they were taught" as a child and the same is true in my day to day life. It drives me NUTS.

It's a breath of fresh air to see other people looking deeper into themselves, getting past what someone else said and really looking into the deeper truths of their life.
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  #34  
Old 10-15-2009, 03:42 AM
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Thanks for the comments
This is so worth it.
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  #35  
Old 10-15-2009, 08:17 PM
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Those are questions I think all of us have to deal with--I had to work through many of the same things as a poly man facing a relationship with a poly woman. Those seem pretty universal to me.
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  #36  
Old 10-15-2009, 08:44 PM
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I guess the main point of this thread was to bring up the issue of re-immerging concerns due to new stresses. Not that these questions had to be answered for the first time.

Either way, something to watch for
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  #37  
Old 10-18-2009, 02:26 AM
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Mono you just put into words the place Im at in my life with LR.In my counseling meeting We talked about not trying to "GET RID" of the feelings and the hurt and the doubts. But rather setting them in a vessel in our minds and working through them one at a time.To get rid of them would be to lose a part of ourselves.

I know that I will ,in time, be able to put those evils away and not have them rear there ugly heads. Keep up the good fight and put your fears and worries in a vessel and set them in a safe place in your mind where they cant hurt you and they cant get out.
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  #38  
Old 10-18-2009, 02:50 AM
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maca, that's basically how I handle things in general and all I went through in the beginning of our poly relationship. I imagine putting each of the hurts in a box and would try at times to take them out and deal with them when I was in a better frame of mind. There were times I could barely crack the lid on the box before it was too much to deal with and then there were times I could really take them out and work on them. Now, those boxes don't require the lids much less the tape to hold them closed. I agree with your counselor, I wouldn't want to get rid of these boxes. The hurts they hold were some of the absolute worst I've ever endured but, they have made me the person I am. And I am rather proud of the measurable distance we've come when I view them now.
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  #39  
Old 10-18-2009, 05:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
I agree with your counselor, I wouldn't want to get rid of these boxes. The hurts they hold were some of the absolute worst I've ever endured but, they have made me the person I am. And I am rather proud of the measurable distance we've come when I view them now.
You can say that again quad! I know exactly what you mean. I have a little box in my mind and there was a time when opening it was more then I could handle. Then I got to a point where the lid could be cracked and one step at a time I found myself where I am today-which is a place where I know I can safely peer inside with pride that the amount of growth I've made since those pains were controlling my life is amazing and worth a good amount of deserved self-confidence.

I can't wait to see Maca reach that point (not trying to rush him), he's a good man and he deserves to see himself the way I see him. I daresay that RedPepper feels so about Mono as well-hoping he see's himself the way she can see him. It's hard to see someone you know is SO worthy feel like they might not be! But it's SO amazing when you get to see your love for them reflected and know that they finally love themselves that much too!
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  #40  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:03 AM
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Question Coming out of the closet?

A while back, my husband and I separated following his affair. He ended things with her, and we got back together about three months later. Seeing him grieve for her was an eye-opening experience for me, and when he asked me about trying an open relationship, I agreed to consider it quite seriously because I care deeply for him. I began to see that he has always been poly, and since we got together young, he didn't have a chance to figure that out on his own.

I read up, and interviewed some friends who have open relationships, and observed their interactions for about 6 months. In the end, I agreed that with some rules in place to protect my feelings, he could have some flexibility to see other people as well.

Since then, and totally unexpectedly, I crushed on a mutual friend of ours, and the relationship has turned romantic and sexual. My husband is very supportive, and I am enjoying the experience so far.

My best friend, however, doesn't know. She's shown judgemental attitude toward this kind of lifestyle before, and I didn't mention it to her before because I thought it was just going to be my husband playing with others, and that's really none of her business. Keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend from her is awkward, but I am afraid of her reaction.

Does anyone have a similar experience, or words of advice to share?
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