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  #11  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:16 PM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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That's the quickest I've ever seen anyone go from "How do I make this work?" to "yeah, I should get out" in this kind of situation. You're right, you're not an idiot.

As for feeling guilty about it, I understand. I've been manipulated with guilt many times, and it took a long time to break free of it. I still occasionally feel guilty about things I shouldn't. It's difficult. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, but telling you that doesn't help.

Which is worse: Ending this relationship, feeling guilty for a little bit, but eventually being happy you got out of it, or staying in the relationship and feeling miserable indefinitely? Either way you're going to feel bad, but you might as well make it temporary.

Also, I'm almost certain all the "my therapist said..." things were complete bullshit he made up to add credibility to his manipulation. There are bad therapists, but they're usually less obvious about it.
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  #12  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:35 PM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xared View Post
That's the quickest I've ever seen anyone go from "How do I make this work?" to "yeah, I should get out" in this kind of situation. You're right, you're not an idiot.

As for feeling guilty about it, I understand. I've been manipulated with guilt many times, and it took a long time to break free of it. I still occasionally feel guilty about things I shouldn't. It's difficult. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, but telling you that doesn't help.

Which is worse: Ending this relationship, feeling guilty for a little bit, but eventually being happy you got out of it, or staying in the relationship and feeling miserable indefinitely? Either way you're going to feel bad, but you might as well make it temporary.

Also, I'm almost certain all the "my therapist said..." things were complete bullshit he made up to add credibility to his manipulation. There are bad therapists, but they're usually less obvious about it.
Thanks, and yes I agree about the therapist (I suspected that, as he's said things that make me think she wants to date him...strange...yet most people do want to date him from his outward personality around them...I'm cast as crazy).
Usually he will say "I thought you loved me" and "I thought you loved me more than that". Also to the emotional abuse part of it, which he denies is abuse, he says "you provoke me and you know how I am; if you can't take it, don't provoke me".

I guess, I wanted validation too, that the whole situation with his other person is unfair to me (I feel like it is unfair, but he says I don't accept his bisexuality by having a problem with things). I still think the biggest problem about it is the insensitivity and how his other person treated me. There seem to be so many double standards. I wanted someone who understands alternative relationships to say "no, this isn't okay or normal despite what you've heard" because that's how I feel.

I kept waiting for him to change, trying to do things to make the situation better. I'm not perfect and I could have done a lot more I suppose...but I'm so tired. I wish I hadn't ever gotten into this, but how could I have known?
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  #13  
Old 06-18-2011, 07:44 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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First off: if you want out contact a women's shelter. NO men are allowed there AT ALL! The locations are generally little known to any who aren't involved with them. Change your cell number and anything else he knows about that can be traced back to you.

A little story: Breathes (my primary) at one time had an oso. The first time they had sex I was not in a good place. Jealousy came to the fore and a whole host of emotions I didn't know how to deal with came along for the ride. He took the time to listen to me, actually hear what I was saying. He didn't accuse me of being manipulative or anything of the sort. He talked me through it, explained things the way he saw it, helped me to sort through my feelings. He helped me find ways to cope. He changed his date times to times when I was occupied with other things so I wouldn't dwell on what they were doing.

Polyamory is NOT a one way street, it is not 'my way or the highway'! It's an awful lot of give and take, talking and listening, compromising. Your relationship is anything but. I wouldn't classify it as a loving, caring relationship that's for sure.

You may be poly, you may not but right now is not the time to find out. Right now is the time to learn how to like and love yourself again, how to not let others who are like him NOT get to you.

I've got to get ready for my 16 y/o sons birthday party but I will be back on in a few hours.,

HUGS!
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  #14  
Old 06-18-2011, 10:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You're not "allowed" to . . . ???

You are not his possession, and he does not have authority over you. You are allowed to live your life freely and as you choose. WTF? End it. Break up. Walk away. Pack your bags. Go and don't look back. I don't know how many other ways I can say it.
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  #15  
Old 06-19-2011, 02:39 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Merxill View Post
Derbylicious:

Despite all the bad, he is nice to me sometimes,
GOOD people are not nice to you 'sometimes'.

Manipulative, self-absorbed people, are nice to you, when it benefits them.

You have handed over permission of yourself to a manipulative loser. He is NOT going to give it back. Ever. You gave him permission to abuse you, and he has joyfully accepted it. You should be very angry. Very, very angry,....first at yourself, secondly at him, and thirdly at large, so you are angry enough to do something about it.

A few gems that stood out at me :

- you are not 'allowed' to____________.

- He allows others to treat you badly.

- You only have his hearsay on his therapist. Do you REALLY think, it`s the therapist who is fucking shit up ? I`d say the most likely case, is that you are not getting the full story from your lovely boyfriend.

- He is nice, 'sometimes'.




As for being upset over what NEONKHAOS said...... Well, she is being blunt and honest. While it may surprise you, it shouldn't hurt you. Snapping you back into reality is the kindest thing that could happen.
What should hurt you, is what the 'boyfriend' says. He puts you down, is cruel about your weight lose intentions, and seems amazingly awesome at dazzling/baffling you with bullshit.

Play a little game with yourself. Take all the things you told us, (minus your disclaimer about making him look bad, forget that bs.) and imagine if your sister/best friend/mother was dating this guy, and you heard/saw all of this happening.

What would you be telling them ? DTMFA ?
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  #16  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:44 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't apologize for anything I've said (except that I couldn't stomach your entire message so I missed the part about your not being able to have a baby - but that's a GOOD thing because you'd probably have gotten pregnant with this... entity of a boyfriend by now and then there would be an innocent human being involved in this nastiness), and I re-double it after watching the ensuing responses.

No one should disrespect themselves the way you (the Original Poster™) are doing.
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  #17  
Old 06-19-2011, 03:46 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I don't apologize for anything I've said (except that I couldn't stomach your entire message so I missed the part about your not being able to have a baby - but that's a GOOD thing because you'd probably have gotten pregnant with this... entity of a boyfriend by now and then there would be an innocent human being involved in this nastiness), and I re-double it after watching the ensuing responses.

No one should disrespect themselves the way you (the Original Poster™) are doing.

But i FORGOT! We need the BOYFRIEND and the BOYFRIEND's BOYFRIEND here to give THEIR side(s) of this story!
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  #18  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:15 AM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I don't apologize for anything I've said (except that I couldn't stomach your entire message so I missed the part about your not being able to have a baby - but that's a GOOD thing because you'd probably have gotten pregnant with this... entity of a boyfriend by now and then there would be an innocent human being involved in this nastiness), and I re-double it after watching the ensuing responses.

No one should disrespect themselves the way you (the Original Poster™) are doing.
I still do not deserve to be called stupid, especially when I posted for help. I haven't done anything to you, and you voluntarily read (or read parts of) my post. I didn't make you read it or reply to me.

You have hurt me. Please understand that. I do feel unwelcome here because of how you have treated me.

If you've read my replies to the people who have been kind enough to give me genuine replies, you'll see that I'm really not looking for more pain. I feel like I am not welcome on this forum by you. Why do this to me?

Last edited by Merxill; 06-19-2011 at 07:47 AM.
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  #19  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:16 AM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
But i FORGOT! We need the BOYFRIEND and the BOYFRIEND's BOYFRIEND here to give THEIR side(s) of this story!
Why is it so important to make fun of me? I have not done anything to you, Neonkaos.

Last edited by Merxill; 06-19-2011 at 07:48 AM.
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  #20  
Old 06-19-2011, 07:41 AM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
GOOD people are not nice to you 'sometimes'.
Play a little game with yourself. Take all the things you told us, (minus your disclaimer about making him look bad, forget that bs.) and imagine if your sister/best friend/mother was dating this guy, and you heard/saw all of this happening.

What would you be telling them ? DTMFA ?
I would, yes. I would tell them to leave. I know though that it's very hard to leave an abusive relationship. I know that you can want out but feel as though you can't get out, and that there are always, always complications. I don't want to be in this anymore, but I am in the process of getting outside help to get out now. I wanted to give the update on that.

As for the last part of your reply, it's not that I'm upset by bluntness, but rather of mockery and namecalling...it's just...I don't understand why that's going on, on here. I feel very unwelcome, but I am very grateful for the kind replies I have received.
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