Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-23-2011, 06:51 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,332
Default

I'm kinda clearer. Maybe. Ok, not really but I'll give it a try anyway.

So the issue seems to be that the relationship between the two friends was secret from others, there was some sort of a blowup between them and/or other people and now their bad energy is affecting the circle?

Does your tradition/coven/circle/group have a high priestess or high priest? This sounds like an issue a HP needs to address - not if the sexual relationship itself - they are adults of course - but how the fallout from that relationship is affecting worship. Some of the HP's I am acquainted with would have pulled them aside, offered to talk things over with them but basically tell them to get their stuff together, if only for the duration of the rituals.

There is no need to apologize by the way. Yes, it was not very coherent but honestly, I've written some wandering posts as had many, many people. Some things are not conveyed in an easily understood package. And writing things out often helps my own comprehension.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-23-2011, 07:05 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Red face

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
They are both grownups and need to deal with this themselves. If they can't get over it for the sake of the group during a ritual maybe they should both be politely asked not to come until they have worked out their issues. Otherwise it's really none of anyone elses' business what they do.
Yeah, I suppose that was where I was going in my majorly long-winded way.

We did ask them both that and they both reacted badly. She didn't want ot get over it and he said, "Nah, she's ok, I told her why I was breaking up with her". So she then via email decided to leave the group stating that she really loved us but it was time to go and he's spent time seeming to not understand, blame us for the decision made by the second lady (she asked for a little space to get her head round things but she wouldn't not be in contact they'd still be in contact and all that - we were definately NOT party to that decision and had clearly stated that it was obviously non of our business how their relationship progressed - nor were we in any way interested). He was going to return a gift that was given to him at the ritual which was personal to him, when all we'd asked was for that 'time out' to work out the issues - we had never said it was 'never darken our door' or anything like that, in fact I repeated what we thought might be the best solution - pretty much what you suggest Derbylicious, several times to ensure that he had heard correctly.

As you've all said, they're Adults, we're not their parents or anything like that.

As I said, today our other friend has just had a big operation. After we knew which hospital ward he was on, I texted the guy at the centre of this so that he knew this information, after all, they've been friends for a long time too and it's important and beyond any of the other stuff.

See, maybe I should take heed of what hubby says at times - "I must stop being long winded and be more to the point!"

M
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-23-2011, 07:14 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
So the issue seems to be that the relationship between the two friends was secret from others, there was some sort of a blowup between them and/or other people and now their bad energy is affecting the circle?

Does your tradition/coven/circle/group have a high priestess or high priest? This sounds like an issue a HP needs to address - not if the sexual relationship itself - they are adults of course - but how the fallout from that relationship is affecting worship. Some of the HP's I am acquainted with would have pulled them aside, offered to talk things over with them but basically tell them to get their stuff together, if only for the duration of the rituals.

There is no need to apologize by the way. Yes, it was not very coherent but honestly, I've written some wandering posts as had many, many people. Some things are not conveyed in an easily understood package. And writing things out often helps my own comprehension.
LOL - Yup to all. And yes, all those steps were taken but the two individuals have reacted as I've just stated above. I just sometimes really get exasperated. A face to face conversation was going to be had with both individually as one lives in one town and another in the other, so it was being worked on the woman working out when she could pop over as she had to work out what to do regarding her kids. I'm amazed how they worked through stuff to be honest considering she has a husband and kids and he's strapped for cash and doesn't drive.. I must give them that in organisational skills and tenacity! lol - sorry.. She chose not to have the face to face meeting.

I suppose my reaction is like it is as they had every opportunity to either call things off (even to the extent of being able to do it on the night) and afterwards to try and sort things through. It's one of those wierd feelings of loss in a way as I realise that I don't actually really know a friend who has been one for almost 19 years.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.. Just suppose needed somewhere to talk and to maybe get clear in my head that all that could have been done was done to sort through things..


M
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-23-2011, 08:36 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Mari,

I think your heart seems to be paved with good intentions. You know what they say about roads to hell though ?


When you dicuss the fact that, their energies and attitudes are affecting the group,..You now understand why some companies have a 'don`t date a employee' type of policy in place.

If you want to NOT stand in judgement, then you need to pull yourself OUT of that specific situation, and sit down with your fellow leaders and members and discuss some policies for the future. Maybe dating within the group is ok, and fine, but you make up and hand out guidelines, for how to handle social interactions within the group/church after relationships go awry.
Specifically mention what the group will and wont tolerate, where to go to for help, and venting, what the group can do to help reduce stressors, etc.

Said hand-out needs to explain the type of stress put upon the group, when there is negative energies in the room.

When people are in pain from relationship-breakdown, they dont see very clearly, they don`t see past their own pain. A guideline would help negotiate this while someone is flopping through their misery.


Do you think, maybe, that the info that was told to your sick/surgery-induced friend, is actually the source of your hurt ? You could be upset that someone you care about, had enough going on, without bullshit drama being laid at his feet.

It might be prompting you to not see clearly, how you need to stay OUT of this dynamic.

While you mean well, your own words ( even if you dont think you communicate clearly,..I can tell you, you are communicating your feelings very clear. Your 'lack' is only in being vague initially.) tells me, that you have far to much info about this situation, and feel some need to 'deal' with it.

If I were you, I`d redirect that energy towards future ways for your group to deal with such situations, and forget judging your friends in their current situation.

They got themselves into it, let them get themselves out of it.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-23-2011, 10:34 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Default

Quote:
I think your heart seems to be paved with good intentions. You know what they say about roads to hell though ?
Yeah I know..

Quote:
If you want to NOT stand in judgement, then you need to pull yourself OUT of that specific situation, and sit down with your fellow leaders and members and discuss some policies for the future. Maybe dating within the group is ok, and fine, but you make up and hand out guidelines, for how to handle social interactions within the group/church after relationships go awry.
Specifically mention what the group will and wont tolerate, where to go to for help, and venting, what the group can do to help reduce stressors, etc.
Yeah, that's something that is being discussed. What has come out of this is that maybe too much was expected from people, that it was thought that they understood all that, especially our friend who we have known for 19 years and had been in the group a while back, we thought he'd remember how situations like this can affect a group but maybe we just didn't think or take into account how much he's changed.

Quote:
When people are in pain from relationship-breakdown, they dont see very clearly, they don`t see past their own pain. A guideline would help negotiate this while someone is flopping through their misery.
Yes, and we had been there before for both individually but neither could see this.. Also, I do feel that our male friend had definately forgotten this and had not taken into account her feelings in all of this, only thinking of his happiness, but then that is his thing and I'm only judging (I know, my bad) from the outside looking in.

Quote:
Do you think, maybe, that the info that was told to your sick/surgery-induced friend, is actually the source of your hurt ? You could be upset that someone you care about, had enough going on, without bullshit drama being laid at his feet.
Our friend isn't sick, sorry to have given that impression - it's just so much at one go... He'd been in the bombings on the underground trains when those happened, he wasn't physically injured but that brought him to a stage where many things fell into place and he is currently going through gender reassignment, he's been on hormones now for a while and is recovering from his first operation. We're all just so happy for him. Yes, I suppose in part we were, we knew that later in the year the operation was going to happen (then it moved to today with him only being told yesterday), and we knew that he was finally doing things as he wished in his life and I suppose it was, yes, know that they were close, but as he said to us, he really wasn't interested in hearing this and on the one hand could understand the "I'm so happy, everything is going so well in my life finally, I've got two women, oh wow" but on the other hand he just really didn't want to know.

Quote:
It might be prompting you to not see clearly, how you need to stay OUT of this dynamic.
Oh, I'm being polite but have left them to it. It is their choice what they wish to do with their lives, my only focus is that everyone else is ok and it is clearly defined that should others look at joining that as you said, they are very clear what things can cause issues, then it is their responsibility as adults to take that on board. We've done whatever we can, we were open to discuss and well, let time heal but I don't think others are open to that so we can only try and move on. I do need to remember that we've always said to everyone - your life is your own and decisions yours and probably stop trying to mother all my friends! (It's the Hispanic in me, thankfully I'm not a Mom - poor kids!!!)

Thank you so much everyone for everything and your patience.

Did I say on a plus point I and my other half are spending lots more time talking? We've been talking about the possibility of maybe finding a poly social to go and chat with others in a relaxed atmosphere.

M
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:45 PM.