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  #11  
Old 06-17-2011, 03:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There was a discussion about this on fakebook recently.

The issue that needs to be addressed is: why is it necessary for you to know what they do in the sack together? Is it because you need to know you're "better" than she is? Do you need to "keep score"? If he's doing something with her that you don't like or aren't interested in doing, does that make you feel inadequate? If they are doing something together that you and he DO enjoy together, does that make you feel inadequate? Ask yourself questions along those lines, get to the root of why it's so important to you, and deal with the underlying causes of your hangups, instead of re-arranging your life around your hangups. I apologize in advance if my choice of the word "hangup" irks you. It irks me too.
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  #12  
Old 06-17-2011, 03:34 PM
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I'm with Neon on this one. I'm of the mind that if you give your blessing to a partner's sexual intimacy with another person, than that is as far as disclosure needs to go. Unless they are involving other people in that activity or there is a sexual safety incident.

His girlfriend has every right to complete privacy about what they do with their bodies in my opinion. If it is something you can come to a mutually comfortable compromise on though, that is great
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  #13  
Old 06-17-2011, 04:08 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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I am a newbie, but I would think that if their relationship is seperate from yours with him, that she is entitled to privacy. It might not bug you if they talk about his sex life with you, but if it did, that would be okay and you would expect them to respect that. I would think it could take away from the intimacy and even the security of her experiences with him.

As long as they are being safe and not crossing any of the set boundaries ya'll might have, I say they should have privacy. She obviously feels uncomfortable and needs to know that her feelings matter. I would probably feel kinda weird about it, too.
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  #14  
Old 06-17-2011, 04:44 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I know that I have had a certain "curiosity" as to what hubs and his GF do, but I've never asked because I do feel like that would be a violation of their privacy. Hubs and I have spoken in theory about how if something new gets discovered with another person we'd like the ability to maybe introduce it into our relationship (this working both ways), but specific details to me seems really voyeuristic and not in a voluntary way.

I totally agree with seeing why knowing the details brings you security, and working on it from that angle. Really, in the long run, it may take more work, but the personal growth that comes with finding and eliminating insecurities is much more longlasting.
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  #15  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:11 PM
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Hmm, I can understand your excitement when hearing what your bf does in bed with another, but I don't quite understand how knowing what they do makes you feel secure - unless you're talking about a safer sex issue? That is puzzling to me.

That being said, the need his other gf has to to keep it all private is even more puzzling to me. Why should it matter that he's talking about sexual activities he is participating in with one of the women he participates with???? Aren't you all adults? I love being able to talk about sex with my friends, I've always done that. Get together with girlfriends, "What did he do, what did I do," and so on. Why should it be different with someone I'm involved with? Fine if she doesn't want to hear what you and he do, but why should she censor him when he's alone with you?

Okay, I guess there's no solution coming from me, I'm just offering another opinion. So, I would still question yourself to understand why you need to know -- if it's just prurient interest that gets you off, I think that's great, but if it's some sort of weird need to be in control or monitor him, or you use the information against yourself in some way, that's not too cool. And on the other hand, I think she's making a mountain out of a molehill.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-17-2011 at 06:15 PM.
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  #16  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:51 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Agreed with nyci. I don't think it's a big deal knowing or not knowing, talking or not talking, but I would ask yourself the questions I put to you earlier in the interest of self-growth and understanding, and for the long haul. If you really do have issues about "security" you should address those instead of trying to change the world around you to accommodate denial.
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  #17  
Old 06-17-2011, 06:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
My bf's gf is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and I discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.

To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.
Beloved and I had to work out some similar issues when we started seeing other people. I did not want to give her details about what I did sexually with other lovers because I'm naturally pretty reticent and private about such things and because I assumed that telling her in detail would hurt her. (We did talk about what our mutual rules for safer sex practices are.) I was worried she would compare, wonder why I did such and such with so and so, the quality of my orgasms with so and so versus with her, etc. I also need space to process stuff in my head - which means I hesitate to talk about said stuff until I have a handle on it. (See the Privacy thread for more on this.) So I was generally reluctant to give her details.

However, Beloved needed to hear from me because to her, it was reassuring to *know* what I was doing, rather than imagining what I was doing. She is a bit of an exhibitionist and a voyeur so there was that aspect of it. Telling her made her feel more secure - which I, honestly, don't really get. However, it is true for her.

So what we do is that I tell her sexual practices but not 'play by play' details. I tell her what makes me come with other lovers and how my general desires are evolving.

I don't know if this is of any help to you but perhaps there is something you can use.
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  #18  
Old 06-17-2011, 07:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
Have any of you had issues with full disclosure? How did you deal with that?
The person, who you would be talking about has all the rights here. Discretion and privacy are up to that person.

You should find another way to find security in the sexual side of the relationship.

When I am in relationships I expect some degree of privacy and discretion, I try to offer that and in turn I don't ask. I don't know a thing beyond my wife being with another man.. details feel invasive..
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  #19  
Old 06-17-2011, 08:24 PM
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Privacy all the way. My sex life is mine and the other persons alone. I think she has a valid concern for her privacy and the privacy of their relationship. Its really kind to you that she is offering ANY details.
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  #20  
Old 06-17-2011, 09:28 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Hello everyone,

I just registered. This looks like a great forum! I'm really interested in the ethics of various types of sexual/family relationships. It's so good when people take the responsibility to openly discuss polyamory concerns instead of just seeing what they can get away with secretly without any concern for the consequences or anyone else's feelings.

Anyway, in response to this thread I think that it is reasonable to expect one's partner to be free to talk about whatever they're doing with other people with other partners. Of course, it changes things a bit when people are using your openness to spy on you. I think when you openly agree to having multiple partners, you should also feel comfortable talking about each other with each other as long as there is mutual respect. Keeping secrets is usually more painful than the information that is being kept secret, imo.
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