Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-14-2011, 11:00 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,556
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostRane View Post
But how do u tell a person that u canít be near them today for u are feeling so insecure about yourself that u will cry at any moment?
Maybe a code word or something. Have the discussion when things are good and figure out something that will take very little effort, but everyone will understand the meaning.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-21-2011, 04:05 PM
LostRane's Avatar
LostRane LostRane is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Default code words..

Thanks for the thoughts.. I just want to be able to say i need some one on one time with Rane.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-21-2011, 04:08 PM
LostRane's Avatar
LostRane LostRane is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Default Burning the bridge part 3

I said some things that I shouldnít of on friday. I was angry about something that was said last night. Itís not how I really feel most days. I am starting to really like Draco but here comes the fear. Letís face it I havenít had a lot of men in my life that have been good to me. Everyone leaves or hurts me so deep that it almost breaks me.

Rane and Draco went for a walk together tonight, they talked about me and some of the questions on their minds. Again Draco said he cares for me but to Rane not me. I get to hear it second hand. I know I am not there yet. I am not close, I am my same guarded self. There are times during the day that I am so happy that Draco found us, he makes Rane happy, shows love and is loved. Something that has been lacking in his life I believe. We are a family and I have to let him in. I think of myself like a wall, there are small cracks that cover the surface, Draco is starting to seep into those cracks. He working his way into my heart. Tonight hr brought me a slurpee that was nice, it was just what I needed. LoL. I needed to spend some time alone to think and just chill.

Rane and I talked about her spending the night at Dracoís place again. I am nervous about it for a few reasons.
1) I am scared to alone for the night. For I think I will drive myself crazy thinking about what they are doing and am I missed? ( crazy I know)
2) Rane is away for the night and I canít protect her if shit goes bad. ( I donít think it will happen but itís a fear)
3) That both Rane and Draco will like it so much that it will be a weekly thing. And they will start to pull away from me.
4) No one will miss my snoring and when they come back to sleep at our house I will have sleep some where else cuz they canít sleep with me and my snoring.
5) I am just being stupid and blowing this all out of proportion. And being selfish and pulling everyone down.

Maybe I have to let it happen and see what the out come is. I always worry about the burning bridge over water that isnít there. Itís time to stop. Rane always says ďdonít worry about it we will make it though for itís what we doĒ. She is a smart woman and the love of my life. Maybe in time I will tell you dear blog reader that I care deeply for Draco as well.

Itís coming but you canít rush it. It will come. I have time.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-21-2011, 04:08 PM
LostRane's Avatar
LostRane LostRane is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Default burning the bridge part 4

Things are going well for the three of us but on Saturday we had a minor melt down. Rane was off all day for it was the day of her grandmaís memorial So she wanted to hurt Draco emotionally. She did just that. He was upset by the time we left. Rane was taking break up. Draco stayed at our place and showered and kinda hung out. We got home from the memorial and I fed the dogs so Rane could shower and talk with Draco. I was told I could come to bed at anytime. I opened the door and waiting till there was a break in the convo. Draco looked at me and said Ď have u been listening thi whole time?í no I said. I just want to know if I can come to bed or do u need a few more mins?

He asked for a few more mins. I closed the door and was instantly upset. Three things just happen that shouldnít of!

1) I was kicked out of my room!
2 ) I should be involved in the convo if they are breaking up for itís a relationship of three not two.
3) Rane didnít say that I could stay.

So after 45 mins Draco came into the office and said I could come to bed. I was angry so I stormed in there and yelled that It was unfair that I was not involved in the convo, I was kicked out of my room, I am not wanted or needs so I will take my pillow and sleep on the couch.

Rane and Draco both said that was unfair so come to bed. I said no I am not wanted or needed. Then I stormed out of the room. ( I know very mature but I was upset!) they texted me and said sorry and took time to cool down. Then went back to bed and we talked and all made up and kissed. Yes I kissed a boy. So another step in the right direction.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-21-2011, 05:17 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,556
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostRane View Post
Thanks for the thoughts.. I just want to be able to say i need some one on one time with Rane.
I've learned the hard way that subtle hints don't work. Just flat out say, "I need some one on one time with Rane". If you feel the need to add that you are feeling insecure, do so, but that might be a better discussion for setting up some boundries, which will include being able to say you need some one on one time with Rane without anyone getting bent out of shape. It is your job to voice your needs.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-21-2011, 06:13 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I agree that you need to ask for you the things you need. I didn't do that for a long time and it just makes things harder for everybody in the long run, most especially yourself. Needs aren't bad things.

For me, if I'm hurting, I will either sit with it by myself and sort through it or talk to a good friend of mine to work through my pain to find the bottom line-- what is it I'm missing, or needing, or wanting. Then, when I find that kernel of truth in the midst of the chaos, I can go to my partner and say "Hey, I realized X was bothering me. I need you to do Y." It's more straightforward, and then I get what I need.

An example of mine from yesterday was that my hubs tends to text and run... i.e. he'll send a text, I'll answer and then nothing... for hours. Mind you I KNOW he and his GF text all the time. I was feeling hurt about it, and sat down to think about it. What I realized is that A) they're in a new relationship so of course they have a lot more to discuss, talk about, learn about each other, and B) most likely knowing him he feels like he's texting and talking all day, he just doesn't discern that it's 90% with her and 10% with me. So last night I talked to him about it, and yes, he hadn't realized it because he's in the midst of all of this stuff. It was my job to realize it, to tell him so he realized it and to ask for what I need-- which is more contact with him in one way or another. I was feeling left out, and I had to ask for what I needed to get it.

I'm still learning as well... but learning to ask for what you need and expecting to get your needs met (at least most of the time) is a good life skill in general.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-21-2011, 07:00 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,556
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
B) most likely knowing him he feels like he's texting and talking all day, he just doesn't discern that it's 90% with her and 10% with me. So last night I talked to him about it, and yes, he hadn't realized it because he's in the midst of all of this stuff.
I did this and he actually started to argue with me, except I had the cell phone bill and had highlighted his texts/phone calls to his bff in one color and his to me were another. It was like 20 per day to her and 3-4 a week to me and those were things like "pick up food", "the kids are with me", "we need toilet paper", etc. Then it was "OH!"
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-21-2011, 07:25 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I did this and he actually started to argue with me, except I had the cell phone bill and had highlighted his texts/phone calls to his bff in one color and his to me were another. It was like 20 per day to her and 3-4 a week to me and those were things like "pick up food", "the kids are with me", "we need toilet paper", etc. Then it was "OH!"
LOL. Yeah, nothing worse than not only not getting texts but getting the "real life" ones.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-22-2011, 04:45 AM
LostRane's Avatar
LostRane LostRane is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Default texting

We kinda worked it out for us. Rane doesnt text Draco when we go to bed at night. Its our one on one time. I am free to text both of them when ever. We are working on the texting for all of us.

But again its cuz Rane and Draco are new so they are texting to get to know each other but both have to remember that there is 3 of us in the relationship.. lol
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-27-2011, 10:08 PM
LostRane's Avatar
LostRane LostRane is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Default Burning the bridge part 5

There has been lots of fighting and hurt feelings, moments of anger and pain.
Rane and Draco started out talking about would make them both feel better And keep moving in the right direction. There was some misunderstandings and it started out small then got blown up in to this huge thing. I thought at one time on thursday they would break up. (Rane has said that if this doesnít work out she will not do this again. Which upsets me but thatís another blog). We worked it all out and had plans to have dinner and spend some time the three of us on Friday night. Draco got off work and we picked him up from the train. 5 mins before Rane decide that she wanted to get the symbol for Karma tattooed on her neck. It was not how Draco wanted to spend the evening. We did have dinner but things were tense. We played games and hung out with Carebear. Then it was off to bed. After laying in the dark for 20 mins Rane got up. She needed some time to sort things out in her head. She fell asleep on the couch until Draco woke her and brought her back to bed. I knew Rane was not ok so I sent her into the shower to talk to Draco. They came out of the shower and were still talking so I left them alone. About 30 mins later they both called for me. Rane was unsure if she wanted to continue with Draco or just give up. Draco is only 25 year old and this is his first real serious relationship. Due to his past there are things that he didnít get to learn but he is a fast learner so I have faith in him. I again played the moderator and worked it out. Rane talked about how she was still anger from the other day and Draco wants to work it out. He knows he can change. He told me that out of everyone in the relationship I am the one that has changed the most. And that he is proud of me. That makes my heart swell. There are things I am not ready to deal with yet but I am working on it.

Any ways Dracoís family was having a get together so we dropped off Draco at his dads and Rane went on in to meet him. ( I left like a third wheel) he didnít want me to meet his dad. I was upset for we all talk about how we are all in this together. Yet I was left out. In hind sight I know that Draco wants Rane to meet the people in his life that are important to him. Maybe it was the selfish part of me that wanted to feel included.

Rane and Draco have worked it out and know there are things we all need to work on. And everyone is trying. It is getting better.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:40 AM.