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  #161  
Old 04-20-2011, 11:11 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Well, RP, I'm doing MY part.Everyone where I work at, knows that my wife and I are poly. I asked one woman at work out. Her first response? "I don't do wives". My reply? "No-one said anything about doing my wife! But you might like it if you did. haha. No worries though. If you ever change your mind, we can go do lunch sometime....and I mean lunch...at a restraunt...with food...and ...yeah." LOL It was my failed attempt to let her know I wasn't simply in it for the sex. Oh well....I really don't think I want to date someone from work anyway. What happens when we break up? Things at work become strained and really weird. I already did something similar...it sucked.

Anyway, enough of my stories. Needless to say, I'm doing my part.
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  #162  
Old 06-11-2011, 08:39 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm staying with a friend of almost 15 years and she doesn't know I'm poly. It's very weird because we never really talk about relationships. She knows I was with Seamus before I left Raga, I think, but she never really asked or wondered. I know she doesn't think I cheated on Raga, but she probably thought the relationship was already over or something.

I don't know if I should actively tell her about it. It's hard to bring up because we don't talk about relationships. She knows I'm separated with Raga because that's the reason why I needed a place to stay. She knows I'm with Seamus because I talk to him on Skype. That's pretty much it, she never asked anything about the breakup or separation with Raga or what went wrong or anything, she never asked how I met Seamus or checked the exact date, she just knows when I left Canada I spent 3 months in the US before going to France and living with her.

I do want her to know I'm poly, but I don't really know how to. I don't think blurting it out out of context would make much sense. And I don't even know most of the vocabulary in French anyways to explain things to her. (Well that much isn't a big deal, I can check easily).
I'm also not actively looking for someone, or being out enough that it would come up, for instance if she saw me flirting and ask "what about Seamus?" then I could explain, but that's unlikely to ever happen so...

At that point, is it better to just wait, not actively hide it, and say it if it comes up? Or should I try and go out of my way to let her know?

To give an example, I know she's bisexual, but we never actively talked about it. I told her one of our friends was bisexual (she wrote me an email while we were staying together between 5 and 10 years ago, coming out to me and asking me to tell S, my roommate) and S's answer was "ah, her too" and it's hard to explain but it was obvious it meant she was as well, and that was that, we didn't talk more about it.
Then there was a comment in 2004 or 2005 or so when a guy said he could detect non-straight people (saying he had a gaydar or something I guess) and she said to me "I wanted to clear my throat and say 'I'm right here'", but you know, it's something we never talk about because it's like, okay, so what?

I figure my being poly might be along the same lines, so I don't want to make a big deal out of it by coming out instead of just implying it, but it's a bit hard to imply it in normal conversation I guess. And she's a very good friend of mine so I don't want to hide it from her either.
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  #163  
Old 06-11-2011, 10:55 PM
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You're not really hiding anything if it just doesn't ever come up.
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  #164  
Old 06-12-2011, 12:04 AM
Charlie Charlie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I really think that the change that I desire to see in the world around acceptance of poly is going to come from people coming out and feeling more capable and confident in talking about poly from the perspective of an alternative to Monogamy; not a replacement, but an alternative, not as a means to get more sex, but a way to create more belonging, love and deeper ties to chosen family.
Nicely articulated. I have more recently had cause to disclose to more people the nature of my relationship with Catfish and Rarechild and the more often I find "socially natural" opportunities to do this, the more confident I become in my ability to express it as matter-of-factly as I feel it. Few people ever get criticized for loving their family.
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  #165  
Old 06-12-2011, 01:12 AM
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My philosophy mentor and friend (nothing to take lightly!) once said to me, wisely, "Love is revolutionary".

I want to say, "You better believe it!" Those are only three words: Love is revolutionary.

Now, ... Viva!
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  #166  
Old 06-21-2011, 02:11 PM
Seiyoku Seiyoku is offline
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Default Co-habitation, poly marriage, coming out - oh my!

I'm new to this forum, but I've been trying to read through some discussion posts that all dealt with these things and such.

My husband and I are fairly "new" to polyamory/polyfidelity. I had a hard time throughout my early adult years trying to figure out what was "missing" in my life.
I thought swinging was all I needed, but I didn't want just random casual sex. I thought having a BDSM relationship was what I needed...although enjoyable, it wasn't my choice of life.

I started trying to have another serious relationship on the side as a part of a quad, but the drama was too intense and the other couple had too many issues to deal with and we broke it off.

After that, I tried dating single lesbians, although that didn't work either. Tried dating another male, and that was a bust as well.

I met my current girlfriend and things changed. She was what I wanted. I love her, her family, everything. Her parents already know she's not monogamous, they've known for years. Her sisters, friends, co-workers, etc all know.

Only people who know on my side is my sister and a handful of friends.

I feel horrible for not "outing" our amazing quad family. However, I'm not sure how my family (friends aren't my issue, they can take it or leave it, not my problem) will take it.
In reality, it's not my family I'm too worried about. I'm sure there will be some frowns of disapproval....but who I'm worried about is my husband.
His parents aren't exactly....the approving of alternative lifestyle types. They already aren't that into me (And we've been together 9 years!). His family is small and not as tight as mine. I don't want his family excommunicating him for it.

How can we go about letting people know?



Next two are kind of a merged topic.....

I want to marry her.

I want to have a home with my family and her family. I want all of us together.

It's been 3 long years and we're so happy. Her husband actually pulled me aside a couple of weekends ago to tell me that he's never seen her this happy before.
It just works.

They live about 2 hours from us.

They have jobs in their area, my husband and I have jobs here.

I don't know how to make it all work. I feel as if it's just all going to crumble apart and I don't want that. We're all very happy with eachother. We just all want to be closer, and it doesn't seem as if that's going to work at all because of family and finances (jobs).

I feel a little bit nervous for asking her the "big question" and I also feel nervous asking her if she wants to live with us. Ugh!

Sorry for this being so long...
I haven't gotten this out and I just needed to talk to people in similar situations about this stuff...

Please help me ease my mind and worries.

Thank you, in advance.
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  #167  
Old 06-21-2011, 02:43 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
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  #168  
Old 06-21-2011, 03:04 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
That`s what I was going to type.


As for the OP,..you have your ultimate dream, be happy. Enjoy it. Don`t try to control the destination of that dream. There are lots of ways to live happily, if the relationship itself is happy.
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  #169  
Old 06-21-2011, 03:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
That`s what I was going to type.
Is anyone counting these?
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  #170  
Old 06-21-2011, 11:17 PM
elspru elspru is offline
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Quote:
Co-habitation, poly marriage, coming out - oh my!

I don't know how to make it all work.
simply spell out the ideal scenario.
let it magically appear.

Quote:
I don't want his family excommunicating him for it.

How can we go about letting people know?
also could use pre-empting,
also known as warming them up to an idea.
To his family things like
"you probably like having long-term relationships with many people."
Can note how they have friends they've known and partied with for years.


Quote:
They have jobs in their area, my husband and I have jobs here.
In terms of finances and moving in together,
I'd recommend a nature setting, with high level of self-sufficiency.
Though due to America's war on their own people, a more portable solution may be advisable.
Some polyamor's use RV's and travel from place to place.
It might also be quite doable with sailing boats.

You'd be surprised how little money you really need,
can give people boat rides or farm workshops.

Quote:
I feel a little bit nervous for asking her the "big question" and I also feel nervous asking her if she wants to live with us. Ugh!
Oh and in terms of how to ask them about it,
I'd recommend setting yourself up as an "intentional community".
There are successful polyamorus intentional communities like Twin Oaks.
Twin Oaks is highly organized and scheduled to make sure things get done,
they share cars, tools, and export products made in the community.

With an intentional community,
you could have a sets of values,
written agreements of preference,
can vote on various common issues.

So really it would be best to let everyone part-take in the decision making process,
such as what setting you'd like to live in, how you'd like to get your food and products etc.

Last edited by elspru; 06-21-2011 at 11:35 PM.
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