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Old 10-12-2009, 07:27 PM
Gem Gem is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
Default Lengthy Introduction

Hey there everyone!

I just wanted to finally introduce myself and maybe get some feedback from y’all.

Well, to begin with, I’m Tech’s wife (he started posting a couple weeks ago). We’ve been married ten years (and together for 14 years). Obviously we’re new to this lifestyle, even though I’ve always felt capable of loving more than one person at a time. I just never thought I’d act on it (the result of a strong Christian upbringing) or, truth be told, have the opportunity to act on it.

In the last few months I have realized just how “conditioned” or “programmed” I’ve felt all my life. I feel like “society” sets the rules and we are programmed (raised) to follow these rules, even if we don’t really believe in them (and we’re rarely encouraged to really think for ourselves and figure out what works for us, personally. We’re just expected to follow the status quo.). It’s difficult for me to break away from the norm, as I’m the youngest child and was never really encouraged (or, more realistically, allowed) to think for myself. But I’m working on breaking out of the mold that has been made for me, finding myself, and discovering who I really am and what I really believe.

Well, this year has been quite a challenge for me (and Tech). I ended up falling in love a couple times (while being completely honest about my marital status, of course). (Note, I wasn’t really LOOKING to fall in love…I was just being me, flirting, having fun, etc. And I admit, I DO tend to fall in love pretty easily.) Well, after a couple months, each of these guys ended up hurting me pretty badly. So, I decided to simply resist falling in love after that (I had been burned, so I figured refusing to let myself fall in love would be easy enough…my heart simply wasn’t in it…I didn’t want any more pain or heartbreak). And that’s when I met a guy who quickly became a really great friend and helped me get through the pain I was experiencing. (For the purpose of this Intro, I’ll call him Honey Bear, or HB for short.) And I honestly never thought anything would develop between us other than friendship. Then we fell in love.

He’s a lot like my husband in so many ways. He’s so loving, caring, open, and sincere. And he and I are EVEN MORE alike. And yet, there are enough differences that we all have fun learning about each other. I honestly feel like the three of us are all cut from the same cloth…just slightly different patterns. And I LOVE it. It’s great having the comfort of being alike in so many ways, and still being able to appreciate our many differences.

The best part is that HB really wants to have a deep relationship (friendship) with my husband too. And they get along really well and are able to openly communicate with each other and express their needs, as well as relinquish time with me when the other needs to spend time with me. They are both really amazing at that. It’s not even an issue most of the time. I admit that I do still struggle a bit with balancing time distribution, but I’m hoping that resolves itself if/when we all live closer together and after we get the opportunity to really spend some real time together on a regular basis (you know, after the NRE wears off…and it will be such a blessing when that finally happens…Tech is quite frustrated with the intensity of the physical attraction between HB and me. I think a lot of that comes from the NRE and the simple fact that we hardly get to see each other).

HB and I have only known each other a few months (talking almost every single night and emailing each other nonstop throughout the entire day), and we have spent a couple weekends together (the three of us), with a few more planned in the coming weeks, but it feels like we’ve known each other for YEARS. There’s just that inherent connection (I felt it when I met/dated my husband too). It just feels “right.”

Unfortunately, I keep having doubts about how this can work. I love them both so very much, and really don’t want to imagine my life without either of them. But there are so many things I’m concerned about:

1. There’s such a stigma about having multiple partners (morally wrong, etc.). I think deep down I fear being judged by others.

2. I am worried about the legality of it, both as a lifestyle and from the angle of finances, assets, etc. (I want everything to be fair for everyone, but don’t see how that’s possible.)

3. There’s NO WAY our families are going to accept this (I know…why do I care? Well, because we’re pretty close to our families, for the most part.). (Actually, HB has been talking to his friends about it and they are all very supportive. His brother, who was against it in the beginning, just told him a day or two ago that he’s okay with it now. The positive reinforcement is most definitely helpful. But due to generational differences [as well as religious conviction], none of us really believe our parents will be able to accept this, no matter what we say or do, or how we feel.)

4. I worry about Tech too. I know this is new for him (heck, it’s new for all of us), and it’s a difficult adjustment to make. I think I’m just worried that he won’t be able to make that adjustment, despite his best efforts.

I think right now I just need to know if this can really work. I mean, is it POSSIBLE? Or are all of our lives going to be turned upside down and essentially in ruins in the end (primarily due to the “rules” of the society we live in)? I feel like so much is against us...and it gets discouraging.

What’s funny is that things are great between the three of us when HB is here with us…but the minute he’s away, both Tech and I tend to get “fussy” about everything. When we’re apart, all I can think about is how this can’t work. But the minute he’s right in front of me, all doubts disappear (and I mean ALL doubts). Tech’s mind is at perfect ease as long as HB is around. It’s when he isn’t around that Tech gets paranoid and jealous. (But, many times all it takes is a good lengthy talk between us [and a few tears shed] and we’re okay with it all again.) And I have no idea WHY my mind tries to convince myself that it can’t work. I think maybe I’m just trying to protect myself from getting hurt. But losing either of these guys would hurt me worse than anything.

So anyway, I’ll end this so you guys & gals can respond if you see fit. It’s great to finally have some people to talk to who understand and might be able to provide some insight. Thanks so much!
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