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Old 06-16-2011, 05:18 AM
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sinew sinew is offline
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The idea of limiting the frequency and length of our heavy conversations is probably a good idea. I'm pretty familiar with the better ways to talk out conflict from my professional life, but I've found it pretty hit or miss in this situation. Charlie wants me to get better, but feels helpless and I feel frustrated because my practical suggestions aren't in the spirit of what he wants. I suggest things like schedules and boundaries, and he says it's too complicated (which is probably true). What I really need to do is to "come around" to poly, and while he wants to give me time, he also doesn't want to hear that it could be a long, long time.

I have to agree with Minxxa's comments on Polyexplorer's situation. It would behoove poly folks who are trying to bring their mono partners around that this is no easier for the mono to want the relationship you envision than for you to want the relationship they envision. It seems like an impasse. I know that's how it has felt to me.

Polyexplorer, if your wife is like me, if she is trying, I implore you to celebrate that. If she is finding that she can open just a little bit to the idea, be grateful. Let her know you realize and are proud of how brave she is trying to be for you. If you can find a way to let this struggle bring you closer, you may find that she is able to adjust more easily than if she is feeling pressured. I virtually guarantee you that she can sense your impatience, and that is contributing to her discomfort. Here she is dipping a toe in what (for her) is water that's quite possibly infested with sharks, and you are making her feel bad for not being able to jump in.

Regarding the idea of a decisive point, I have some experience with that. I'm used to being able to put my mind to something and make it happen. I decide, and it stays decided. I've written pages and pages of instructions to myself, copied poems and passages, created flash cards (yes, geeky), and listened to tapes about letting go of negative emotion every day for months. I have tried like hell to decide to want poly for my husband, and it just doesn't work that way. It makes my heart ache in ways I've never felt before, and I am not an emotional person. I've even tried to just say to hell with all the problems I've still got with it, and I'll just be "in", for better and for worse. I don't recommend that approach.
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