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Old 10-12-2009, 09:55 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default I screwed up big time

All of my insecurites came to a head last week and I read personal conversations between my husband and our girlfriend. I violated their trust and betrayed them both.

She figured it out and confronted me, b ut had already decided she wasn't mad - as long as I admitted what I'd done. I did admit it when confronted.

She told me she wouldn't tell my husband, but she knew I would. I had to. I almost told them both last w

I thought about telling them both last week, but I'd already realized what a rat I'd been and wasn't gonna do it again... and I realized nothing good would come from telling them except easing my own guilt.

Well, now he's not even speaking to me. I have struggled a lot with insecurity issues recently, and particularly because I feel like the main relationship - the triad - is slowing dying. I am not capable of handling this poly thing if that main relationship becomes platonic. We haven't all had sex together in over a month, but we have all had sex with each other independently. We've barely been able to spend any time together because our gf got a shitty new work schedule, and worse, she's been sleeping through what time we DO have because she's dealing with a lot of stress and depression and feels awful and inferior.

She is not mad at me. She's hurt and surprised and feels like I violated her privacy - which I did - but she also understands what motivated it, and she says everyone makes mistakes.

My husband is a major trust fanatic. He will not even speak to me right now, not that I blame him... and he's really upset over all of this. I am not sure I will EVER get his trust back, and I know what I did was unforgivable.

I'm so afraid of losing them both, but then I go and do something unbelievably stupd to make it seem like maybe I don't deserve them. Something, that frankly, puts me more at risk of losing them both.

*sigh*

I KNOW how wrong and stupid this was. It's also incredibly uncharacteristic of me.

I hate myself right now. I really just do.
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