Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-09-2009, 06:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.
That is a good point. Fairness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)
I meant to encourage folks to go searching for those other threads rather than me doing it for them. I did not mean that a topic should be confined to one thread only.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-13-2009, 02:44 PM
Polyphemus Polyphemus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: KY
Posts: 6
Default

You're right YGirl, I was being lazy. I like your assertive/aggressive style.

I'm feeling the NRE very strongly right now. The weekend was lots of fun. Met a new friend at the show and the energy was Strong! We wanted each other sooo bad, but we chose not to act on it, we just danced together and hung about for a while.

Nin and I are still new to this so we've decided to ask permission first before we do anything with anyone else. That would make it difficult to be spontaneous, but we don't want to rush into things.

But it turns out that my new crush has an SO who would not be okay with her dancing with me, much less anything else. Gah, I hate it when that happens. Nin and I have agreed to not cheat with people in mono relationships. It's so hard just being friends when you really want each other.

Nin's really strong NRE with her crush has waned quite a bit. She was hoping that would happen since she couldn't have him.

Nin and I have really fantastic sex last Friday and last night. I think we're getting back into our groove. The few bumbs we had in the last few months are smoothing out.

This forum is amazing.

Last edited by Polyphemus; 10-14-2009 at 06:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-13-2009, 03:14 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyphemus View Post
The few bumbs we had in the last few months are smoothing out.

This forum is amazing.

I have to say it..it's in my nature....can't hold back..

"I'm glad the few bumbs you've had are smoothing out..usually they have really bad skin" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Forgive me..I'm mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-13-2009, 09:24 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,260
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polyphemus View Post
On this forum, do most people have primary and secondary relationships? Or do most think things should always be as equal as possible?
Personally I think of relationships as equal in nature if each person in any given relationship are recieving what they need. But never IDENTICAL.

For example:
I tend to have sex much more often with Maca (who is my husband) because he wants it more often and it's a more central part of our relationship. But I tend to cuddle, talk and just ..... BE with C more-because that is more central to our relationship. C and I tend to be more affectionate in general while Maca and I are much much more sexually suggestive in our affection.
Obviously very different dynamic's but I consider them equally important and don't consider ones needs more important than the other.

Ironically Maca tends to be more insecure than C and he tends to be more concerned about what other people see/think. So as a rule of thumb C and I defer to his feelings in those areas, because C is simply not insecure in our relationship and very rarely needs that extra reassurance.
So for example, this morning I was laying in bed with C just talking, cuddling and catching up on a weeks worth of busy-ness. Maca called. He felt anxious. We talked, C was fine with the interuption and played with baby girl while I talked to Maca, then C and I got hte morning started together with the kids and went for our morning walk.
Maca SAID maybe he shouldn't call and interrupt our mornings-but that's silly, he needed to talk to me and needed the reassurance of hearing my voice AND that didn't bother C so it shouldn't be a big deal for him to call me.

On the other hand, if I were laying in bed with Maca I would probably not answer a call from C. First of all it's not likely that it's important, because generally his life is pretty predictable and doesn't require my involvement to keep it going smoothly. But more than that he simply isn't insecure of in need of that contact, so I would wait until I wasn't in bed with Maca to talk to him. Additionally it would bother Maca because he would feel like our time wasn't as meaningful to me as it was to him. That isn't true and again-C doesn't NEED the reassurance so there isn't a point in triggering that with Maca.

NOW that said-it is important to be upfront and allow a person to face their insecurities-so I don't try to pretend that Maca's neediness shouldn't be something he's working on (which he is and he's doing a good job of it too) but I don't try to shove it down his throat either.

So-to me equal, but equal is often quite different.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-13-2009, 09:29 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,260
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think how we define equality is the issue. I prefer to think of things as "fair" rather than equal. Fairness is more along the lines of "equal opportunity to have my needs met in a relationship". Knowing that my needs are not going to be the same as other people's needs and that there is always going to be a balance. However, in that balancing act, my needs are being taken into consideration rather than being trumped by the needs or insecurities of another partner.

(and I see nothing wrong with with topics showing up in more than one thread....there are always differences and nuances, and there has never been a perfectly compartmentalized forum in the history of the internet)

That explains my thoughts well. I have needs, Maca had needs, C has needs, but they aren't the same. The RIGHT thing is for all of us to take each others needs into consideration and to be sure we are all getting our needs met. Sometimes people get so caught up in definitions or meanings they forget the point. The point is to care for and love one another which means taking time to consider their needs as well as our own.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:43 AM.