Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

We did get to talk for a long time yesterday which was good. The not good part was by the time we finally got a chance to do that I was deep in the midst of complete emotional shutdown. The numb, don't feel anything feeling from Thursday was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't feel happy or sad or really anything. My best guess is that all of the emotional upheavel in the past few months on top of the emotional stress over the past few years finally reached the point where my little brain decided it couldn't take anymore.

I like to think I'm so strong I will power through anything, and in a way I will-- but this was a big sign to me that I'm taking on too much emotionally and I need to slow that down. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do that, though. I can't not go to school, can't not deal with work and kids and stuff, can't make life stop.

One thing hubs and I talked about last night was that I really need to find what makes ME happy. Not activities or stuff that is enjoyable and distracting, because I have some of those and they're fine, but they don't REALLY make me happy deep down, they just keep me busy. And thinking about it I'm not really sure what would make me happy because I've spent my whole life making other people my priority, or getting my happiness in being with them. It's a hard thing to realize about yourself, that I've on my own just made other people more important than my own desires and happiness.

I'm not even sure how to go about figuring out what that is... LOL. What I do know is that I need to get out of my head so much, I need to stop doing so much mental and emotional WORK, and I need to just relax and enjoy... something. LOL

I got to talk to hubs' GF last night as well and it was nice. I do like her a lot. She's a lot like hubs in the way that they're both very "here's who I am, love me or leave me"... totally opposite of me. But it did make me realize I need to work on my own confidence and happiness that isn't attached to ANYONE ELSE. I need to make decisions for myself without taking everyone else into consideration first. I need to say no more often, I need to say yes to myself more often.

I've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else, and while they let me they didn't ask me to do that. I think I thought I had to do that, because why else would anybody love me and stay with me. I don't believe that anymore. But I need to change my life so that it's revolving around myself for a while. Wish there was a manual on how to do that... LOL.

I can totally relate to this. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household where I was conditioned to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy, especially my step dad, so we would be safe. That carried on for years after I was married, inspite of the fact that I have a strong personality. I have done a lot of self exploration and self growth to discover who I am and what makes me happy and I have to say that it is work, but it can also be fun work. I was lucky enough to have Runic Wolf by my side supporting me though it. Ultimately, I am a caregiver, but I have learned my limits. Wendigo calls me our morale officer; but he also encourages me to turn to them when I am feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. And I've asked them to be my checks and balances to make sure that I don't bite off more than I can chew anymore.

Good luck with your journey and let me know if I can help in anyway.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

Oh, and the other thing I need to figure out for myself is getting my needs met because they're not. I'm too isolated, very lonely, not getting any sex (and sex with myself is fine, but not the same). My getting those needs met is my responsibility, but how to do that with my busy schedule full of responsibilities (because he's gone), is difficult. And he can't meet them because he's gone. And not letting the bitterness of not getting my needs met bleed all over their relationship is important. And sometimes difficult.

I missed why he is gone. But you do need to fully state your needs to him. Becareful not to tell him what he needs to change, but do tell him the problem you are having and he needs to help fix it. Sometimes it may be as simple as coordinating your calendars. My husband is known for over booking himself until others start to complain and physically show him that he has too much going on.

I will be watching your journey, becasue my SIL is also the caregiver/peacemaker in her family and she too is struggling to learn how to make herself happy and I would like to help her.

[Magdlyn]

It isn't fair, really. He's across the country, all he has to do is work and have fun with his new GF. You're home, maintaining a house, working, going to school and taking care of your(HIS) kids! You probably don't even have time to look on okc for a date, much less actually date.

As for being a people pleaser, my ex (note- "ex") was the same way. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. He'd do too much for others, just so they would love him, and then he'd always resent not getting "enough" (whatever that would be) respect or appreciation for what he did. Now that we've been broken up for 2 years, he is still struggling with this... maybe getting a bit better at it because he was forced to look more at himself since I dumped him.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

I can totally relate to this. I grew up in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household where I was conditioned to keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy, especially my step dad, so we would be safe. That carried on for years after I was married, inspite of the fact that I have a strong personality. I have done a lot of self exploration and self growth to discover who I am and what makes me happy and I have to say that it is work, but it can also be fun work. I was lucky enough to have Runic Wolf by my side supporting me though it. Ultimately, I am a caregiver, but I have learned my limits. Wendigo calls me our morale officer; but he also encourages me to turn to them when I am feeling stressed out or overwhelmed. And I've asked them to be my checks and balances to make sure that I don't bite off more than I can chew anymore.

Good luck with your journey and let me know if I can help in anyway.

Thanks Brigid! I didn't have to deal with abuse as a child, but my step dad was gone a lot and was neglectful of my mother and me. I'm sure that has something to do with me feeling like I have to be perfect and do everything right and never be needy so that someone will stay with me. And I also know that's not true, and I know that at some point the past needs to be gone and you have to step up to what you ACTUALLY have in reality. LOL.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

I missed why he is gone. But you do need to fully state your needs to him. Becareful not to tell him what he needs to change, but do tell him the problem you are having and he needs to help fix it. Sometimes it may be as simple as coordinating your calendars. My husband is known for over booking himself until others start to complain and physically show him that he has too much going on.

I will be watching your journey, becasue my SIL is also the caregiver/peacemaker in her family and she too is struggling to learn how to make herself happy and I would like to help her.

SNeacail-- he's deployed (in the Navy). He just got off of sea duty where he was deployed twice in two years, once to Iraq and once to the Phillippines. He'd transferred to shore duty and was pulled off of that to go to this post in D.C. in January. So he's been gone the majority of the past three years.

So the issue is... coordinating calendars doesn't work because he's 3,000 miles away. We did skype this weekend and we will do that more regularly, but it's a pale substitution for actual conversation and physical touch-- the latter is really what I am sorely lacking and something that is very important to me. That can't be imitated, it is there or it isn't.

And with each deployment it has gotten harder because I feel like I'm slowly withering being the one here, with nobody, taking care of all of the responsibilities. The first deployment was no problem, the second was a little harder, but this one has just worn down my ability to cope. Combine that with me being stressed in school and having extra stresses this past year with my aging mother, and well-- at some point the well runs dry.

I really do think I'm dangerously on the edge of emotional burnout. Not there yet completely, but very close. So that is what I really need to work on because I can't go there.

I do get to go see him in a little over two weeks for about 5 days, so that WILL help a lot. Hopefully enough to get through the 7 weeks after that until he gets home. I think part of the problem too is that he has not been there for me emotionally, physically, mentally for the past 2 years-- and though we're in a much better place and he wants to be that guy-- it's hard to convey from so far away.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

It isn't fair, really. He's across the country, all he has to do is work and have fun with his new GF. You're home, maintaining a house, working, going to school and taking care of your(HIS) kids! You probably don't even have time to look on okc for a date, much less actually date.

As for being a people pleaser, my ex (note- "ex") was the same way. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. He'd do too much for others, just so they would love him, and then he'd always resent not getting "enough" (whatever that would be) respect or appreciation for what he did. Now that we've been broken up for 2 years, he is still struggling with this... maybe getting a bit better at it because he was forced to look more at himself since I dumped him.

Yeah, it really isn't fair, but it is reality and not much can change it! While I am kind of an emotional person I am also pretty rational and logical (most of the time!), and so my head is telling me it's just the way it is, let's get practical and make it a little easier if you can and we'll get through it because we always do. My emotional side is burnt out on "powering through" everything. On being strong, holding on and getting through it. Because once I get through it there's just another "it" right around the corner. There is no end to "it".

I kind of just realized the extent of my people pleasing this weekend. I know I do it, but I just now really had it hit me what it has done to my personality and how it's not healthy. I see my counselor tomorrow and I have two goals I want to work on... 1) rearranging my life so that it is less stressful, less full of "have to's" and figure out what my passions are so that I can have those, too, and 2) un-intertwining myself from my husband (as it's been way too much and too unhealthy) and re-learning how to be a partner. How to love him, respect him, be able to work together with him on our lives, but not be so overinvested in everything he does and focused on him instead of my own damn life.

These are the two things I have done to myself... and I'm the only one that can fix them. I just need a little help on how to go about doing that.

I am on OKCupid... and did talk to someone through message that I may meet up with in the next week or so-- if they call (or I will this week). People are just so flaky I don't count on it, but it would be nice. I do think if I can get out more that will help with the lonliness and lack of physical touch part.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

he's deployed (in the Navy). He just got off of sea duty where he was deployed twice in two years, once to Iraq and once to the Phillippines. He'd transferred to shore duty and was pulled off of that to go to this post in D.C. in January. So he's been gone the majority of the past three years.

So the issue is... coordinating calendars doesn't work because he's 3,000 miles away. We did skype this weekend and we will do that more regularly, but it's a pale substitution for actual conversation and physical touch-- the latter is really what I am sorely lacking and something that is very important to me. That can't be imitated, it is there or it isn't.

That's hard and yeah coordinating calendars wouldn't work, except maybe to make sure you guys at least get more "face time". My dad was military and gone alot when we were babies, but not so much as I got older. I still say keep him informed of your struggles, don't hide it as a way to "make everyone happy". I have seen people make decissions based on their belief that everything is "OK" only to realize too late that it really was only a hair away from total collapse.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

That's hard and yeah coordinating calendars wouldn't work, except maybe to make sure you guys at least get more "face time". My dad was military and gone alot when we were babies, but not so much as I got older. I still say keep him informed of your struggles, don't hide it as a way to "make everyone happy". I have seen people make decissions based on their belief that everything is "OK" only to realize too late that it really was only a hair away from total collapse.

Yeah, I don't want to do that either. It's basically the way I HAVE been handling things, which is because I feel it "shouldn't" bother me, I just keep it quiet that it does hoping it will pass and it then grows and becomes a bigger monster.

I'm searching for the between-ground between being able to express what I need and not being super demanding. My heart wants to be super demanding because I really need a LOT right now, and a lot of it I can't have. I need him home with me right now-- and that ain't gonna happen. So I can't keep whining about it, but I still need to deal with it. How to do that without either just "pushing through" or losing my mind is what I'm working on.

More face time is really nice, but it's just not enough right now. But it's all I have and can have. LOL... a dilemma! The problem is we've been emotionally and somewhat physically distant for years. So it's not like he's been gone a few months, no problem. He's mostly been gone for years...

So I'm doing a lot of reading right now on letting go of the past. That's really the first thing I need to do. I need to finally box up all of the bad past between us so that I can not keep flashing back to it. I need to see him 'as he is now', and not mix that up with the person he's been for so long.

Again, much easier if he was actually HERE. Much easier if he wasn't in a new relationship, which just adds to what I need to adapt to and deal with. Much easier if all of this seemed actually REAL. It doesn't much of the time. It's all phone calls, texts, skype... computer stuff. It doesn't actually feel like real life yet. It's like it's all in my imagination right now. And the only solution I see to this is to try to focus on me until I can get to some reality.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Runic Wolf is an army veteran. The first 2 years of our relationship we only saw each other for 2 weeks every 11 months. It got better when I was able to move out to where he was stationed, but even then he ended up being gone for a week my first week there. I think that the military life just fueled my desire for everything to be perfect when he was home; he didn't expect it, but I put alot of pressure on myself to give him everything he wanted/ needed. I didn't realize how much I was neglecting myself until he was medically discharged and home all the time. This week is the first week in 8 years that he's going to be gone all week since his discharge.... I'm meeting him on Wednesday, but not having him here is sooo hard. And he took Wendigo with him, so it's just me and our son.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

The problem is we've been emotionally and somewhat physically distant for years. So it's not like he's been gone a few months, no problem. He's mostly been gone for years...
... And the only solution I see to this is to try to focus on me until I can get to some reality.

Seeing each other for a few weeks a year! That just sounds like no way to have a healthy relationship. Good luck with the OKC guy!

[Minxxa]

Mag we do physically see each other more than that. We just haven't been "good" in years. All of the work we've done between he and I that has gotten us into such a better place has happened in the past 3 months while he's been gone. Before that there was a total emotional distance, as in we'd both be home but be in separate rooms doing separate things. :-/ It really sucked and for a while I felt like our partnership was over and we'd move on to separate places and maybe still date and be in each other's lives but in a different way.

While he's been gone on this deployment, he came to a lot of his own realizations about what has been going on between us, what he's been doing and what he wants. It has actually been an amazing thing to watch, and totally unexpected for me. So that part has been lovely, and it's been hard because we've finally grown closer, I feel safer to be myself, and we are making great strides in all the work we didn't do all of these years-- and I am so far away it doesn't feel "real" to me. It feels like a promise of something I get to have in the future, but don't right now and I've been craving it for years so it's so hard to wait. Now that i say that I feel childish, LOL. It's like waiting for Christmas when you haven't had one in a couple of years. I seem to have no patience for waiting.

I'm also having my own little issues with myself. yesterday I was at work and I was getting my stuff done, and doing a little googling on "finding your happiness" and "trying to be independent within a couple relationship"-- because I feel like these are the two issues I need to work on for myself. I have way too much of myself and my happiness wound up in my husband. Now, I love him dearly, and don't want that to change, but I have to have my OWN happiness. I have to have my own life that he is a part of, not have him be my life. And I hadn't realized until very recently that I've been spending ALL of my time and energy and mental capacity either worrying about stuff or trying to fix stuff. I actually don't know what to THINK about if I'm not focused on that. And I don't want to focus on that stuff anymore. I want my brain to stop sometimes, and sometimes I want to think about something besides my relationships (kids included).

What does that leave? LOL. i'm joking, but not. I really found myself at a loss yesterday as to what to start focusing my thoughts on... kind of disturbing.

Anyway, so the good news is hubs is flying in for the weekend. Just a couple of days, but I can't wait to just feel his arms around me. Just for a little bit...

[Minxxa]

So saw the counselor today and in a much better place. I think I am just dealing with a lot of emotions coming out that hadn't been dealt with for the past couple of years. Best idea is just to let them come, feel them, take care of myself and let them pass. Fighting it seems to make it worse and harder.

I'm also making some changes in my life so that I have more things just for me, restarting some projects that I haven't had time for, and doing less of the "have-tos" in my life.

I also have gotten a good friend of mine to be my venting partner, so when I'm going through these feelings I can talk to her and she can help me get it out and in this way I can spare my hubs from the debris.

Now that I have a plan I feel better. LOL... the lack of control of feeling so crappy is so hard for me.