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  #11  
Old 06-16-2011, 03:18 PM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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thanks for all the responses. Sorry Im being a little impatient. I guess I have googled the heck out of this & generally the consensus is "omg you clearly don't love your bf if you are trying to get with his friend" of course, this is the population that believes in true monogamy, and is not at all what I believe.


We are not married, both 27 years old. When we started on this venture it was strictly "we have been together so long, we feel the need to discover other people because attraction is completely natural and we shouldn't be ashamed about those feelings". However that belief seemed to lead to the world of swinging, which isn't something we wanted to pursue. We also tried the open relationship concept but that left us with feelings of emptiness and guilt. We were more about developing relationships, which led us to poly. My boyfriend has built a relationship with a woman he went to school with and has known for years. I am very comfortable with her and understand their dynamic. His friend, who knows of our lifestyle as I mentioned, and I would like to pursue something and are very close. The problem is my boyfriend is NOT comfortable with us being that close or perhaps becoming closer. So yes, I believe it is a jealousy thing and a fear of abandonment on his part. I know the rule of taking things very slow, we have for the past six months while going on this journey. We have very open communication but this has been somewhat of a problem only because I know where my feelings lie and I believe I am going to get a stark "no, not him" from my boyfriend. & if that is the case, how is that fair?


I want to approach this but from what I have seen so far, my boyfriend doesn't seem comfortable with the idea and would prefer me not to have relations with this man. I guess I am at a level where I can understand the way love works and the way relationships work and that everything can be taken from a mature, adult standpoint, but maybe he is not. I of course do not want to make him uncomfortable but these feelings are very real and I dont think it right to just put them aside.


I suppose the other part of the puzzle is this friends ex is one of my friends. So that is an even bigger issue because she has no idea what is happening.


This might just be a bigger mess than I am willing to pursue, it just seems entirely too complicated to make work. Perhaps I just answered my own question...
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  #12  
Old 06-16-2011, 03:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I don't think .. monogamous limitations really exist in poly. The idea of "I can't date what you had" etc don't really apply.

So dating your partners friend isn't really off the table. That said, if there is disclosure or trust issues, that in and of itself could be a problem
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  #13  
Old 06-16-2011, 03:37 PM
CautiousLoops CautiousLoops is offline
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The problem being that those who are not aware of our lifestyle and do not understand it simply see me (and my partner) as being completely selfish and wanting the best of both worlds. I don't believe many can comprehend that way of thinking, thats why we mostly leave our personal life to ourselves. Having feelings for this man as I do has pushed our personal life into the forefront due to the fact that we won't be able to hide what we are doing forever, from everyone.


My partner and I don't have trust issues and we have full disclosure of most, I am just deciding how to bring this situation out into the open without causing a rift in their friendship or our entire dynamic. I dont want to muddle things. I suppose that IS what might happen and one has to be prepared for things not to go their way but that is still my biggest fear.
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  #14  
Old 06-16-2011, 03:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
The problem being that those who are not aware of our lifestyle and do not understand it simply see me (and my partner) as being completely selfish and wanting the best of both worlds. I don't believe many can comprehend that way of thinking, thats why we mostly leave our personal life to ourselves. Having feelings for this man as I do has pushed our personal life into the forefront due to the fact that we won't be able to hide what we are doing forever, from everyone.
I understand. Sorry I wasn't belittling the situation. Just explaining it from a poly perspective.

I guess one aspect would be, is your partner poly and how does he feel. In the end its the 3 of you that have to figure it out. Other people are really just spectators.

Quote:
My partner and I don't have trust issues and we have full disclosure of most, I am just deciding how to bring this situation out into the open without causing a rift in their friendship or our entire dynamic. I dont want to muddle things. I suppose that IS what might happen and one has to be prepared for things not to go their way but that is still my biggest fear.
Now that is a concern. How will the friend take it. How to both "come out" and ... politely ask...

Personally, I just bring it up in conversation, you might find your answers just by explaining you may be non-monogamous or poly.. letting the chips fall thoughout that explanation. You will figure out pretty quickly if there is even the remotest chance
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  #15  
Old 06-16-2011, 07:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
My boyfriend has built a relationship with a woman he went to school with and has known for years. I am very comfortable with her and understand their dynamic. His friend, who knows of our lifestyle as I mentioned, and I would like to pursue something and are very close. The problem is my boyfriend is NOT comfortable with us being that close or perhaps becoming closer.
How do you know he is uncomfortable with it if you have not yet talked to him about it?

BTW, being uncomfortable isn't going to kill him. It's just something he will have to work on and through. Do you really need his permission? He may be your boyfriend, but he's not the boss of you. Would you have vetoed his other relationship for any reason?
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Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
So yes, I believe it is a jealousy thing and a fear of abandonment on his part.
Would he feel this with anyone or only this friend? It doesn't make sense if he wouldn't be jealous with other peeps but only with this one guy. That would mean he feels possessive of his friendship with him, and only wants to see it be a certain way. Have you had other relationships since you two chose to live polyamorously, or is he the only one who has an additional partner? Is he very possessive of you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
I know where my feelings lie and I believe I am going to get a stark "no, not him" from my boyfriend. & if that is the case, how is that fair?
No it wouldn't be fair, but he might not react that way, either.

Perhaps the two of you (you and his friend) should sit down with him together and in the most kind and loving way, tell him how happy you both are to have him (your partner) in your lives and that you both cannot deny the feelings you have for each other any longer. Tell him that you want his blessing, but you're not asking for permission. Any difficulty that comes up within him are his own issues -- he will have to sort out on an emotional level and with communication, but he doesn't have a right to tell you, "No, not this one." You're not picking a puppy out at the pet store, you two already feel closeness and a mutual attraction. But you two would then need to be extra sensitive to his fears and make a concerted effort to reassure him that you both love him and aren't going to abandon him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
I want to approach this but from what I have seen so far, my boyfriend doesn't seem comfortable with the idea and would prefer me not to have relations with this man.
Again, does he really have the right to forbid you? Especially if you are honest and straightforward with him about everything? How can he tell you whom to love or not?

At least, the words you're using are "uncomfortable" and "prefer" -- which are hopeful in that there may be some room in his eyes for things to happen. People know that some things will make us uncomfortable and that not all our preferences will be met. Maybe you are making more out of it than he would???
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
I of course do not want to make him uncomfortable but these feelings are very real and I dont think it right to just put them aside.
The sand in an oyster is uncomfortable and irritating to the oyster, but winds up becoming a pearl. This may be just the issue he needs to face right now in order to grow as a person. There are no accidents in life, I believe, and perhaps the universe put you and his friend together for a reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
I suppose the other part of the puzzle is this friends ex is one of my friends. So that is an even bigger issue because she has no idea what is happening.
Well, exes don't have any claim or right to bar people from dating their exes. She will just have to get over it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiousLoops View Post
My partner and I don't have trust issues and we have full disclosure of most, I am just deciding how to bring this situation out into the open without causing a rift in their friendship or our entire dynamic. I dont want to muddle things. I suppose that IS what might happen and one has to be prepared for things not to go their way but that is still my biggest fear.
Rifts happen. Shit happens. People feel pain. Life goes on. We can't always protect everyone we love from difficult feelings, especially when we do so at cost to our own happiness and well-being.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-16-2011 at 07:16 PM.
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