Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc. General Discussion

[RenegadeOfFunk]

So my husband is not the jealous type at all. He is very happy that I am happy. A concern recently came up... he is out of town right now and knows that I am spending the weekend with my boyfriend. He started to realize that he is jealous of me sleeping in the bed with my boyfriend at night because that was previously something only my husband and I shared. I am trying to find ways of helping him deal with this, but I am at a loss for words. I told him that I love him and that he is amazing and it doesn't mean I am going to love my boyfriend more or my husband less. Anyone have and advice to help me with this situation??? It would be much appreciated.

[Andy]

Hello everyone,
My nickname is Chris, I am not a native English speaker therefore I immediately apologise for the possible mistakes you may be finding as you read. I have been in a homosexual monogamous relationship for 3 years. I and my partner are really open-minded, we do not believe in marriage and in monogamy but, despite this, we currently do not have any real intention of practicing poliamory. He is 9 years older than me, so he has experienced sex much more than I did. For this reason he happens to talk to me about the fact that we sometimes should think about and analise what makes us so "monogamous". We claim to be open-minded and free from social schemes but we have never had one night stands or occasional sex. The problem now is that even though I do not believe in monogamy I still cannot get rid of the cultural heritage of the catholic society I come from and, even though I try not to show it, I am a very jealous boyfriend. He always says: "if we were not so hypochondriac and unsociable we would have experienced occasional sex. Because I happened to be willing to try.".
I denied to be interested in one night stands and the image of him being even only attracted by other men disturbs me deeply. I am generally a very insicure person. I try to fight this feeling through rational thinking but a deep and unconscious jealousy overtakes me and obsesses my dreams. I had lots of nightmares on this issue. I know I should probably see a psychologist but I think that here I could find people who can understand the reason why I want to fight against my unconsciuos, deep jealousy better and will not only tell me: "a little bit of jealousy is just normal! Do not worry about it!" And I also do not want to prevent me from experiencing my sexual life differently because of this feeling. I do not want to live the lie of "I love you only and I feel not attracted by anyone else".

[Andy]

"My nickname is Andy"

[River]

Can we eradicate jealousy?

No. We cannot.

But we can make him our friend, and thereby get to know him well. And in coming to know and understand him well, we will likely find that his fear is insubstantial and unreal -- an illusion, a hoax, a fraud, an imposter.

When we go on the offensive, on the attack, against our feeling-thoughts, we alienate some part of us that wants to be understood, and, perhaps, tranformed. Or healed, even. So make friends with your jealousy. Take him out for lunch or tea.
Sit quietly and listen to him, and gently speak with him. Often. Ask him what he is afraid of, and why. Get to know him very well and shower him with love and affection--, and he may change his mind about you and your life.

[Andy]

Thanks for these brilliant lines of awareness.

[River]

You're very welcome! May your heart ever open into its natural beauty, joy and freedom. May its glow touch the world with these qualities of the awakening heart.

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by River

Can we eradicate jealousy?

No. We cannot.

But we can make him our friend, and thereby get to know him well. And in coming to know and understand him well, we will likely find that his fear is insubstantial and unreal -- an illusion, a hoax, a fraud, an imposter.

I like it that jealousy is a "he" in your post River since so often people in popular culture ascribe it to women

I'm sure this point has already been brought up countless times, but there's the flipside to the jealous person. I'm not inclined toward jealousy and have found my lack of it to be an issue even in poly relationships. Just as we work toward understanding jealous feelings, we also need to work on understanding our need for them. That is, why we might feel upset if our SO *isn't* acting jealous. We're also conditioned to interpret jealousy as a way of showing how much we care for the other person, as twisted as that is...

[River]

Originally Posted by Chimera

Just as we work toward understanding jealous feelings, we also need to work on understanding our need for them. That is, why we might feel upset if our SO *isn't* acting jealous. We're also conditioned to interpret jealousy as a way of showing how much we care for the other person, as twisted as that is...

This is a very good and valuable point! I was just thinking that same thought while making breakfast. Indeed, probably most people in our culture/s conceive the complete absense of jealousy toward their beloved as a lack of genuine love!

We're talking about a radically differing paradigm here, and one that most people are probably quite clueless about.

To monogamous people, very often, we poly folk are conceived as shallow, empty, bankrupt, inauthentic, lacking in real love.... We're thought to be failures, selfish, broken people.

But the poly experience has done nothing but show me how big and wide my authentic heart is! I'm experiencing poly as pure joy and love.

Sometimes, my joy almost hurts it is so intense. And the joy is not focussed on any one person, but focussed on my own natural, awakening heart. Ultimately, I love everyone, everything. Discovering this in a bigger way each day overspills me with love and joy.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by RenegadeOfFunk

So my husband is not the jealous type at all. He is very happy that I am happy. A concern recently came up... he is out of town right now and knows that I am spending the weekend with my boyfriend. He started to realize that he is jealous of me sleeping in the bed with my boyfriend at night because that was previously something only my husband and I shared. I am trying to find ways of helping him deal with this, but I am at a loss for words. I told him that I love him and that he is amazing and it doesn't mean I am going to love my boyfriend more or my husband less. Anyone have and advice to help me with this situation??? It would be much appreciated.

I realize this is an old message, but I had some thoughts on it anyway, LOL...

I think sometimes we aren't jealous in theory, or at all, until something comes up and we realize it bothers us. There are a lot of ways to deal with it, but seeing as it just came up right now and you two are long distance, perhaps you can find ways to get around it for now, and then talk about it when you two are together and figure out where the jealousy is coming from, and if or how you can both deal with it. Some people have certain things that they retain as just "theirs"... whether that be their family bed, or pet names or whatever. Some don't. That's something you'd need to decide with your husband. Maybe, for now, sleeping together in the family bed is something you don't do. Maybe you never do, or maybe after a while your husband will realize it doesn't bother him.

I think while we all know intellectually some things "shouldn't" bother us, sometimes they do and I don't see anything wrong with taking something off the table for a bit so that someone can work through whatever it is and adjust. You have been reassuring him, and that's fabulous. But maybe taking this one issue off the table briefly will be more reassuring to him. Assuring him that you take his feelings into consideration and won't just do what you want regardless of how he feels. From experience, doing this one thing can go MILES towards making someone feel reassured that their feelings are important and makes it easier to work through them and let them go. I know that for myself, if I feel like no matter what I feel my hubs will do whatever he wants, I feel less valued, less cared for, and in the end it makes it harder for me to feel secure in our relationship enough to work through tough feelings.

Of course, this only works when the partner is being honest, open and really trying to work through things and not using their feelings as a weapon to get you to feel bad (which I'm assuming isnt' the case here).

[Fiona]

My husband and I are each seeing someone right now, and those people are also seeing others. Right now I'm having a hard time of it, though. My husband wants to start dating a second person, and it's a lot more difficult for me to accept than I'd thought. I am very much an introvert, shy around new people, and have just begun to be very comfortable with my boyfriend. My husband, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend are all much more outgoing/gregarious people, and I'm just...not. I rarely make the sort of deep connection that makes me want to date someone. I have been feeling left out and lonely recently. Tonight, my husband is out with his girlfriend and I'm just sad. Not jealous exactly - I really like her and am glad that she makes him happy - but I feel sort of unimportant and alone.

I'm also feeling insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend - he recently broke things off with another person, and to be honest, I would've expected him to be having that conversation with me. He is very sweet, but sometimes I just don't understand what he sees in me.

My husband is amazing and very attentive to our relationship and my feelings, but I can't help feeling this way. I want to be happier, I want to see things in a positive light...but right now I'm just sad and lonely. This isn't rational at all, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I've never really felt like this before. Help?