To Share or Not to Share?

[serialmonogamist]

Hello everyone,

I just registered. This looks like a great forum! I'm really interested in the ethics of various types of sexual/family relationships. It's so good when people take the responsibility to openly discuss polyamory concerns instead of just seeing what they can get away with secretly without any concern for the consequences or anyone else's feelings.

Anyway, in response to this thread I think that it is reasonable to expect one's partner to be free to talk about whatever they're doing with other people with other partners. Of course, it changes things a bit when people are using your openness to spy on you. I think when you openly agree to having multiple partners, you should also feel comfortable talking about each other with each other as long as there is mutual respect. Keeping secrets is usually more painful than the information that is being kept secret, imo.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

Anyway, in response to this thread I think that it is reasonable to expect one's partner to be free to talk about whatever they're doing with other people with other partners. Of course, it changes things a bit when people are using your openness to spy on you. I think when you openly agree to having multiple partners, you should also feel comfortable talking about each other with each other as long as there is mutual respect. Keeping secrets is usually more painful than the information that is being kept secret, imo.

What about consideration for the other person? Not everyone in open relationships believes in full disclosure. In fact, in my case, I prefer some discretion. It makes the relationship feel private. This concept of the primaries having full rights, removes the privacy rights of the secondaries.. At least thats how it feels to me when reading it

Sometimes there is far too much open in an open relationship.

In this case we are talking about sex. Why does my wife need to know how I have sex with other people, or visa versa. There is 0 reason for that to be discussed... UNLESS thats within the confines of the sexual fantasy aspect within non-monogamy.

[nycindie]

How does she touch you?

...like this?

Ooh, how about this?

Am I doing it right?

Mmmmm.... Yeah!

...you like that? Me too.

<whimper>

...and then what does she do?

...Really?

Show me how.

Ahhhhh....

Oh! Wow! <giggle>

...and where are your hands when she does that?

Oooh! I like that.

Oh, yeah...



Let me show you what ___ does to me...

yeah, right there.

Oh, yesssss... that's right. Oh, I like this.

YES!!!

What else does she do for you?...

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

What about consideration for the other person? Not everyone in open relationships believes in full disclosure. In fact, in my case, I prefer some discretion. It makes the relationship feel private. This concept of the primaries having full rights, removes the privacy rights of the secondaries.. At least thats how it feels to me when reading it

Sometimes there is far too much open in an open relationship.

In this case we are talking about sex. Why does my wife need to know how I have sex with other people, or visa versa. There is 0 reason for that to be discussed... UNLESS thats within the confines of the sexual fantasy aspect within non-monogamy.

Well, like with everything else there are private issues that don't beg disclosure. Sure, some people like to announce particularly significant aspects of, say, a bowel movement but not everyone appreciates the information and it may offend as well.

I guess it depends on individuals' preferences but I have too often seen people agree to mutual secrecy out of fear to offend a person they love by expressing honest curiosity. If someone loves you and you love them, why should you see it as a threat if they are curious about private thoughts, feelings, and experiences? Isn't love all about sharing and being able to express things comfortably that can't be expressed otherwise?

I'm not saying that love is lacking if full disclosure on anything and everything isn't sought and welcomed. I just find it interesting to examine why it is that secrecy and shame surround sexuality in so many ways and I think this has much to do with why sexuality has so much negativity and pain connected with it.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

I just find it interesting to examine why it is that secrecy and shame surround sexuality in so many ways and I think this has much to do with why sexuality has so much negativity and pain connected with it.

In case you hadn't noticed, nobody's talking about secrecy and shame or negativity and pain. Folks are speaking of privacy and discretion--and those are quite different.

The only people whose business it is what happens during sex with me are me and whomever I'm having sex with. That's it. Nobody else's business.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

Sure, some people like to announce particularly significant aspects of, say, a bowel movement but not everyone appreciates the information and it may offend as well.

The thing is, your bowel movements are your business only and you have every right to discuss your business with whomever you wish. It has nothing to do with whether or not something "offends" your audience.

f someone loves you and you love them, why should you see it as a threat if they are curious about private thoughts, feelings, and experiences? Isn't love all about sharing and being able to express things comfortably that can't be expressed otherwise?

It isn't about how much the "original" partners share and care for one another. THERE IS ANOTHER PARTNER, and what about THEIR "private thoughts, feelings, and experiences"? Doesn't the "other" partner have a right to be in complete control of THEIR OWN privacy? I fail to see how violation of someone else's privacy demonstrates love between two people "that can't be expressed otherwise". Go back and read that quote very slowly, and see how it makes less and less sense the more times you read it.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Fayerweather

In the end, we worked out an agreement that if they did anything new in bed, that either he would ask her permission before telling me, or that she would tell me herself. Also, I would work on asking her directly about what they were doing (which made me uncomfortable, but I promised I would try.

This sounds like a recipe in a cookbook. I couldn't live that way. I just don't think that talking or not talking should be a requirement. Go with what feels right in the moment, communicate what needs to be said or whatever moves you. Why such control over talking about sex? It boggles my mind.

[NeonKaos]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who "has to" tell their other partner ANYTHING about what we do together. So the girlfriend will probably grow weary of this and leave, which is probably what the OP really wants down deep inside and doesn't even realize.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

It isn't about how much the "original" partners share and care for one another. THERE IS ANOTHER PARTNER, and what about THEIR "private thoughts, feelings, and experiences"? Doesn't the "other" partner have a right to be in complete control of THEIR OWN privacy? I fail to see how violation of someone else's privacy demonstrates love between two people "that can't be expressed otherwise". Go back and read that quote very slowly, and see how it makes less and less sense the more times you read it.

I see your point, but then wouldn't you say that people also have the right not to have their partner talk about them with friends, therapists, etc.? Isn't the issue more talking about others with respect rather than total secrecy? I read a book on truth once that said that when you keep people in the dark about things, it's like saying that you have a right to knowledge that they don't have a right to. This may be a legitimate right within a physical relationship, but doesn't it also ruin the intimacy you have with a person if they have secret parts of their lives that are off limits? Granted, to have openness requires responsibility. It's hard to promise openness if the other person can't promise emotional maturity in dealing with disclosed information. But I have trouble seeing how you could maintain a healthy relationship with a "don't ask don't tell" policy between partners, though I'm sure it goes on all the time in all sorts of relationships for all sorts of reasons.

[Ariakas]

You are taking a specific point and now comparing it to a general point.

Talking about sex is never required. It is personal ane should be discreet. And it should be up to the people doing the fucking. Of course personal discretion is just that personal. Some groupings can do this full disclosure sexual fun. But other can't. And the right of the information lies with the people in the relationship. Not with the met amour.

In general, most people do talk about their lovers with other peoples. But not everything. I don't know anyone that talks about everything and every aspect. There are always things left to privacy and discretion.

And lastly therapy is something else. In the end if you are that messed up about a poly relationship where you need to discuss every aspect of the relationship, you should probably get out of the relationship. Therapy is usually pretty soecific and doesnt need every detail of everything. And even if you are in therapy.. That's a protected environment. Its not the same as telling your wife how you banged your girlfriend, what positions, how many orgasms, how many bed springs your broke, and what the neighbours thought.

The only person that should know every detail about every part of your relationship are the people involved in the relationship. Period.