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  #41  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Once again, the assumption that there's shame and fear involved. That's really pathetic.
It reminds me of when someone sees a bunch of people of [whatever race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, etc.] gathered together somewhere and assumes they are excluding, oppressing, or marginalizing everyone else.
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  #42  
Old 06-19-2011, 05:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I dont know about the whole gossip worry. Is it because you're afraid the partner of a lover, feeling spurned, will "out" you to people you'd rather not know?

As far as sexual "secrets" or discretion, don't others here either consciously or unconsciously share new sexual practices with the first partner, that you've learned with partner 2 or 3? At least sometimes? I know I do. Wouldn't this be a way to non-verbally share so-called private things you've done with others?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #43  
Old 06-19-2011, 06:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
As far as sexual "secrets" or discretion, don't others here either consciously or unconsciously share new sexual practices with the first partner, that you've learned with partner 2 or 3? At least sometimes? I know I do. Wouldn't this be a way to non-verbally share so-called private things you've done with others?
Incorporating new things into your sexual repertoire is a bit different than requiring your partner to report back to you every little thing and/or get your permission with the things you do with your other partner(s), whether the other partner(s) are comfortable with it or not.
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  #44  
Old 06-19-2011, 06:48 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Incorporating new things into your sexual repertoire is a bit different than requiring your partner to report back to you every little thing...
Oh, I am not talking about a "requirement." My gf and I were talking about this last night though. While we dont require or demand to know every detail, we both feel more comfortable and less jealous if we know the general gist of most dates. I think it's like meeting a metamour, she or he usually seems less threatening in person. And information about what really happened on a date is less threatening than just not knowing and imagining it's all so much better with the other lover than it is with oneself.

Also, say I am going to meet up with J. Afteward, I tell my gf, "J is into XYZ." Then she might suggest I trying doing this or that with him as well, if it seems similar to something she has done with a person with that fetish. Then I can be a more creative knowledegable partner to J.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-19-2011 at 06:51 PM.
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  #45  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:31 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Oh, I am not talking about a "requirement."
OK. But I said "requirement" because that is what was in the original post of this thread.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

Also, say I am going to meet up with J. Afteward, I tell my gf, "J is into XYZ." Then she might suggest I trying doing this or that with him as well, if it seems similar to something she has done with a person with that fetish. Then I can be a more creative knowledegable partner to J.
Indeed, yes I have that going on right now myself. I am somehow making it work without saying to A, "B is into XYZ.. Let me tell you about all the times B and I did XYZ, and how long it took, and how many times I came."

Instead, I might say to A, "Being with B has opened my mind to some new things that I didn't think I was into before. I might want to try some of those things with you, what do you think?"

(You know exactly what I am talking about, don't you? LOL We'll have to catch up soon.)

This gets the job done without all the TMI. Of course it's different if the people involved are not adverse to a modicum of sharing. I do not have a "100% privacy" agreement in my relationships, but I don't want them to know everything I do with the other, and neither do they.
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  #46  
Old 06-19-2011, 09:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I thought of one more thing:

my choice(s) "to share or not to share" are based on respect for my partners and my decision to treat others as I would like to be treated, not on a "rule" I have with anyone.

As I have said elsewhere, this does not HAVE to be complicated.
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  #47  
Old 06-19-2011, 11:33 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Once again, the assumption that there's shame and fear involved. That's really pathetic.

Your constant pushing of your agenda makes any substantial discussion with you impossible, as there's obviously no place for anybody else's experience and understanding in your world. It would make things so much easier if you'd just state your agenda up front so folks can then know to not bother trying to have a reasonable discussion.
I could just as easily say that you're being defensive because you're in denial. The truth is that I don't know whether you are or not but I think it is important to avoid denying that there is a culture of sexual shame that prompts secrecy and fear of being outed. What is it that you are saying my agenda is exactly. Because I won't just unquestioningly accept that sexual privacy/secrecy has nothing to do with shame or fear at any level, I'm pursuing an agenda?
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  #48  
Old 06-20-2011, 02:23 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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Since when did privacy become synonymous with secrecy?

It seems a little exploitative to say that this girlfriend, the secondary, should sacrafice her own sense of comfort, her boundaries and privacy just for the "intimacy" of a relationship she isn't even involved in. Why is the OPs need for detail and the security she finds in discussing the sex life of her husband and his Gf more valid or important than the gfs desire for some discretion?

There is nothing wrong with sharing intimate details of your sex life or asking questions of others...but there is also nothing wrong with NOT asking or telling. It really is preference. No one should be judged based on their preference.

I personally wouldn't want a partner to share information or details of my sex life and I am not the least bit ashamed. I am a classy girl...and I don't fuck people so that someone else can enjoy the story later. Also, it takes away the intimacy...might as well tape it.
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  #49  
Old 06-20-2011, 03:31 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Since when did privacy become synonymous with secrecy?

It seems a little exploitative to say that this girlfriend, the secondary, should sacrafice her own sense of comfort, her boundaries and privacy just for the "intimacy" of a relationship she isn't even involved in. Why is the OPs need for detail and the security she finds in discussing the sex life of her husband and his Gf more valid or important than the gfs desire for some discretion?

There is nothing wrong with sharing intimate details of your sex life or asking questions of others...but there is also nothing wrong with NOT asking or telling. It really is preference. No one should be judged based on their preference.

I personally wouldn't want a partner to share information or details of my sex life and I am not the least bit ashamed. I am a classy girl...and I don't fuck people so that someone else can enjoy the story later. Also, it takes away the intimacy...might as well tape it.
I think it would be interesting to just break it down to figuring out what the various issues are either way, openness or privacy. There's been a lot of assumptions and accusations in this thread, my own included. I'm mainly thinking about it from my own perspective, since I would enjoy having the freedom to openly talk about past experiences with a new partner. I would assume, of course, that the new partner wouldn't be using the knowledge to harm the person I was talking about. If I thought that would happen, I would talk about the past experience with reference to an anonymous 'friend of a friend.' I just know that I would feel like I'm over-dominating if I would tell an ex not to ever talk about anything we ever did with anyone else. I would expect her to take responsibility for it, though, if someone she discussed me with would use the information against me. It's no fun to be upset that everyone's gossiping about your fetishes and all your ex can say is "oh sorry" with a little giggle of indifference and enjoyment of your humiliation (after all you are their ex).
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  #50  
Old 06-20-2011, 07:18 AM
Lucinda Lucinda is offline
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I see both sides of this. When a lover of tells me information of his sex life outside of me, I feel close to him. I feel an emotional intimacy between us. However, I do feel a little scared and vulnerable at the thought that somebody who is not directly my sexual partner would know what my lovemaking is like.

I enjoy a middle ground. My lovers and I do respect the privacy of sex, and we don't talk about details. But we do share general information. So I might say to Fred: "Ted and I tried using costumes in the bedroom, and I was aroused when wearing a pirate outfit." I can give Fred information about me, and how I reacted sexually to the situation. This increases our intimacy, and helps him know me better. But I don't have to go into detail about Ted's sexual response to the activity. That is Ted's information to share if he wants to.

Ted may tell me that he enjoys sex during thunderstorms. He can tell me that he had sex with Jennifer during the last storm. He doesn't have to describe the sound of her moans her orgasm face to me. That would be too personal because Jennifer and I don't have the relationship where we'd discuss that with each other.
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