To Share or Not to Share?

[Lucinda]

I see both sides of this. When a lover of tells me information of his sex life outside of me, I feel close to him. I feel an emotional intimacy between us. However, I do feel a little scared and vulnerable at the thought that somebody who is not directly my sexual partner would know what my lovemaking is like.

I enjoy a middle ground. My lovers and I do respect the privacy of sex, and we don't talk about details. But we do share general information. So I might say to Fred: "Ted and I tried using costumes in the bedroom, and I was aroused when wearing a pirate outfit." I can give Fred information about me, and how I reacted sexually to the situation. This increases our intimacy, and helps him know me better. But I don't have to go into detail about Ted's sexual response to the activity. That is Ted's information to share if he wants to.

Ted may tell me that he enjoys sex during thunderstorms. He can tell me that he had sex with Jennifer during the last storm. He doesn't have to describe the sound of her moans her orgasm face to me. That would be too personal because Jennifer and I don't have the relationship where we'd discuss that with each other.

[Tonberry]

I don't know how I would feel in such a situation.
On the one hand, I understand anyone's need for privacy, and would want to respect that.
On the other hand, I've always talked about our sex lives with my girlfriends. Always got my partners' permissions first, by which I don't mean getting the permission before everything, but getting a general "yes, you can talk about our sex life with your friends". Seamus actually added "that's what girls do anyway, I wouldn't feel right asking you not to".
This being said I don't say 100% of everything, and information is information I volunteer, I'm not answering questions.

So, I would say... if I knew his sex with other partners is a taboo subject... it would make me feel excluded from part of his life as a friend, since I discuss things like that openly with my friends. And as far as talking about sex with me, I actually wish he'd do it more :P He doesn't talk to his friends about that.

On the other hand, I can imagine if I had another partner, I wouldn't go talking about one another... I mean, when I was with both Raga and Seamus, I didn't go comparing notes or anything... still I wasn't really keeping secrets either.

In the end, I don't think I'd wait for him to get home from a date and go all "so what did you do? How was it?" or anything like that, but while talking about various things, I would expect things from his personal sexual experience to come up, as I know mine would come up too. And not just talking with him, talking with her, too, I'd want to be able to share that, it's one thing about a metamour that you can ask about things nobody else would have experience with or get advice from each other or things like that, not just in a sexual context but including in a sexual context.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

On the other hand, I've always talked about our sex lives with my girlfriends. Always got my partners' permissions first, by which I don't mean getting the permission before everything, but getting a general "yes, you can talk about our sex life with your friends". Seamus actually added "that's what girls do anyway, I wouldn't feel right asking you not to".

I think this is a big issue. Whereas a woman who found out her bf was bragging or otherwise gossiping about their sexual encounters would stereotypically dump and avoid him, men are stereotypically either accepting or ignorant of their gf talking about them and their sexuality with her girlfriends. Men who would try to prevent women from talking about them with their girlfriends would be viewed as controlling, I think, and dumped. It may be sexist, but I think there might be a double-standard where female gossip is seen as a natural part of feminine sociality and male gossip is viewed as rude and controlling.

[Tonberry]

It's possible that it's generally seen that way... But as I said, I would have expected the same too... so I don't think that double standard is always there.
I think it has to do with the "man with a lot of experience = stud, female with a lot of experience = slut". Talking about a man's experiences (even with you) becomes a compliment (he's doing it so he's a stud) while talking about a girlfriend's becomes an insult (she's doing it so she's a slut).

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Lucinda

. . . I do feel a little scared and vulnerable at the thought that somebody who is not directly my sexual partner would know what my lovemaking is like.

Hmm, curious... why? What is it about someone else having an idea of how you like to fuck that brings up fear and vulnerability in you?

[I worded it as having an idea and not exactly knowing, mind you, because really even if someone verbally told them every little detail about you, they wouldn't really know what it's like to fuck you unless they actually fucked you]

[polyexplorer]

I too can see both sides...

If my wife refused to talk at all about any encounters she has with someone else, I would feel disconnected from her. I don't want intimate details, but some general sharing helps us to connect and I think is part of our intimacy.

Having said this, it is her right to withold that information if she chooses, and she can choose to not say anything at all, but in doing so there will be a cost to this, and the cost is a sense of disconnection between us.

I think it is unhealthy to need too much information to be disclosed, and I think it is equally unhealthy to feel like no information at all can be given...

[NeonKaos]

To me this is nothing more than another case of "treat others as you would would expect to be treated (or even slightly better at first just to err on the side of too much respect rather than not enough)".

But of course that doesn't make for heated debate because who would argue against it?

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

To me this is nothing more than another case of "treat others as you would would expect to be treated (or even slightly better at first just to err on the side of too much respect rather than not enough)".

But of course that doesn't make for heated debate because who would argue against it?

Well that's the problem, though, as I said, I would WANT my partner to talk about me. But other people feel differently. That's why the "treat others as you would would expect to be treated" thing fails, because your "treated right" is someone else's "treated horribly" and vice-versa.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

Well that's the problem, though, as I said, I would WANT my partner to talk about me. But other people feel differently. That's why the "treat others as you would would expect to be treated" thing fails, because your "treated right" is someone else's "treated horribly" and vice-versa.

That's because some people can't wrap their minds around the idea that they are not the funicular center of the universe, and that what they do has an effect on people they claim to care about.

I would suggest that folks who like to freely share other people's private business would have a very different view when the shoe ends up on the other foot.

So I still say treat others as you would WANT them to treat you, which is not the same as "treat others the way you would TOLERATE them treating you". And if the other person's idea of "tolerable" is your idea of "horrible", then maybe you aren't compatible together in that kind of a relationship.

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

So I still say treat others as you would WANT them to treat you, which is not the same as "treat others the way you would TOLERATE them treating you". And if the other person's idea of "tolerable" is your idea of "horrible", then maybe you aren't compatible together in that kind of a relationship.

...or you can talk to people and know what they like. I mean if you're a dom and your partner is a sub, obviously you're not treating them the way you'd want them to treat you at all, yet you're both happy, and certainly not incompatible. If your partner doesn't want things shared, don't share them, but rather than assume, talk about it, that's my point.
If I assumed my partners like the same things I do, I would often treat them in ways they don't like. I certainly don't WANT to treat them that way, whatever THEY want is what matters, but if I don't ask them what they want and assumes they have the same tastes I do...

Just because I prefer if my partners talk about what I do with them in bed doesn't mean I'm not willing to keep it quiet if they don't want me to talk about it. Just because I don't like receiving oral sex doesn't mean I don't like to give it. And so on. If every person A treated others the way they (A) want to be treated, I think a lot of people would be miserable.

Also, treating people the way you'd want to be treated would mean treating everyone the same, and I believe you should treat your partners (as well as your friends, your family, etc) differently from on another because they're different people.