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  #21  
Old 06-09-2011, 08:45 AM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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Yeah, I'm grateful for the 90%. I fully realize that that level of interest in one another's healing and well-being is fantastically rare. That's most likely why we were able to re-calibrate back to friends as easily as we did.


No "breakup" is perfect. You're basically dealing with at least one party that wants things to continue and at least one party who no longer consents. I commend those of you in triad and larger who are dealing with a party who no longer consents to one of the spice and two or more who still do. This can get waaay more complex, I'm sure.

I'm also gaining confidence in my own capacity to handle it if/when I get into one of those difficult situations.
So much gratitude...
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"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me

Last edited by stargazer23; 06-09-2011 at 08:47 AM.
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  #22  
Old 06-16-2011, 11:00 PM
Lucinda Lucinda is offline
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This is something I'm trying to work out as well. I don't even know where to start with breaking up with somebody. In my previous break up, I did it at a coffee shop. It wasn't a very deep relationship. I really don't know how to go about telling a more deeply involved lover that things are over. Should it be at my place or her place? Both of those options seem awful. Someplace neutral? Wherever it is, if I ask to meet, she's going to be excited with the expectation of spending quality time together, and will probably be crushed when I tell her the truth. Plus, if it's a public place, she's going to feel stifled as to how to handle her emotions.

Email and phone are obviously too impersonal. Sometimes I wonder if a hand written letter would be better than an in person discussion. It would give the person a chance to proccess their most difficult emotions in private.
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  #23  
Old 06-20-2011, 07:54 AM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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Post-post-script:

This whole thing turned bad. We basically had a conversation wherein he "mission creeped" the original cause of the breakup into something involving perceived manipulation on my part.

I have never, ever done anything to warrant this. He is clearly making mountains out of non-existent molehills, puts me in the defensive role over them and when I try to clarify/explain, has decided that it doesn't matter what I say, as far as he's concerned, my intent was to manipulate.

The original cause of the breakup: I asked to negotiate primary status and admitted to love for him. He said he was protecting me from heartbreak by ending intimacy with me.

What the situation has morphed into: 1. I (according to him) imposed an ultimatum in the first place (in honesty: I did recoil in pain when he said "no" to primary and was ready at first to end the relationship but after taking a couple hours to consider it calmly, I chilled out and was happy to work it out). And 2. the next day, I said something he took entirely the wrong way. I worded it very poorly and without clarification, I can agree that it probably sounded pretty awful. I basically gave him the impression that I was stating that seeing him was the only thing keeping me from becoming unhinged.

Any attempt at clarification has failed. He simply will not see my side and stubbornly insists that's what I was trying to do.

I am starting to believe there's some motive for his believing this but I don't know what it could be. It's just ridiculous: in 4 years, I've never given any reason for him to doubt my credibility, nor have I failed to admit a wrong or be accountable for a mistake. Now I'm a manipulator and a liar? I don't understand.

I know my heart and I know my intent and it's not fair that I've been tried, convicted and dismissed. He never asked what I meant before making this judgment call, he simply told me that he's very adept at recognizing manipulation because he's been trained in spotting it (in a fashion) and that this is just plain what I did. Period.

I can't imagine why someone would cling so firmly to this unless there was some personal reason. And the craziest part is that I've met many of his prior S/Os and many of them are not as straightforward, candid, rational and willing to compromise as I have been.

Maybe I'm supposed to see that I've been jettisoned as both lover and friend and when I didn't make that easy by being a bitch and giving him a reason to dismiss me, he had to make one up?

Or maybe I really am nuts.

Either way, I don't understand why someone who insists I tried to manipulate them would still want to be my friend. It makes no sense: "You're a sneaky, self-serving person who tries to get what she wants by using underhanded tactics...but we can still be pals?" Really?
__________________
"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me

Last edited by stargazer23; 06-20-2011 at 08:03 AM.
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  #24  
Old 06-20-2011, 04:08 PM
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I'm sorry that this is happening. Break ups are awful, especially when they get messy like that. Mine became a situation where he simply could not see reason (or my point of view) and I just had to stop negotiating because I was getting my heart ripped out over and over and over. I felt like he was being very manipulative. If some one cannot break up well with you, it's wise to question how that will bode for your friendship. Either way, it sounds like you guys might need some space first.
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