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  #1  
Old 10-12-2009, 03:27 PM
joedirte joedirte is offline
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Default I think my wife might ruin a great friendship

My wife and i are kind of new to the poly life. we have a great friend we hang out with 1-3 times a week with and travel with once in a while for the last 2 years.

My wife has always like him but now started to have feeling for him and told him , he also liked her but was very about are friendship and would do nothing to hurt it. long story short they went on a date he fell head over heels for her but she thinks she made a mistake in telling him she like him and going out on a date.
We feel if she didnt go out with him the feelings would have only gotten bigger but now that she has it might crush him because he really really into her . we are new to poly so we are barely learning to deal with our feelings but now i think we might really hurt thr 3rd.

Last edited by joedirte; 10-12-2009 at 06:30 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-12-2009, 06:08 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My best suggestion for both of you is READ READ READ READ READ. There are LOTS of posts about this.

Ceoli recently had a thread about being third and how painful and hard that can be and Mono has TONS of writing about how well he's been cared for, loved and treated "as a third".
Check those two posters threads first then search.
HONESTY
COMMUNICATION
COMPASSION
CONSIDERATION
are key ingredients. If you want to add someone you have to be willing to prioritize THEIR needs/feelings/desires, not just your own.

Good luck!
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  #3  
Old 10-12-2009, 06:31 PM
joedirte joedirte is offline
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Everything fine with us i am woprried about the 3rd , it`s hard to tell someone it might have been a mistake bringing them in.
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Old 10-12-2009, 09:22 PM
Tia Tia is offline
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That's not easy to hear/do in ANY format of relationship. It needs to be done sensitively, and you may well lose the friendship.. but I hope that won't stop you taking a chance on new love in the future...

One question... is this the first time you have attempted to **start a meaningful relationship** with someone outside your marriage? If so, be really sure that the change of heart on your wife's part isn't about some other uncertainty to do with living poly. It might be crushing for your friend to deal with the rejection, but the real damage would come if she then changed her mind again and decided she wants him after all.

btw, I **'s the words in the above paragraph because you described your wife escalating the relationship with your friend as "bringing him in". One of the things that has helped me and my "metamor" (my bf's wife) is realising that the relationship they each have with me is unique and special (as is the relationship they have together, still), and not just an enhancement to their relationship. Does that make sense? I guess it might not help you, but as someone quite new to this too, I thought I would offer the "leg up" if it helps

Good luck

x
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:34 PM
joedirte joedirte is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia View Post
That's not easy to hear/do in ANY format of relationship. It needs to be done sensitively, and you may well lose the friendship.. but I hope that won't stop you taking a chance on new love in the future...

One question... is this the first time you have attempted to **start a meaningful relationship** with someone outside your marriage? If so, be really sure that the change of heart on your wife's part isn't about some other uncertainty to do with living poly. It might be crushing for your friend to deal with the rejection, but the real damage would come if she then changed her mind again and decided she wants him after all.x
We/she tired before we got married a couple years ago thats when we first heard about. she was dating two guys (i was one) and she wanted to be open with both of us, I agreed he didnt ( maybe b/c he hated me) years past we got come to a mutal friend and that how this started.

She said he was different when it was just them alone and she liked the guy he was when he was just hanging out. she said she will give him a few more chances to see where it goes but it doesnt look good , worst of all it seems he really falling for her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia View Post
btw, I **'s the words in the above paragraph because you described your wife escalating the relationship with your friend as "bringing him in". One of the things that has helped me and my "metamor" (my bf's wife) is realising that the relationship they each have with me is unique and special (as is the relationship they have together, still), and not just an enhancement to their relationship. Does that make sense? I guess it might not help you, but as someone quite new to this too, I thought I would offer the "leg up" if it helps

Good luck

x
I feel strange in a way as a man i want to be the only one for my wife, on the other hand he`s my friend and i feel bad for him. We kind of wish this never happened
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  #6  
Old 10-13-2009, 03:21 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Just a thought. But if you're wishing this never happened, it's probably better to stop it now than give it a few more chances. If he continues to fall for her while she feels nothing romantically for him, that's just leading him on. And that's a sure way to ruin a friendship. Just be honest with him. Most people would rather a little honest pain now than a to get invested in something and have a world of pain plus dishonesty dumped on them later.
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Old 10-13-2009, 05:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joedirte View Post
Everything fine with us i am woprried about the 3rd , it`s hard to tell someone it might have been a mistake bringing them in.
I agree with Tia... "bringing him in" sounds a little presumptuous. Perhaps if you take this route again, with someone that your wife or you actually has romantic thoughts for, you could think of the person as your equal rather than someone who is "brought into" your relationship.

Part of success in a poly relationship seems to be mutual respect that we are all equal within it, regardless of status. A secondary is an equal as much as a tertiary or a primary.. equal respect, care, rights... it can't be any other way or it implodes on itself it seems.

Mono is going to disagree with me on this I think as he enjoys his "lesser than" status in regards to my husband, who he sees as primary... he's used to hierarchy in his career and feels comfortable within that. It's a bit BDSM really, as according to him I own him... lol. Mistress Redpepper... LOL!
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  #8  
Old 10-13-2009, 05:53 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
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It's a bit BDSM really, as according to him I own him... lol. Mistress Redpepper... LOL!
Haha!! You're right..I do disagree. But I don't see being treated "equal" as the important thing. It is being treated fairly.

The more a partner puts into the relationship in terms of the standard family stuff or on an emotional level, the more consideration should be given to their opinion, to decisions about the future and so on. I don't feel the needs of secondaries or tertiaries who put in less should have an equal amount of influence. If that was the case this would create a disproportionate weight to the level of contribution.

I would be rather disturbed if a tertiary who was rarely present and only in specific ways entered our chosen family and had the same influence as myself. Especially in light of the heat I take as the public face of your polyamorous lives. Yeah, I 'd have issues with that.

Why can't people accept that being treated fairly doesn't mean being treated the same.

This was a total tangent BTW!!

Sorry
Mono
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-13-2009 at 06:16 AM.
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  #9  
Old 10-13-2009, 06:15 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post

Why can't people accept that being treated fairly doesn't mean being treated the same.

i couldn't agree with you more, well said Mono
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  #10  
Old 10-13-2009, 06:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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i couldn't agree with you more, well said Mono
Thanks..but I think I might be in for it
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