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Old 06-12-2011, 03:50 PM
PussNBoots PussNBoots is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 20
Default New to everything. Sex, relationships, poly

So, where to begin? I guess I'll start with my back story. So for most of my life I have always been the shy nerdy guy. I only worked up the courage to ask women out once in a blue moon. Add to that the fact that I grew up in a highly conservative religious environment where any deviation from a strict "no sex before marriage" policy was seen as sinful (even if it just occurred in your thought life). Masturbation was a sin. Lusting after a woman was a sin. Thinking naughty thoughts about her was a sin, etc. So because of a combination of the two I never even experienced my first kiss until age 30 (just under a year ago). The closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend was a girl I dated for a couple of months when I was 15 who pulled me over one day saying "we need to talk" and gave me the "let's just be friends" talk. The most we ever did physically was hold hands. In college I spent a lonely several years (nearly a decade) without a single date.

It was also during college and grad school that I went through a rather lengthy process of questioning the religious beliefs I was raised with and at the end of the process I did a complete 180 and am now an atheist, as of about 4 years ago. During that time my beliefs about sex and sexuality changed too. I stopped feeling guilty about masturbation, watched a lot of porn, eventually got bored with mainstream porn, and started exploring the world of kink online. In this past year I had a couple of one-night stands with some women I was friends with, and each time I was really hoping it would turn into a relationship, but the women felt differently about it and broke it off. I am still friends with them. But it was difficult to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. I felt like for a brief time I got to experience what it is like for people in relationships--the tender kisses and hugs, looking into your lover's eyes with abandon, the warmth of their body against yours, and sex. I only wish it could have lasted longer.

So why I am here, you may ask? Well, a couple of months ago at a rave party I met a married woman who asked if I knew what polyamory was, and I admitted I'd read about it, but never actually met someone who was. As it turned out she and her husband were in a polyamorous relationship. It was interesting and I talked to the both of them for a while in a "get to know you" kind of way. When I saw her again a couple of weeks later at another rave she pulled me aside from the party, kissed me, and said she'd really, really like to go on a date with me, and asked me if I was OK with that. I said I would be fine with it but I wanted to talk with her husband first about it to make sure we were all on the same page.

As it turned out, that first date never happened. She had to cancel once because she was exhausted from other obligations she was busy with, and also preparing for a fetish convention that she was one of the leaders of. As it turned out, I was going to that exact same fetish convention! We ended up kissing again at the convention, and I asked her when I might see her again, and that was when she told me that she wasn't so sure if things were going to work out with me. She has several men all wanting to date her, has already been on dates with a couple of them, and she said that I seemed kind of fragile and she didn't want to date me unless she could devote a fair amount of time to me, which she can't right now. ( As to the "fragile" comment--I'm still trying to figure out a good way to tell a woman about my lonely inexperienced past without scaring her away, sigh! )

At the time I felt hurt and confused, like I had been led on. Of course, rationally I don't believe that it was actually her intention to lead me on, but emotionally it was still hard on me.

That experience also has me now seriously considering the question "Am I polyamorous?" If that answer is "yes", it will affect the kind of relationships I seek out. I also don't know how one normally reveals that to someone when you first start dating them, and I'd like to have thought about it beforehand if I should find myself in a position to date someone again.

This past year has been a journey for me of trying to figure out my own sexual identity. So much has changed in terms of my belief system, and me finally starting to overcome my own shyness, going to fetish conventions and wearing a spandex catsuit in public (I would have never dreamed I would have been daring enough to do that!), and exploring the world of alternative sexuality. In a way I feel like I've lived in a dream world for most of my life (and not a good dream, a very lonely isolated dream), and I just woke up from it.
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