Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-16-2011, 05:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
See? I'm attracted to a different kind/type of woman every day. Some days, I have two or three different types I like. My wife never seems to understand that. She claims to only like men who look or are built very similar to me. There have been oddities, but for the most part, what she points out to me is usually very similar to me.

But ehh...Whatever.
Ya.. I don't have a type.. *shrugs* I have dated the 6'2 blond volley ball player and the 5'1 cute as a button bull dyke.. hahah..
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:41 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
She and I have been together so long, I couldn't bear the loss. Weird....I know.....as I've never really had this feeling before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Cotton Candy consistently reassures me that she's never going anywhere, but I still get worried. Because I can't function w/o her in my life. Literally!
See, it turns out you really would survive if she up and left or Something Unfortunate happened. It would be terribly painful, but it is absolutely not the end of the world or your life.

If you can overcome this view of your relationship, you will find your "separation anxiety" (co-dependence) is greatly reduced.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:51 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 52
Default

I've found that when one of my bf's goes on a date and I feel insecure or lonely, I can usually trace those feelings back to something in my own life that hasn't been running smoothly i.e I haven't worked out in a while, feel fat and or unattractive, haven't been paying my bills, washing the dishes, or working on my career.

When I feel this way and one of my bf's is off with another woman, I usually work on these missing aspects like cleaning up, going for a run, giving myself a pedicure, or talking on the phone with an old friend. Sometimes, as MINXXA said, I just "sit with" those feelings and weather my way through them as a form of meditation
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:56 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 52
Default

...I also find that reading the chapter in The Ethical Slut about jealousy helps. I often read up on polyamory (on here or other places) or listen to Minx's Poly Podcasts when I feel insecure or jealous, because stuff like that reminds me that there are others out there going through the same thing, and also serves to remind me of the things I love about polyamory and is a refresher course on why I chose this way of life in the first place.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:58 PM
Seasnail's Avatar
Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Cotton Candy consistently reassures me that she's never going anywhere, but I still get worried.
Well, I'm an under-3's Early Childhood Educator: essentially someone who deals with a LOT of separation anxiety. I always advise honesty regarding the separation, consistent reassurance, repetition of the separation, and taking time to spend together when re-united. It sounds to me like you're covering that pretty well!

As others have said, discomfort is normal and allowable. It's probably a good thing to sit with it for a bit and figure it out in more depth. For instance, is it fear of being replaced? Is it uncertainty: what to do with yourself while your partner is out? Is it lonliness? Is it all of that and... The answers may or may not be the same for both of you.

I'm also curious if this is something you want to work through. I think it is, because of your original post about time-limits on dates. When I hear you say you can't live without each other, I'm concerned that when life separates you for other reasons than dating, that you aren't able to cope at your optimum level. I imagine you feel this for each other too?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-17-2011, 04:40 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
...I also find that reading the chapter in The Ethical Slut about jealousy helps. I often read up on polyamory (on here or other places) or listen to Minx's Poly Podcasts when I feel insecure or jealous, because stuff like that reminds me that there are others out there going through the same thing, and also serves to remind me of the things I love about polyamory and is a refresher course on why I chose this way of life in the first place.
I like refresher courses as well. Sometimes I need to hear and listen to other people who have lived it longer so that I can remember this is a path I CHOSE, and why. Also, sometimes it helps to have your emotions validated, and possibly get some input on constructive ways to deal with it all.

I've gotten a lot of input lately to just let the feelings come and experience them. Amazingly, they pass quicker when I'm not fighting, kicking and screaming and trying to intellectualize them away. Imagine!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-18-2011, 03:34 AM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post

I'm also curious if this is something you want to work through. I think it is, because of your original post about time-limits on dates. When I hear you say you can't live without each other, I'm concerned that when life separates you for other reasons than dating, that you aren't able to cope at your optimum level. I imagine you feel this for each other too?
Yes, it's something I want to work through. You are right...When life separates us, we operate at greatly diminished levels. I often find myself texting to Cotton Candy during the day. So much so that my boss has taken note. He asked if I have a gf. I told him "Not yet, but I'm working on it!" LOL
__________________
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-18-2011, 02:01 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,623
Default

Co-dependency is a very mono thing. Funny you 2 want to be poly in such a mono sort of way.

My mom was a great woman, full of life. My dad was too dependent on her. When she died, 3 years ago, he gave up on life. He fucking sits in a chair all day long watching news and NASCAR, then hits the bottle at the moment of 4pm like clockwork. Complains he's lonely and the world sucks, when he's got his health and wits, and could be doing so much more than sitting watching TV and doing crosswords all day!

Most of his friends of the same age have stopped inviting him over for dinner, because he never invites them back, or out to a restaurant, his treat. When he does go out to dinner, he drinks way too much too fast, and either nods off at the table or gets all maudlin.

It's too late for him to get a life, but he's 83. You're only 40. Why is your self esteem so low ("she's gonna leave me!" despite all I have read her say here about how she loves you) and why are your self care skills so bad? Is it something from your childhood?

Yeah, my gf gets separation anxiety when I leave her to go to my place for a few days. She gets over it a few minutes after I leave. She never seems to get separation anxiety when I see a lover though. She knows she rocks and that I love her to bits. She trusts that, somehow. Heh, when I have had my young lover D over, when we are done sexin, she'll say, "Awww you both look so glowy," in a maternal sort of way. Then he leaves and I shag her next.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:14 AM.