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  #171  
Old 06-23-2011, 12:10 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Default hurt and confused

One of our good friends has know we're poly for about 2 years now; when she and I first discussed my relationship with Wendigo she gave her approval. Prior to that conversation and for a bit after we'd flirted with the idea of fooling around, but in the end she was more afraid of losing her boyfriend (even though he gave the OK). I was more than okay with that, but every so often she will dangle the carrot infront of my nose - hiding my birthday present down her shirt for me to dig for, showing me her new nipple piercings, letting Wendigo and I give her scratchies and massages while she moaned in our laps, and generally leading me on. A few times Wendigo has told her to make up her mind and so have I.

Runic Wolf and I outed ourselves to the rest of our Dag unit while at Ragnarok; one understood right off, our friends who already knew (and Wendigo) remained silent, but Friday morning I caught our good friend, T and our friend P talking about one of our unit heads; who was being actively pursued by a member of another unit, but is married and refused to cheat. They were annoyed because everyone was encouraging him to sleep with her; his wife is ARMY and they're living separate lives sans sex, much to his dismay when he does see her. I actually was proud of him for not cheating, but never got a chance to say so. P made a comment right infront of me that people who are in open or poly relationships must have something seriously wrong at home to make them want that sort of thing. I tried to say something about how it doesn't work for everyone, but P wouldn't let me into the conversation. T said that she'd never do it again. She didn't agree or disagree with him and did notice me and say that some people can do it and said that she'd never ever do it again. Then she spent the whole rest of our time there treating me like I was less than her. I had already decided, in November, that I was done trying to get her to change her mind. I realized that no matter how attracted to her I am, I'd be settling for her when I really want Pretty Lady. Still, being treated that way, infront of everyone, really hurt. Especially after hearing how she's been done with poly for awhile after she excitedly showed off her nipples to me for the first time back in May.....

I'm torn and confused about how to react. On the one hand, I want to confront her, but after the dramas w/in our unit on Sunday, I don't want to make things worse. On the other hand, is her not standing up for me and treating me as less (which could be because she's letting her new rank go to her head) worth risking our friendship for when I really don't want anything more?
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  #172  
Old 06-23-2011, 04:38 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You're not really hiding anything if it just doesn't ever come up.
The problem is knowing what to say when it does. Awkward silences can be unpleasant. I think a good way to come out about having poly relationships would be to prelude with how morally terrible you find it when people lie and cheat in relationships because they need to maintain a facade of natural monogamous feelings. I'm guess many monogamous people would feel their own hypocrisy when you put it that way. Just say that you and your partner talked openly about your feelings and realized that you both felt limited by monogamy but love each other too much to lose each other. If you get negative reactions, it's probably just out of jealousy and frustration that people feel in maintaining their own facade.
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  #173  
Old 08-29-2011, 11:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default Found a website for poly peeps who are "out"

Just discovered this site where people share stories of being "openly poly," and thought some folks would find it useful and interesting:

http://www.openlypoly.net/
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  #174  
Old 08-30-2011, 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I really think that the change that I desire to see in the world around acceptance of poly is going to come from people coming out and feeling more capable and confident in talking about poly from the perspective of an alternative to Monogamy; not a replacement, but an alternative, not as a means to get more sex, but a way to create more belonging, love and deeper ties to chosen family.
I agree with this 1000% !

I'm simply astonished at and by the level of fear of coming out I read and hear about. But I'm the B in the LGBT, and I have caught the flame of the broadly framed Civil Rights Movement, the spirit of couragious public nakedness and honesty, the passion for visible truth!

Stand up, people! Join arms and hands with your brothers and sisters, with pride!
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  #175  
Old 08-30-2011, 12:14 AM
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To the documentary filmmakers among us: I pledge $100.00, American, to the doc maker who will commit to a serious project under the title: The Polyamory Underground (Okay, the title is just a suggestion). I want to see a film made where the invisibles (with disguised voices and faces) talk openly about their "underground" life, their life of hiding in the poly closet, trembling in fear.... I want to see comparisons with pre-Stonewall Gay America and the post Stonewall era as a dream.... I want our invisibility visible.

Who will pledge money to this project? Let's collect $10,000. as a grant/gift to entice the right folks. And we can choose an existing poly org to decide among filmmakers who can / will apply for the grant money encouragement.

I'll create a topic for this called "Pledge Drive" in General Discussions.
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  #176  
Old 08-30-2011, 12:31 AM
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I replied to the other thread you started, River.
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  #177  
Old 08-30-2011, 03:49 AM
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Openly Poly also really needs new stories! So, if you have something to share, please get in contact http://www.openlypoly.net/contact-us/ !
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  #178  
Old 09-08-2011, 12:19 AM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Didn't know where else to put this...so here it goes. In one of my master's courses I had to write a paper about my undergrad experience. Being poly and bisexual, and the process I had to go through to find that identity, was a huge part of my conflict as a young adult. I go to a very liberal school, so I don't fear any repercussions from my professor, but he is the first person I've come out to other than my sisters and close friends....in other words, someone I'm not close to. I feel nervous, yet surprisingly relieved.
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  #179  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:59 PM
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I'm totally out to all my friends and they are all supporting as hell. I'm really lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. <3

I consider my friends and partners to be WAY closer to me than any of my "family". I guess, of my parents I'd say I'm closest to my father, although we only see each other about once a year, plus exchange maybe a few e-mails/texts during the year. So he's not a big presence in my life, but we mostly get along, and we talk about all kinds of stuff. We have quite different values, he's a fundamentalist Christian.

Anyway, I came out to him maybe two years ago about my bisexuality. It wasn't something I needed to tell him, but it goes against my nature to be in a closet. He didn't take it well (as I knew he wouldn't). He's not judgemental to my face (as in saying I will burn in hell or smthing like that). But in general he does think that same-sex action is a sin and sick and all that. This summer I mentioned to him that I'm not monogamous with my husband, and I exchanged a few e-mails with him about that (and some other stuff) just today.

And I'm getting tired of this. Of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life, I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e. that he still has the power to make me so sad. I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.

I don't really know what I'm looking for with posting, and this is propably sort of incoherent and incomplete.. Kind of just wanted to share with some people for whom 'coming out' is relevant in their lives.
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  #180  
Old 10-10-2011, 10:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
. . . I'm getting tired of this. Of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life, I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e. that he still has the power to make me so sad. I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.
Just as parents need to accept that their children are adults making their own choices, part of the growing up process is accepting that our parents are no longer our parents. It is possible to see them as just people. Yes, they are the people who gave us life, instilled their beliefs and values in us, loved us, nurtured us, and raised us, but they aren't parenting us anymore and at some point there has to be a disengagement from the emotional need for their approval. The only way I know how to do that is to stop thinking of them as our parents. Really, to step back a bit and start looking at them as almost strangers you are just getting to know. That doesn't mean we don't honor them and show respect for what they gave us, but it is a letting go of any romantic notions that they still have power over us. It can be done. I know people who have, and they have wonderful friendships with their parents because of it. I was able to do that with my father, which freed me a great deal from unhealthy attachment to him, but I couldn't completely do that with my mother. It's a process, but it starts with proactively choosing to see them differently.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-10-2011 at 10:10 PM.
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