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Old 06-15-2011, 11:14 PM
pjwonders pjwonders is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Northwest
Posts: 1
Default Opening up for first time - at 50 y/o

My husband (K) and I have been married for 10 years. We were both married previously for 15 years. My ex-husband (B) cheated with multiple women, and had an affair with one woman for 11 of the 15 years we were married. I cheated on him out of revenge but also closed my eyes to his infidelity due to my self-image issues. (K) had an affair while he was married to his first wife - and I knew about the woman prior to our marraige.
I had been pretty wild in college - having multiple partners, and while I didn't know it at that time, I guess I was "poly" way back then - I had one steady partner who was married to my sister's best friend, and several other partners that he was aware of, but okay with (ironically it was silently understood between us that I had other relationships openly to cover up our clandistine relationship) However, even though I was wild in college, once I married my first husband, I was committed to him - even up to a couple of months prior to our divorce.

During the 5 years I was single between my marraiges, I dated several men and had a committed relationship with one man for almost 2 years. He and I explored alot of things - but although we talked about threesomes, we never acted on it.
Fast forward to my current marraige to (K). I became aware prior to our wedding that (K) had been participating in swinging. He tried introducing me to a couple that he had played with, and it went over my head for several months that they were basically wanting to initiate me into the lifestyle. When it dawned on me what was going on - I explained to (K) that I was not interested in participating and I would not be agreeable to him continuing to play either. *Caveat here - that conversation was held prior to our marraige - and he never brought it up again*

Over the course of the first couple of years of our marraige (K) was transitioning from a military career to civilian life - went to school, started working and found himself unemployed for a period of time - Also during that time, my daughter became pregnant and I had major back surgery. So, there was "alot" going on - sex with (K) became non-exsistant - literally. I knew he was searching porn online, but he would deny having any other contact with people from his past life. I tried so many times to "initiate" sex with him - it actually became somewhat of a joke. He claimed that he didn't want to hurt me after my back surgery - so he was afraid to touch me.

Well, as you can guess - he got careless and I found evidence that he was continuing to swing. I confronted him in February and gave him the option to come clean, go to counselling with me and to try to fix our marraige - or we would become even more "platonic" - I had NO intention of divorcing him and going backward in station at this point in my life. I have to state - I DO LOVE him - I DO like him - and I DO enjoy being around him.

Last summer (K) and I built our forever home together. We met a wonderful man (M) when we toured the model home - who later became our realtor and now mutual friend. During the time that I discovered the evidence of (K) swinging again - I confided in (M) - he revealed to me that he was interested in me as a person/potential lover.

During our counselling session (K & Mine) - our therapist had us work individually on our emotions - I revealed to her that I had a male friend (M) whom I confided in about my situation with (K) - she chastized me and said I should not involve another man in the equation. However, my feelings for (M) were already too deep as "friends". I was flattered that he desired me - and after 8 1/2 years of celebacy basically - it felt to good to have someone flirt with me.
I finally decided that I had to tell (K) how I felt and asked him to consider open marraige - Now, he has given me his blessing to pursue this open forum with (M).
I'm confused - totally - on one hand I want to jump (M) right now - on the other hand I'm so scared that (K) is only telling me to go ahead so he can have his lifestyle. I have told him honestly that I do not know if I want to "swing" or not - and don't know if I would feel comfortable being with (M) in front of him -
(M) wants to come see me on Friday morning - to see how things go -
????? what do I do ?????
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