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  #11  
Old 06-13-2011, 03:21 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Sikau View Post
How can I choose between my husband and myself?
Okay, so this one line struck me more than anything else. It's a no-brainer to me. You should be choosing yourself most of the time. I don't mean what TV show you watch at night, or silly things like that. If you consitently put others before you in matters that affect your very core, you will drain yourself. If you do not put yourself first, you will ultimately become useless to your husband.

His need to be monogamous is no more legitimate than your need to NOT be monogamous. That is an important thing to remember.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2011, 04:05 PM
Sikau Sikau is offline
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As we live & mature, we start to discover more of who we REALLY are.
Grounded Spirit -- Yes! This is so true, but I think it doesn't matter how hard anyone tries to convince their children of this, it is still a lesson one must learn themselves...usually through trial and error. I try to keep a positive outlook though, that without all of my experiences, even ones some might call "mistakes", I would not be the person that I am today. So as hard as it all is, it would be silly to say I'd want to change it, because then who would I be?

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I'm going to venture that your hubby has opened some cans of worms in therapy that don't have covers (closure) on them yet. The process has really fed his insecurities in a big way. He's in a much more fearful position now that he was prior to therapy. Work is unfinished.
Clinging to monogamy as a lifeline is trying to take a simplified approach to a complex challenge. That being relationships & sexuality. Like most shortcuts - it usually doesn't work and it all comes crashing down on us.
I both agree and disagree with your assessment. I think the hubby (I'm gonna just call him R) has come a million miles forward from where he started in therapy. He's actually gained a real sense of self and the confidence to put that forward. However, I also think that it's possible for additional self-acceptance and confidence to emerge (it's always possible isn't it?). However, only he can know if/when the time is right for more work to be done and I fully support and respect that as his decision. I'm lucky that he also supports that in me. I only hope we find a way to be in sync with our growth.

Quote:
Okay, so this one line struck me more than anything else. It's a no-brainer to me. You should be choosing yourself most of the time. I don't mean what TV show you watch at night, or silly things like that. If you consitently put others before you in matters that affect your very core, you will drain yourself. If you do not put yourself first, you will ultimately become useless to your husband.

His need to be monogamous is no more legitimate than your need to NOT be monogamous. That is an important thing to remember.
TruckerPete, I know that you are right, though R seems to have a better handle on this concept than I do. I guess I just keep hoping I can find a way to choose us both (there's that eternal optimist in me). I mentioned earlier that it's something that I have greatly struggled with most of my life, choosing myself first. And you are even more right when you say that my needs are as legitimate as his...it can be so hard to remember that sometimes, between my personal doormat tendencies and the ideas of romance, sacrifice, etc that are conditioned into us from birth in our society. I often find myself wondering why I have to be the selfish one, why I want "more" than he does, etc. It definitely helps to be reminded that I'm not broken or crazy for challenging the accepted norms.
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2011, 04:15 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Sikau View Post
TruckerPete, I know that you are right, though R seems to have a better handle on this concept than I do. I guess I just keep hoping I can find a way to choose us both (there's that eternal optimist in me). I mentioned earlier that it's something that I have greatly struggled with most of my life, choosing myself first. And you are even more right when you say that my needs are as legitimate as his...it can be so hard to remember that sometimes, between my personal doormat tendencies and the ideas of romance, sacrifice, etc that are conditioned into us from birth in our society. I often find myself wondering why I have to be the selfish one, why I want "more" than he does, etc. It definitely helps to be reminded that I'm not broken or crazy for challenging the accepted norms.
Yes, with societal norms and being conditioned from birth that monogamy is the only option, I too have struggled with feeling like a greedy, slutful whore on occassion.
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  #14  
Old 06-14-2011, 02:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Sikau View Post
............
I both agree and disagree with your assessment. I think the hubby (I'm gonna just call him R) has come a million miles forward from where he started in therapy. He's actually gained a real sense of self and the confidence to put that forward. However, I also think that it's possible for additional self-acceptance and confidence to emerge (it's always possible isn't it?). However, only he can know if/when the time is right for more work to be done and I fully support and respect that as his decision. I'm lucky that he also supports that in me. I only hope we find a way to be in sync with our growth.
That's awesome to hear Sikau. Happy for him and you also.
Obviously I know nothing of the issues/history and it's none of my business anyway so not my place to comment except in a general fashion.
But often a big part of therapy is teaching people how to gain control in their life to help minimize fears and increase confidence. And 'control' - when it comes to relationships - is going to put you two on different paths.
It may be that that is what is necessary for him to live a productive, happy life, however he defines that. And if that's what's necessary and that creates a huge conflict with you, then he's going to have to choose to move forward without you.
We make those kind of trade-offs all the time, sometime unknowingly.

Another related thought is that if there has been ANY relationship discussion as part of the therapy and the therapist is NOT poly aware, there's no doubt been at least some subliminal suggestion that happiness comes with the 'standard model' and that anything else is unacceptable. If he's swallowed that bait.........well............

GS
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  #15  
Old 06-21-2011, 11:19 PM
Sikau Sikau is offline
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Default Small update

So I figured I'd post just a little update, though not a whole lot has changed...

I did start seeing my own therapist, just had the second session today. We are still in the laying-it-all-out, history gathering, etc stage but I feel comfortable with him. He has come across as very open-minded and interested in my situation. I'm really glad, as I think it would have been very discouraging to run across someone who judged me harshly. I am interested to see where it takes me, and even though there haven't been any revelations or epiphanies or anything, it makes me feel a little better to feel like I'm doing something more productive than just letting my thoughts ramble around in my own head and worrying about how it will all turn out.

Granted, I'm still worried about how it will turn out. But at the same time, I'm really trying to take each day as it comes and enjoy it for what it is. I've found that, overall, I'm pretty good at shutting down the negative thoughts when I really want to enjoy time with my husband. I don't ignore them, but I try to limit them to a controlled time and space and give myself a chance to breathe in between.

On that note, my husband and I had a good conversation last week. It didn't change anything, and was a lot of reiterating of past thoughts and ideas...but I realized it was one of the first times I was able to really convey to him how hard this was for me, without either of us freaking out over it. It was emotional, yes, but there was love and compassion. I had realized that every time I talked about how hard it is for me right now, he would immediately talk about how hard trying to open our relationship was for him in the past. And I was able to tell him that it didn't help me to hear that he knew what I was going through, but that I really just needed to hear that it was ok for me to feel the way I do and that he heard and accepted my feelings, without comparing them. And it was really successful, he responded really well. We both commented on how our communication continues to grow and improve, even if our feelings and ideas seem a bit stuck.

Anyway, I guess that's all I've got for now. As always, questions and feedback are welcome!
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