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  #1001  
Old 06-12-2011, 06:59 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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You're a smart, self-assured woman who knows what she needs and wants and how to communicate that.

I think we, your blog readers, see more of the negative aspects of your relationship with Leo. Because hey, a blog is a good place to vent!

Given these things, I can't presume to offer advice on what is best for you.

You are in my thoughts though, and I hope for a positive resolution to this, whatever that means for you and yours.

*HUG*
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  #1002  
Old 06-13-2011, 09:15 PM
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Thanks all. While I see little reason to continue on with him, I still am. I know, *eye roll* I like to make myself go crazy sometimes. The thing is that I love him, enjoy his company and think that there is a nugget of something worth it some how. still.

I actually wrote a TON of replies to him and had a really good vent. Then didn't send them. I talked about it a lot and went over it a lot. PN helped me a lot with this as did Mono, but PN really laid it on the line for me in a way that made me realize what was going on for me. He read his email, went over every bit of info I got and came up with a really plausible version of what is going on for Leo, that made complete sense and made me feel the fool actually...

I had a good cry over it in his arms and it was very releasing. I got to talk to Ari and Pengrah about it too this weekend and they graciously listened to me... every time I talk about it, more is worked out.

Having slept a bit more, having the show over, and the business subside, I can now take the time I should of to really figure it all out. Again...

I think that largely my lack of trust comes from me. There are several things at play; my past experience, my desire to be closer that won't be realized, and my lack of understanding him due to little communication. I THINK that for him he has enough from me, he has enough in life, he doesn't want to push himself or try new things and gets pissed off when I suggest it. He likes his bubble and lives nicely in it... I don't value living in a bubble and instead value pushing my comfortableness to see what comes from it. I feel uncomfortable now and have decided to use this experience to see how much I can pull back from the connection I have with him and be okay. I invest A FUCKING LOT in people and when they don't, I find myself hurt and want to run away. I'm not going to run away, but try and back out this time... just to see what that feels like. Its practice. I am using him for practice That sounds so bad doesn't it? I await his thoughts on all of this, and will relay them later, I think...

The show was fantastic this Friday. Burlesque Bonanza went kaboom! It was a really long show that was a real mix of talents. I was really pleased with it. I am beginning to make some friends that want to do numbers with me now as the number I did with four other women went really well. The prospect of doing something with others as a troupe, is really exciting. I have a bit of a fear of women that I hope to get over through this. I'm trying hard not to invest everything in them as I usually do.... trying to keep an arms length and not get in too deep. Man that's hard when I'm so excited to be around them.

I met another Dom woman from a neighbouring town last week on FL. It turns out she was in the show too! Talk about good timing. I so needed to find a mirror to look into in another Dom woman and there she was. Her and I talked a bit and conversed on line too. I am trying not to be too excited and bombard her with questions and attempts to relate, so I'm playing it cool and seeing how she responds. My immediate delight was that she is not a hard ass bitch type or an unapproachable control freak, but a woman like me; confident, funny, has a presence that others light up around and is smiling and unassuming. Heh, didn't know I thought of myself that way! I guess what I'm saying is that I LIKED HER! It made me like myself more and feel like I had a place within my own skin. *Phew* I so needed that.

I am lovin' up my Derby girl today as she is struggling to keep her head above water with her hubby on crutches. I was hoping we could find some time together this week but schedules aren't matching up. Next week... hopefully things will settle more. I am hoping to sneak in an "at work" coffee date if nothing else.

Mono and PN are great. PN is a writing crazy man again. He has an article coming that is making him high on life right now. I love when he is feeling like that. Its like he had NRE! Compersion abounds!

Mono has been helping our friends out with bike stuff lately, and he seems to need some down time. I am hoping he found some last night. He needs tons of down time. I am trying to convince him to come with me to see the second to last game of the Stanley cup tonight as none of us know any hockey fans.... believe it or not. He has half agreed to come and have a beer at a local pub for the last period... I dunno. I might just go it alone
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  #1003  
Old 06-13-2011, 09:24 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Glad you're figuring things out.

Wish I had know you were a hockey fan earlier, I would have sent my son out to you, lol. That child (nearly 16! so a child no longer, really ) lives and breathes hockey!
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  #1004  
Old 06-13-2011, 11:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks all. While I see little reason to continue on with him, I still am. I know, *eye roll* I like to make myself go crazy sometimes. The thing is that I love him, enjoy his company and think that there is a nugget of something worth it some how. still.
Hmm, I wonder if you're just stubborn and if we all told you to stick it through and work it out, you'd be saying, "No thanks, I'm done!"


... just pokin' fun at ya a little.
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  #1005  
Old 06-14-2011, 12:02 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, I wonder if you're just stubborn and if we all told you to stick it through and work it out, you'd be saying, "No thanks, I'm done!"


... just pokin' fun at ya a little.
Heh yes, good point although I likley would do what I bloody well like anyway. Gaud I drive myself crazy.
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  #1006  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:44 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I had a good cry over it in his arms and it was very releasing. I got to talk to Ari and Pengrah about it too this weekend and they graciously listened to me... every time I talk about it, more is worked out.
Anytime RP .. we really just enjoyed the company. The graciousness was returned for us as well

We did our talk about this topic. Best of luck with this stage. I hope you find the strength you need to do whats best for YOU ..

cheers

Ari
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  #1007  
Old 06-14-2011, 03:21 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Not to beat a dead horse but Leo hasn't been portrayed well. With out looking back I recall you saying he was an alcoholic swinger with social anxiety issues who doesn't communicate very well.etc....that's from memory so if I'm wrong I apologize. From the outside it kind of looks like animal rescue....or a project. Leo's this little mutt with all these problems that need fixing.....

You being poly and leo's being poly would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?


By the way does that ever happen at poly meeting? Person X is dating this really great person Y . Does person X ever introduce his/her good friend Z to person Y?
sorry about the random thoughts and questions D
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  #1008  
Old 06-14-2011, 04:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Not to beat a dead horse but Leo hasn't been portrayed well.
Leo is a good and kind hearted person. You'ld have to get to know him to understand that. He'll do just about anything for you and is amazingly talented in the things he is passionate about. He is also somewhat complicated as is the dynamic between him and his wife. I don't understand it but he is a very devoted husband maybe even to a fault.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You being poly and leo's being poly would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?
I would recommend him to a poly friend to date if they were looking for a certain type of relationship and had certain interests. He isn't likely to make a good primary to anyone as he has so little time outside of his family it seems, but almost in an LDR type situation he's a pretty good fit
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  #1009  
Old 06-14-2011, 08:08 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Not to beat a dead horse but Leo hasn't been portrayed well. With out looking back I recall you saying he was an alcoholic swinger with social anxiety issues who doesn't communicate very well.etc....that's from memory so if I'm wrong I apologize. From the outside it kind of looks like animal rescue....or a project. Leo's this little mutt with all these problems that need fixing.....

You being poly and leo's being poly would you recommend your sister, (if you had one) or good friend, to date him? Would any of the others in the tribe recommend he date one of their friends or loved ones?


By the way does that ever happen at poly meeting? Person X is dating this really great person Y . Does person X ever introduce his/her good friend Z to person Y?
sorry about the random thoughts and questions D
no problem, I realize he sounds overly fucked up and a failure. Not at all. He is a very simple man, with simple needs. Which makes him confusing to me as I am not.

He is dedicated to those he loves and does not like change. He lives in fear it seems of change and to deal with it he is anxious and drinks too much. He told me last night that now he is afraid of losing me because that will be a change. Imagine what he went through just to get to know me! Kinda puts it into perspective.

I agree with mono too including a ldr type situation. I suck at that, which is part of the problem.
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  #1010  
Old 06-14-2011, 11:18 PM
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Hey, I figured some more shit out....

Leo asked me why I still get that look on my face when he talks about his swinging... He thinks I am still judging him and against it. I had a good long think about it, because I really don't care at this point and realized that my feelings are around his bragging about it, or anyone bragging about it. I can't stand bragging at all, just as I can't stand whining.

"I am so fucking awesome" and "I'm not being taken care of *whine*" drive me fucking in sane.

Ahhhhhh,,,,, sweet victory! I feel so freed.

Now I can laugh it off and avoid in the future. Or at least find some way to talk about it in terms of getting to the bottom of why they feel the need to converse in that way.

Why do people brag about stuff anyway? Because they are insecure? Why do they whine....? Because they want validation for feeling the way they do?
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