Loving freely or controlling emotions?

[serialmonogamist]

I disagree that there are people who are totally mono. After all, everyone feels some level of love for friends or even acquaintances who endear themselves in one way or other. I think people figure out ways to draw boundaries that allow them to separate monogamous love from other kinds of love. It is taboo to consider feeling sexually attracted to friends or strangers and so people must tell themselves that when they're seeing attractive people on TV, the attraction isn't physical (they probably just don't think about it consciously at all).

Anyway, I don't think anyone is totally mono-amorous but I also don't think it's any less natural to control how you express you love than it is to control what and how much you eat. The problem, imo, is that people have gotten side-tracked from thinking about what is healthy and ethical in terms of relationships by strict, shame/fear-driven ideologies about how they have to live in order to be socially accepted. Obviously there is tension in everyone on this subject or it wouldn't be so taboo to even consider talking about polyamorous feelings with friends, family, etc.

[River]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

Anyway, I don't think anyone is totally mono-amorous but I also don't think it's any less natural to control how you express your love than it is to control what and how much you eat.

Okay, fine. We can "control" how we express our love. No problem.

Yet, if I eat too much I become bloated, stomach-achy, and -- eventually -- fat.
Whereas, if I don't control how I express my love I become thin, beautiful, lazy and happy.

===

By the way, certain outsiders looking upon my expression of love, lately, would find me to be quasi-celebate! I haven't spilled any seeds at all in a couple of weeks!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

I disagree that there are people who are totally mono. After all, everyone feels some level of love for friends or even acquaintances who endear themselves in one way or other. .

Just to be clear...when I refer to love on this board it is in the romantic sense. That is in fact a different love to me internally.....but that is only me as I cannot assume to understand how any other human truly works. In a romantic love way I am completely mono. Monogamy is not an indication or assumption of lifelong pair bonding for me either. I see it merely as an indication that I form one romantic pair bonding at a time.

I don't relate the philosophy or nature of poly to apply to any other kind of love besides romantic love as I define it for myself. So in this way, the love of friends or children or siblings again does not apply for me. Of course my own convictions and beliefs are totally non binding to any other human.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by River

Okay, fine. We can "control" how we express our love. No problem.

Yet, if I eat too much I become bloated, stomach-achy, and -- eventually -- fat.
Whereas, if I don't control how I express my love I become thin, beautiful, lazy and happy.

Idk, you could become spent, lethargic, and neurotic.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I don't relate the philosophy or nature of poly to apply to any other kind of love besides romantic love as I define it for myself. So in this way, the love of friends or children or siblings again does not apply for me. Of course my own convictions and beliefs are totally non binding to any other human.

How do you differentiate, then, between finding a model attractive and a partner? Isn't physical attraction physical attraction regardless of your relationship with the individual?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

Idk, you could become spent, lethargic, and neurotic.


How do you differentiate, then, between finding a model attractive and a partner? Isn't physical attraction physical attraction regardless of your relationship with the individual?

Physical attributes are an extremely small part of romantic love for me. I find lots of people physically attractive...but very few have generated anything remotely considered love. Love is about energy exchange and trust to me..not physical attraction. I consider physical attraction to be a lower brain function driven by an animal desire to procreate. While I enjoy this for what it is, I feel that human intelligence has elevated us above our base instincts IMHO. I don't confuse wanting to have sex with someone with loving them.

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Physical attributes are an extremely small part of romantic love for me. I find lots of people physically attractive...but very few have generated anything remotely considered love. Love is about energy exchange and trust to me..not physical attraction. I consider physical attraction to be a lower brain function driven by an animal desire to procreate. While I enjoy this for what it is, I feel that human intelligence has elevated us above our base instincts IMHO. I don't confuse wanting to have sex with someone with loving them.

While I think you are pointing out a relevant fact about the relationship between sex and love, I think a lot of jealousy and control within monogamous relationships is focussed on sex primarily. For example, when I talk to people about polygamy/polyandry, they seem to view sex as the defining issue instead of family responsibilities. Also, I don't think many people feel jealousy of platonic love that goes on between their partner and others in monogamous relationships. Friendship is not only allowed but encouraged. I think I am the only monogamist whose ever thought that it would be special to have my spouse as my only friend and that ended up causing problems in marriage, so that goes to show that (platonic) polyamory is common.

What is so different about romantic love from platonic love? Isn't it just the amounts of touching that go on and the intensity of the feelings you share?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

. . . I don't think many people feel jealousy of platonic love that goes on between their partner and others in monogamous relationships.

Oh, no, that's not true. One can be jealous of anyone their partner spends time with, enjoys being around, has inside jokes with, co-workers, whatever - doesn't matter if it's totally platonic. I felt jealous about some of my ex's friends. The dynamic doesn't always control that. Jealousy usually rears its head when insecurities or self-doubts are present (and there's always more stuff underneath it).

[serialmonogamist]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh, no, that's not true. One can be jealous of anyone their partner spends time with, enjoys being around, has inside jokes with, co-workers, whatever - doesn't matter if it's totally platonic. I felt jealous about some of my ex's friends. The dynamic doesn't always control that. Jealousy usually rears its head when insecurities or self-doubts are present (and there's always more stuff underneath it).

That's true but I just know that most people don't like the idea of being your only friend so platonic monogamy is practically taboo even though jealousy does rear its head in platonic relationships too.

[Idlovetwo]

This is interesting. When I was trying to make my mono boyfriend understand polyamory, I was telling him that one person doesn't replace another, that every person is different, and that you express yourself in different ways with different people. And he said something like, 'Yeah, but you have your friends for that'. So, in the 'traditional' point of view, you can (and are encouraged to) non-sexually express yourself in different ways with different people, but you can't do it sexually. Then again, the boundary between the two scenarios may be as blurry as you can imagine, right?

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist

That's true but I just know that most people don't like the idea of being your only friend so platonic monogamy is practically taboo even though jealousy does rear its head in platonic relationships too.

Well, you can have romantic love with no sex, and it's not the same as friendship. A lot of people are fine with friendship, but not with "emotional affairs".