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  #31  
Old 06-17-2011, 03:37 AM
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Hi, RP. I keep coming back to this thread 'cause public speaking is an interest of mine and something I enjoy. I wish I could do it more often. Anyway, I think you may be having problems in gathering your speaking points because you possibly still have not narrowed down the nuts and bolts of your topic enough. Fortunately, you still have plenty of time. I know you have given these things before, but it might be helpful to look at it step by step.

First - you said that this is a "Workshop" and that your goal is "to help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them so that they can be sucessful in their relationships." Great - sharing strategies for success!

Helping one group of people cope and understand another group is a very big and rather broad goal. And a workshop by its very nature usually implies participation by all the attendees and some kind of insight or skill gained. Most of the time, people take part in exercises, do quizzes, role-play, etc., in workshops. If what you're really setting out to do is hold a seminar, that would be a bit less intense than a workshop, and basically you'd be giving a speech with Q&A afterward. So... workshop or seminar? And what kind of speech? Informative or persuasive?

When you say, "help poly people who love mono people cope and understand them," it sounds like you see problems that you feel can be addressed. Maybe you should list those problems and come up with what you see are good answers or solutions to them. Are there examples you can point to? It sounds to me like a persuasive speech would be effective because you want to sell your audience on the idea of trying new ways of dealing/seeing/being with monos, etc. If you just want to provide information to your audience, it would be an informative speech, but you would have to be careful to present several sides and not steer them toward one or the other. The important thing is to keep your goal clear - what do you want your audience to do at the end of it? Change a behavior or attitude? Learn a new coping skill?

Then, to keep it simple, you have your Introduction, the Body of your speech with three to five main points, and your Conclusion. Now, if it is a workshop where you will engage people in some kind of activity, you can do it before your Conclusion.

So, here's a good way to plan a speech:
  1. Choose a Topic
  2. Establish your specific purpose (a strategic approach to your topic - what do you want your audience to go away with at the end of it?)
  3. Research for an overview
  4. Brainstorm for your main points [I think these could be where you list the problems or challenges]
  5. Research details to support main points
  6. Create your outline

I know this is all about creating the speech itself, and not about mono or poly, but does this help at all???
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-17-2011 at 03:41 AM.
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  #32  
Old 06-17-2011, 05:48 AM
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Yes, thank you NYCindie. It does help. I follow that way of laying out speeches and topics for discussion, but I think you are right in that I need to figure out what I hope people will walk away with afterward.

Last year it was all about giving some coping strategies that have worked for us and discussing other peoples experiences. This year I don't know if we should stick to that. I guess we will have to all sit down and figure that out.

It is suppose to involve PN also and really it hasn't been his journey so much this past year. Last year we were more about adjusting to Mono's request that we be more poly-fi and ending the free love tangent we were on... now we are more about living day by day family life.

There is not so much emphasis for PN in terms of poly/mono stuff. Its more between Mono and I... especially with the whole Leo thing going on as a new love in my life. PN has been kinda shruggy about all that where as Mono and I have been working on the nuances of that all year almost. Maybe focusing in on what they would find interesting to participate in is a better bet right now as a result. Maybe I'm over thinking again.... IMAGINE THAT!

Thanks Tonberry for your note on sounding negative. I agree. Sometimes it helps to just spit things out and figure out the positive spin on things after. Thanks for helping me do that.

I have been wondering how much poly/mono success comes with age and stage also. I wonder if success (I'm not sure I like that word as no relationship is successful necessarily, functional maybe?) comes from having done some monogamous land marks before entering a relationship with someone that is poly.

I suppose some of it also in attitude, personality and self esteem for mono people. I think it might work better if the person who is mono is able to keep their compersion in going when it comes to their partner. Keep jealousy at bay. It could largely depend on personalities and attitude and values in relationships. It is really quite personal to those attempting to make it work I think. But then aren't all poly relationships too?

I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?
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  #33  
Old 06-17-2011, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?
The topic isn't "shit". But I don't wonder how beneficial it will be to our local community. So few of them would even dip their toes is to the murky waters of mono/poly (for good reason lol!). If our audience has people who are struggling with this dynamic right now, then we have lots to share

We definitely know the little things that often get missed when embarking on this type of relationship...because we have lived them. We have also looked at the possible ways to overcome boundaries (whether they were tried or not).

There is a lot of info that can be shared..provided there is an interested audience
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  #34  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:04 AM
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Sometimes it is best to walk away from figuring it out (often that is literal - like, go take a walk), and then come back to it in a day or two and usually fresh ideas will pop into your head.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #35  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I feel as if I am talking myself into thinking that my topic is shit. I don't feel inspired at all on this... it just seems kind of obvious, yet I can't put my finger on it some how. Does that make sense?
Just the fact that you are struggling so hard with this topic and trying to get a handle on it says that it is a good topic of discussion. As I see it, part of the problem is that there is no "one" solution, no "one" way to go about gaining understanding, etc.
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  #36  
Old 06-18-2011, 04:28 PM
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11095

Sage's thread here is helpful for this....must remember it. She is a good source of knowledge from a mono perspective... must remember that too.
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  #37  
Old 06-18-2011, 11:20 PM
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The best thing piece of advice I have heard over poly relationships of any kind was given by Neon Kaos recently (sorry don't ask me where). She said (paraphrasing)"Treat others as you would like to be treated and don't let others treat you any differently"

This is where I am at the moment. Having not had a drink in nearly 6 months I am much more sensitive to pain. The last time Z was away with J I felt pain almost to the same level I did in the very beginning. I thought I had got the whole separation thing down. I have built my life to a point where it stands up really well on its own without him. There were still a few pangs of emotions but generally I was really pleased. Then the skies between NZ and Australia were emptied because of a bloody volcanic ash cloud from Chile. I went to pieces. I suppose it was jealously towards Z that he had arms to hold him through the extended separation and I didn't.

That might sound childish and it was only an extra 36 hours (although it could have been longer) but the pain of it is making me cry right now. I have worked really hard at the whole mono/poly thing, but enough is enough. I would never put him through pain like that and I'm no longer prepared to put myself though it. I know in this case it was something unplanned that was the trigger but the underlying problem is inequity. We are addressing that now.

Can you not survey your community to find out what they want out of this workshop? Maybe it's just curiosity, if as Mono says most of them know better than to get themselves into Mono/poly relationships.

I also agree with Mono that you guys are incredibly unique and your situation probably has more to do with the workings of a tribe than mono/poly. Maybe that is what your workshop should be about?
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  #38  
Old 06-19-2011, 12:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
But I don't wonder how beneficial it will be to our local community. So few of them would even dip their toes is to the murky waters of mono/poly (for good reason lol!). If our audience has people who are struggling with this dynamic right now, then we have lots to share
Doesn't matter if they do or not...or why.
They might have come from former mono/poly relationships that didn't last.
They may get involved in one in the future, even against their usual nature.
They may end up having to council friends or other lovers who end up in this sort of dynamic.

Information is power...and to share your lessons will empower anyone smart enough to pay attention. And they'd be fools not too.
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  #39  
Old 06-19-2011, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
The best thing piece of advice I have heard over poly relationships of any kind was given by Neon Kaos recently (sorry don't ask me where). She said (paraphrasing)"Treat others as you would like to be treated and don't let others treat you any differently"
I think it should probably be ammended as "treat others as they would like to be treated, and make sure they give you the same respect" or something like that, to account for the fact that the way you would like to be treated can be miles from the way they would. And if you treat them the way you'd want to be treated, and they treat you the way they'd want to be treated, you might still make each other miserable.
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  #40  
Old 06-22-2011, 05:12 AM
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thanks, just wanted to acknowledge that I did read the last posts... I will let you know what comes of more discussion and thought.
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