Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-12-2011, 08:08 PM
Aitch Aitch is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 4
Unhappy Advice?

Am in stable 30+ year old marriage.

SO has always been poly (now I know the word for it!) & I've known ever since 3 months before wedding. General process is he lies about new fb's then I find evidence, we row, I forgive him - but he never seems to feel he's done anything wrong. I have a lifetime of covering for him to other people and to some of his fb's who've suspected they aren't the "only one". I am basically monogomous, tho SO has persuaded me into 3's a few times and I've had one brief fb. Both made me feel cheap - I kept comparing myself unfavourably with the other woman.

He currently has 2 fbs and has denied having another who hasn't been discussed (but he's been there before). I don't have the energy for a challenge - it wouldn't be pleasant & would have no positive benefit.

Problem = I am not getting what I need, but he is. It's not that he doesn't want me, but he likes daytime dalliances & it's not me who's generally free in the day & in the evening he's too tired. He can take time out from work & I can't, but his fb's can. When I have days off, he doesn't make any effort to take time out. If I complain about my lack he says moodily he doesn't keep records of time/date/place, and the problem is that work is making us both tired! While he's satisfied, he's of course not bothered. If he seems to feel ok, not too tired and I decide to start something he will usually be happy to join in, but I want him to want me enough to start it! I don't want to feel he's humouring me.

I don't have any intention of separating - other than the above, we are "soul-mates". I don't want a fb. I can't give up work. How can i stop feeling jealous and just learn to accept a limited sex life ?

Last edited by Aitch; 06-12-2011 at 08:09 PM. Reason: realised something wasn't clear
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-12-2011, 09:31 PM
TheBlackSwede's Avatar
TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 150
Default

I'm not sure humans have the capacity to easily accept the notion of a "limited sex life", especially when surrounded by others who are being frequently satisfied, without severe psychological (and probably even hormonal) damage.

The first time I was with another woman after I married my wife (she knew about it, and gave me the "go-ahead"), I felt terribly cheap and dirty afterwards. I was harboring the notion that it was wrong and that I was hurting her by doing it. I may have hurt her by doing it, which didn't help things. I dealt with guilt and self-anger for quite awhile after that. Now, I don't feel cheap, I don't feel like I'm hurting her, and I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong. We're open, honest, caring, and supportive of each other and what we do, but it wasn't an instant transition. That being said, the change in my own mindset about it was what enabled me to really enjoy sex with another person, even have feelings for her.

I don't know if changing your mindset is going to work for you, but you have needs, and they're not being met. I'd suggest finding a way to meet those needs, rather than trying to find a way to not have the needs in the first place, because over the last 3,000 or so years of recorded history, we seem to have very little luck at that as a species.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-12-2011, 09:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,289
Default

A few things. First of all your SO isn't really polyamorous if he isn't engaged in multiple loving relationships and all he has are fuck buddies. Furthermore, it isn't polyamory if you and he didn't agree to it, and all his fuck buddies don't know he's in a long-term relationship and fucking other people. He's just cheating with your knowledge. And it seems he lies to you quite frequently. This is not ethical non-monogamy.

Your needs aren't being met and both of you are not aligned in how to handle each other's sexual desires. In addition, you are not communicating well.

I think that some kind of therapy, for yourself or the both of you, might help to at least get you two talking and on the same page as far as cultivating mutual respect for each other. Another way might be for you two to try swinging, but I'm not sure about that -- it doesn't seem like your SO has much respect for you or your relationship, from what you've posted here. You'd probably need a stronger foundation for that.

Actually, I suggest you get yourself another relationship where your needs are met. I'm not talking fuck buddy, I'm talking about a caring, loving relationship -- now that is poly!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-12-2011 at 09:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-13-2011, 12:47 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi there Aitch,

I'll second NYC's suggestion about seeing if you can't find a FB yourself that you connect with.

Secondly, I think I'd investigate what turns him on now (because it may have changed) and analyze where I'm not meeting that spec. This isn't an easy thing because it opens us up to parts of ourself we might not want to see. But there's really no alternative if you hope to reconnect on a passionate level.

Sexual attraction is really a terribly complex thing. A lot plays into it and some of it is hard to define. But we recognize it when we see it - or don't see it. And it's especially difficult for two people who care about each other to just say "I'm not that into you sexually anymore (or right now). So we often times have to try to discover the "whys" in a round-about way. If we can discover something - we may or may not be able or willing to do anything to change it ! But at least we know and can try to work at it in some ways.

Maybe try to get him more comfortable with telling you some VERY detailed info about his sex with others. Clues can come out during those types of discussions. And even getting closer from those discussions can improve things. The more he truly believes you are comfortable - maybe even a little excited -about his sexual side, the more you might find yourselves coming together.

But still, finding someone else that's more into you is a good move. Takes the pressure off everyone.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-13-2011, 05:24 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I have to disagree with the writers above about finding a lover of your own. It sounds like that is not what you want, and if that's true it won't help a thing. If I understand correctly, the problem is not only of you not getting enough sex but of not getting enough sex from your partner.

Also, I think the cheating&lying-finding out-"giving permission" -pattern you have going on is way more troubling. It really doesn't sound like your husband respects you very much. He lies to you and treats you not like a equal partner but like a mother or basically somebody who is out to spoil his fun. You write that other than these problems he is very good partner for you. Does this mean that the disrespect for you only exists in this area of your lives? If this is so, then the best thing to do would propably be for you both (especially him! but he must be willing to do the work) to explore why this pattern of behaviour continues. And if it is something he might be willing to change (thus far doesn't seem like it).
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-13-2011, 09:11 PM
Aitch Aitch is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 4
Default

Thank you everyone.

nycindie I guess I may be confusing the term FB. He certainly loves the others and has loved most of them in the past. He is actually a very loving natured person. They seem to love him too - and they SAY they think a lot of me. I find htat hard to believe... maybe I am wrong but I assume they MUST be looking down on me, thinking I am inadequate for him to be needing them. I on the other hand couldn't contemplate actually loving anyone else but him - tbh the thought scares me. I don't want the baggage of another person's emotions.

GroundedSpirit when we do have sex it's fine... no not stunningly earth-shattering, but pretty good and satisfying enough and there is variety. The biggest issue is the infrequency which is often to do with him being tired when we are together and because he's well-satisfied elsewhere it just doesn't seem to occur to him that I might be feeling in need.

rory yes the lying, treating me a bit like a parent who'll spoil his fun is a salient observation. And yes that's the only area where there is a problem. He regularly takes me to lunch, offers to shop, cook tea etc. If I am ill, he is super-attentive. I enjoy his company very much and I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. He tells me frequently that he loves me and would do anything for me.... In the past when things have come to a head and re-settled down, we've spent a period of time with either me knowing what's going on or with him claiming to have "given it up"... but of course it is only until next time he finds someone new.

This is why I think maybe it is me that needs to change? Apart from this one area, things are good. I need to deal with my frustration and the resultant jealousy that someone else is getting what I want! I think if there was someone I could be open with and talk to it'd help. I don't have any close friends, certainly not any who I could tell as they'd all be so shocked and the revelation would almost certainly cause major ructions in our social life, and that'd benefit nobody, least of all me.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-13-2011, 10:20 PM
TheBlackSwede's Avatar
TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 150
Default

Yeaaah, you DEFINITELY need a good lover. I know the thought scares you, but what specifically about it scares you? What's the root of that fear?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:30 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aitch View Post
. . . he lies about new fb's then I find evidence, we row, I forgive him . . . I have a lifetime of covering for him to other people and to some of his fb's who've suspected they aren't the "only one". . .

He currently has 2 fbs and has denied having another who hasn't been discussed (but he's been there before). I don't have the energy for a challenge - it wouldn't be pleasant & would have no positive benefit.

He is actually a very loving natured person.
All the things you stated which I have bolded would prove otherwise. Lying to you and fucking around without an agreement between you, and lying to the other people he's fucking, are not what a very loving person would do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aitch View Post
I assume they MUST be looking down on me, thinking I am inadequate for him to be needing them. I on the other hand couldn't contemplate actually loving anyone else but him - tbh the thought scares me. I don't want the baggage of another person's emotions.

. . . when we do have sex it's fine... no not stunningly earth-shattering, but pretty good and satisfying enough and there is variety. The biggest issue is the infrequency which is often to do with him being tired when we are together and because he's well-satisfied elsewhere it just doesn't seem to occur to him that I might be feeling in need.
Again, all indicative of someone who is more abusive than loving. It seems he has worn you down and you have convinced yourself that the crumbs he throws your way aren't so bad, not his fault, and that maybe there's something wrong with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aitch View Post
. . . the lying, treating me a bit like a parent who'll spoil his fun is a salient observation. And yes that's the only area where there is a problem. He regularly takes me to lunch, offers to shop, cook tea etc. If I am ill, he is super-attentive. . . . He tells me frequently that he loves me and would do anything for me . . . but of course it is only until next time he finds someone new.
How nice that he feeds you and makes sure you have groceries... and convinced you that that is enough. Really, it's like he's turned you into a pet -- as long as he keeps your water bowl and food dish full, he's trained you into being faithful. You make so many excuses for him, but what you have written about here paints a picture of someone who puts his own desires before everything else and does not respect you in the least.

How would he react if you told him you were quitting or changing jobs to be with him in the daytime? His need for "daytime dalliances" is just an excuse.

His cheating is not the only problem, as I see it!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-14-2011 at 01:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:53 AM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

I have to agree with NYC.

It sounds like this man has, through years of emotional betrayal and abuse (and yes, that's what it is) transitioned you from loving wife to obedient but unwitting slave.

Any man who is under the delusion that all he need do is keep a woman physically safe from starvation and with a place to sleep and yet thinks he should still be able to expect unlimited loyalty, forgiveness, and care taking, is just that: DELUSIONAL.

You are worth so much more than that kind of treatment.

How do you really think he would react if you told him you were going to see other men, and then followed through? What if you informed him that he was not important enough to you to do more than make sure he gets an occasional good meal? What if you said "honey, I'm bored with you. I need a nighttime dalliance.". How would he really react? I sincerely doubt it would even resemble "that's great honey! I am glad to see you are a strong, beautiful, independant woman who makes her own choices!"
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-14-2011, 02:27 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aitch View Post
Am in stable 30+ year old marriage.

SO has always been poly (now I know the word for it!) & I've known ever since 3 months before wedding. General process is he lies about new fb's then I find evidence, we row, I forgive him - but he never seems to feel he's done anything wrong. I have a lifetime of covering for him to other people and to some of his fb's who've suspected they aren't the "only one".
Fucking around is not poly. He can have all the fuck buddies in the world and that doesn't qualify as poly--he'd have to have actual honest, loving relationships to be poly. Poly also requires acting in an ethical fashion, so lying about his fuck buddies means that he's nothing other than a garden-variety cheater.

You've been doing nothing but enabling his bad behavior, too. My question is this: why have you spent years enabling him only to complain about it now?

And if you're serious about not liking what he's doing, are you actually prepared to do something about it?

If you want more of his attention, then ask for it. If he doesn't give it to you, then you can walk away. If you're going to stay whether the relationship meets your needs or not, then there's truly nothing that can be done to improve your position.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, dishonesty

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:00 PM.