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Old 06-18-2011, 02:15 PM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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My mother knows, me brother knows, and a few of my friends know. My friends that don't know, and most of my family that doesn't know is mostly because it just hasn't come up yet. Some would approve, others not so much, but overall it wouldn't matter and nothing would really change. The only person I'm really concerned about telling is my father. He'd accept it, but not without being a huge pain in the ass.

My dad is the kind of person that has a perception based on the ideal that "there's a way things should be, because that's just simply the way it is." And yes, he's a big fan of Fox News. He's generally fairly tolerant of people that don't fit in this ideal. For example, he doesn't like the idea of homosexuality. However, he doesn't have anything against homosexuals, and he even voted against a gay marriage ban when it came up where he lived at the time. In his mind, it's okay for other people to live their lives as they want, but he doesn't see me as a person. I'm his son, and I should accept his opinions and values as my own without question, simply because "that's the way things should be." He's not actually as controlling as it sounds, he just very judgmental of me, and when I disagree with him, assumes that I'm being naive rather than it being my actual opinion. It's rather annoying.

Polyamory in itself isn't the whole issue. For the most part, that wouldn't be a big deal. It's more about who I'm involved with. Several years ago, I started becoming close with a friend's girlfriend. He was fine with us being friends, but it started getting to a point where I thought it was crossing a line. She said she wanted to leave him for me, and when I wouldn't go along with it, she started telling me lies about how he was physically abusive, and threatened suicide if she ever left him, slowly wearing me down and making me hate him. And, well, I went along with it and started having sex with her behind his back. Of course, I lost my friend over it, and that relationship didn't last long.

My father knows about that situation, and saw it coming before I did. And, of course, told me to stay away from her. I didn't listen because I didn't know I was being manipulated. While my dad knew I was, he didn't explain this to me because of his belief that just telling me to do something should be enough and explaining things to me is beneath him.

Currently, I am involved with the girlfriend of another friend of mine. This time openly and with complete honesty. In fact, he set me up with her. In my father's mind, however, he won't see this situation as being any different from when I did it without consent. Even though my friend set it up, my dad will tell me that it'll still cause tension in our friendship, and in their relationship, and he'll decide for me that it's not worth it, and it'll never work out, blah blah blah.

I'll tell him eventually. I want to give my current arrangement more time to develop. There's a very good chance it'll work out, but there's some difficulty and it's going to take time. I want to make sure it's going to last for a while at least before burdening my father with ideas he's not used to. If my current arrangement doesn't work out, I'll tell him then, because I'm absolutely sure I am polyamorous.
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Old 06-18-2011, 09:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Xared View Post
I'll tell him eventually. I want to give my current arrangement more time to develop. There's a very good chance it'll work out, but there's some difficulty and it's going to take time. I want to make sure it's going to last for a while at least before burdening my father with ideas he's not used to. If my current arrangement doesn't work out, I'll tell him then, because I'm absolutely sure I am polyamorous.
I think this is a key point - waiting until poly relationships feel secure.

People who are new to poly (like myself) or just starting out into a poly arrangement, can let their excitement about it carry them away and then they go tell everyone. Meanwhile, they're still on shaky ground, figuring it all out, and if/when something goes kablooey in their faces, then all these other people who know can wag their fingers and say "I told you so."

I think it's probably best for someone to get their land legs first, and wait until you can answer questions with confidence, security, and conviction before outing oneself.

Of course, there are exceptions. I think people in their early to mid twenties can blabber on about all kinds of scenarios because most older folks will look at that as an experimental stage. That time of life is all about finding out who you are, so the biggest challenge will probably to convince others you are serious when full-on committed relationships develop.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
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Old 06-18-2011, 11:22 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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My 23-year old (who is very cool with it) accidentally told my 28-year old (she kinda thought she knew, but she really didn't). The 28-year old was very mad, and called and told my mom. And my sister.

My mom's main concern is that this is hurting my husband. She thinks I am out of my mind to think he is really ok with this.

She is right, in many ways -- he does struggle. But he loves me enough to let me love 2. I love him immensely for it! So my mom is learning, along with us.

Since the initial shock factor, things have mellowed out quite a bit. No one really talks much about it. I'm relieved. It's really no one's business except my husband and me (and my boyfriend ).
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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Old 06-20-2011, 11:24 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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I'm spared that kind of hard decision by having parents I haven't talked to for years. I'm sorry about your situation though, but from other testimonies it seems that although parents can have a hard time when they first learn, they often come around and accept it when they see it's making you happy.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:10 AM
gleegirl1203 gleegirl1203 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 21

I am so glad I read this thread. My fiance and I have only told a few very close friends and that was only because it really couldn't be helped since we were constantly talking to our boyfriend on the phone around them. Two of them are so open minded it's ridiculous. I thought people were going to think we are freaks. And I'm sure that once more people start finding out there will be some who think that. But after I told one of our mutual friends about it she said, "Of course I don't think you are freaks. As long as you are both happy with what you are doing and you aren't hurting yourself or others, who am I to judge?" That was so amazing.

I have yet to tell my best friend. I'm not sure how she would react to it. But she's also very open-minded. When I told her in high school that I was pretty sure I was in to girls she just shrugged and told me she still loved me

Much like many of the other posters, I have a very close relationship with my mother. I have always been able to tell her anything including my love for women. However, I'm choosing to take the advice of those that are wiser than me and waiting until our relationship with this third person becomes a little more solid and established before bringing it up to her. Not because I think she will judge us or anything, but because even I don't know what's going to happen yet

I sincerely hope everything with your own mother works out.
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Old 11-03-2011, 03:46 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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I told my mother. Her response? Act like I never said anything. She's a peculiar sort.
Bisexual, Hinge of a Vee with a mono boyfriend and poly husband.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:31 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I suspect this is what my mother would do as well.

My dad wouldn't truly understand and would be worried about me but as I'm a daddy's girl, he would accept it as best he could and move on.
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:10 PM
Norithespider Norithespider is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 10

My mom knows, my dad suspects. Most of my extended family knows. My parents are Unitarian hippies, so really as long as I am happy they don't care. My 14 years old cousin did a report on my relationship for her health class, which I thought was pretty badass.
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Old 11-05-2011, 02:47 PM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17

Our girlfriend told her mother first. She was not really accepting of the situation, however, she told her that she still loved her and given time, she would come around to accept it.

My husband's mother does not know the complete story of our relationship. However, I do suspect when she finds out that she will not be very happy. Although, having a sister-in-law who has a same-sex marriage opens the door a little more.

As for me, I was raised a Southern Baptist...i.e., the most hypocritical people in the world. While my love for the female didn't start until later in my life, my husband was wonderful enough to let me explore that side and here we are. My father does not know at all...and it is doubtful that he will ever know, unless someone else tells him. He is one of those devout Southern Baptist who live by the credo, it is this way because it is right. I can respect his feelings. My mother has always been my best friend. There has been very little I have not ever been able to tell her. I have kept this part of my life a secret from her until recently. When I told her, with the help of my girlfriend, she listened, told me she did not agree with it because that is not how I was raised, but that she still loves me.

In the end, I agree with most...you have to do this when you feel ready. There are those in life that will accept your choice and never say anything or act like anything is wrong; on the other hand, there are those that will sit in judgment of you and the choice you make. I do struggle somewhat with my upbringing and the choices I have made, but in the end, I would rather deal with the way things are now than deny who and what I really am...
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Old 11-05-2011, 06:10 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 149

My own 'coming out' with family & friends was mixed, friends being wonderful, family being a big mess. In hindsight, I really don't regret telling the family that now disapproves. I only wish I had better prepared myself for the backlash.

As for advice, here's my two cents. If you have shared difficult news with your family before, sometimes you can use their reaction then to gauge their reaction to poly now. Have you come out as gay, gotten divorced, followed a different faith, revealed anything that they disapproved of? Based on their past reactions, you may be able to prepare yourself.

And as unfair as it may be, you may need to prepare for a strong negative reaction on their part and accept that risk. I was inspired to be honest with the people in my life because I was happy, unashamed, and it just didn't feel right to hide anyone that I loved so much. I expected questions, concern, anger, but I believed that our family dynamic could support that. In my case, that was naive based on my family history.

As a result, I'm estranged from my Dad and that side of my family. My attempts to reach out have been ignored and I continue struggling to let things be for now, hoping he will come around while counting the months that are turning into years.

However, I have also discovered a true family in the form of our friends. They have truly been the most incredible people in our lives and their love and support have been unconditional, I struggle for more words to describe how much they have meant. They are our family.
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