Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-18-2011, 03:07 AM
Paradigm85 Paradigm85 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 2
Default New to Poly, Need some advice so we can all continue loving each other

I am new to polyamory and have been struggling with a number of issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Although I only recently really realized it, I have always been attracted to both women and men, although in the past I always felt I was much more strongly attracted to men (of course, this has changed too).
My dear friend and coworker, who has been the closest friend of my life, started expressing an attraction towards me some time ago. My boyfriend, or course, noticed this and expressed interest in all of us being together. I always though he was coming from a place of sexual intent but the more time we all spent together, the more I realized he loved her as I was beginning to. I had avoided giving in to my want for her because our friendship is so important to me. However, I realized that we meant to much to each other - all of us - that no matter what, she would be an essential person in my life and vice versa.
A mere 3 months ago, Nicole moved in prior to the poly arrangement, out of a financial need. One night the tension broke and e all slept together. Soon thereafter our relationship became exclusive and we all became happier and truer versions of ourselves. We all realized that this was the right thing for us.
However, there have been a few issues, most of which I have tried to keep private from my lovers. Of course, the sex is amazing yet also difficult for me. Neither of the my lovers have major insecurities and I suppose I do, which is at the core of these issues. In the beginning of our relationship I had set some boundaries, primarily because I was uncomfortable with my boyfriend penetrating my girlfriend. I made it clear that this would be temporary, and I kept my promise. However, as much as I want to be comfortable with them having sex and enjoying it, it is so very difficult for me to see. It hurts me in a way that I can't explain but I don't want it to. I am hoping this is something that will change... that at some point it will become something I am comfortable with, and in support of. But I don't know how to start that process.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I love both of them and want us all to be comfortable and happy.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:14 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

I would suggest branching off and starting having sex alone with each other. There is no need to always be around when sex happens. Let them have their time and you have your time also with each of them. If its uncomfortable, don't watch.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-18-2011, 02:07 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi Paradigm,

Well, I might start with asking myself what associations I have with "penetration" ?

"Sex" is a broad term and involves a whole variety of things. You seem to be at least trying to convince yourself you are comfortable with all of you having "sex".

But are you truly there yet ?

GS
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:32 AM
Paradigm85 Paradigm85 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 2
Default

I suppose my associations have to do with my own romantic past as well as my insecurities regarding my body (my girlfriend is a dance teacher and has a body that shows it). Before meeting my boyfriend, I had never had sex with a man that I loved. Sharing that with someone is a struggle. A worthwhile struggle, however, because we all love each other so much and want to be together.

I don't truly understand it. But I do know that I have no discomfort, jealousy or insecurity seeing their affection other then that particular act. And I don't want to feel that way. I want to do whatever I can to ease my concerns so we can all be comfortable and happy.

So am I truly there yet? Certainly not. But I want to be because I know this is the right path for the three of us. And I just want to find a way to be happy they are enjoying each other when they or we have sex.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-19-2011, 12:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paradigm85 View Post
I suppose my associations have to do with my own romantic past as well as my insecurities regarding my body (my girlfriend is a dance teacher and has a body that shows it). Before meeting my boyfriend, I had never had sex with a man that I loved. Sharing that with someone is a struggle. A worthwhile struggle, however, because we all love each other so much and want to be together.

I don't truly understand it. But I do know that I have no discomfort, jealousy or insecurity seeing their affection other then that particular act. And I don't want to feel that way. I want to do whatever I can to ease my concerns so we can all be comfortable and happy.

So am I truly there yet? Certainly not. But I want to be because I know this is the right path for the three of us. And I just want to find a way to be happy they are enjoying each other when they or we have sex.
Let's see if I'm understanding you right here...........
It seems you have this picture.........

Sex for sex sake = just sex = OK
Love = noble = OK
Sex PLUS love together = 'something else' = not sure about this 'new' thing'

Maybe one thing that might help is getting clear that what he & she experience together when sex is involved is NOT the same as what you and he experience - nor is it the same as what you and she experience. And as it should be - there's truly no 'competition' here - no 'zero sum exercise' as some say. You aren't dividing or sharing anything - you're all creating & experiencing something new & different. Cause for celebration.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-19-2011, 04:09 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paradigm85 View Post
I am new to polyamory and have been struggling with a number of issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Although I only recently really realized it, I have always been attracted to both women and men, although in the past I always felt I was much more strongly attracted to men (of course, this has changed too).
My dear friend and coworker, who has been the closest friend of my life, started expressing an attraction towards me some time ago. My boyfriend, or course, noticed this and expressed interest in all of us being together. I always though he was coming from a place of sexual intent but the more time we all spent together, the more I realized he loved her as I was beginning to. I had avoided giving in to my want for her because our friendship is so important to me. However, I realized that we meant to much to each other - all of us - that no matter what, she would be an essential person in my life and vice versa.
A mere 3 months ago, Nicole moved in prior to the poly arrangement, out of a financial need. One night the tension broke and e all slept together. Soon thereafter our relationship became exclusive and we all became happier and truer versions of ourselves. We all realized that this was the right thing for us.
However, there have been a few issues, most of which I have tried to keep private from my lovers. Of course, the sex is amazing yet also difficult for me. Neither of the my lovers have major insecurities and I suppose I do, which is at the core of these issues. In the beginning of our relationship I had set some boundaries, primarily because I was uncomfortable with my boyfriend penetrating my girlfriend. I made it clear that this would be temporary, and I kept my promise. However, as much as I want to be comfortable with them having sex and enjoying it, it is so very difficult for me to see. It hurts me in a way that I can't explain but I don't want it to. I am hoping this is something that will change... that at some point it will become something I am comfortable with, and in support of. But I don't know how to start that process.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I love both of them and want us all to be comfortable and happy.

I recently ran into a somewhat similar situation. Though I don't have the time invested in the relationship that you and your boyfriend do, I was recently placed in a situation where I had to witness my guy penetrating his OSO in front of me, and it shattered me.

I too am new to the whole poly thing and didn't have the courage at the time to tell him that the threesome thing was too much too fast for fear of losing him. Well after a meltdown and a few days apart, I was able to have an open conversation with him about my boundaries and we determined that that situation was a no go, and would probably be a no go from now on.

As other posters will tell you, poly doesn't necessarily mean that you all have to sleep together or engage in group sex.

Talk to your BF about how you feel. In my situation, we agreed that he would never put me or the other woman in that situation again (i.e. fulfill his fantasy) and that we were all ok with being aware of each other and each woman having sex with alone, but not in a group (although I am not opposed to having a little fun with girls that he's not emotionally attached to).

One thing that I have learned is that communication is CRITICAL in poly situations.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:40 PM.