Husband crossed boundary and now I'm hurt and don't know what to do

[nycindie]

Heck, my new beau asked me to email a pic of my vibrator (no clue why) and I refused.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Heck, my new beau asked me to email a pic of my vibrator (no clue why) and I refused.

LOL I've done that too (a whole bunch of them!)

[Overthinker]

To begin with, our marriage was actually at one of the best places it could be when we all started this and it has strengthened since. We've been married almost 12 years and together for 17. Even taking in consideration what this post is is all about, our communication and openness is the best it has ever been and we feel that we can be more of who we truly are with each other. Since this is all still fairly new we do continually have to work on jealously issues from time to time as well as all the other things that come with poly such as time management issues, etc.

I know I shouldn't snoop but I did and I can't take it back. There have been several triggers over the past couple months that make me think that he and his gf haven't been following some boundaries and I have found some of my suspicions to be true. Simple things such as she calling my husband while she was on vacation out of state with her husband and family even though her husband specifically asked her not too. I know that there are underlying issues and I've really had a hard time trusting her and of course she influences my husband in their relationship and it just trickles down. My husband's gf doesn't work in the summer so she now has a lot of time on her hands. The other three of us work during the day but my husband's schedule is pretty flexible. Needless to say this happened the first day she was off. I have really tried to let their relationship take it where ever they want it to go and strive for compersion but I have to admit I have good days and bad days.

I don't know what triggered me to look today but it was just a feeling. I try to respect his privacy but sometimes I feel that he is just hiding things from me. I have told him at any time that he can grab my cell phone and go through it because I have nothing to hide from him. But he refuses me to look at anything he may be sending or receiving. It just makes me very curious what he is hiding. He can be so honest most of the time and with all of this there is no reason to hide any thing.

As for sending pics and what not, I am aware of what the consequences could be. We try not to make it a habit and everything is done by cell. But sometimes its a way to stay connected and keep things fun .

Thanks again for all the input.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Overthinker

I have told him at any time that he can grab my cell phone and go through it because I have nothing to hide from him. But he refuses me to look at anything he may be sending or receiving. It just makes me very curious what he is hiding. He can be so honest most of the time and with all of this there is no reason to hide any thing.

I don't overstep any boundaries we have, but if Indigo asked to look through my correspondence, I would be annoyed and insulted.

So, that behaviour alone isn't necessarily reason for suspicion.

[Overthinker]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

I don't overstep any boundaries we have, but if Indigo asked to look through my correspondence, I would be annoyed and insulted.

So, that behaviour alone isn't necessarily reason for suspicion.

And I agree that it isn't in itself a reason to be suspicious. And I haven't ever asked or demanded to see things. He has told me that he doesn't want me to see. I just wish he was more open and could just lay everything out on the table. It's not like I want to know every little detail about their relationship, believe me when I say that. I just don't want there to be secrets or boundaries crossed.

Thanks.

[TL4everu2]

I have no issues with LT reading my texts or e-mails. Why? Because I have broken boundaries in the past. So I have a track record of being naughty. She is within her rights to be suspicious. It helps to keep me honest, and in MY mind, I deserve that. LT rarely ever checks up on me anymore though. But I haven't given her any reason to, in the last few years, either. So I've learned my lesson and have kept EVERYTHING above the board.

So, did your hubby have a track record of breaking the boundaries? If not, then WHY were you snooping? (not that it was "wrong" of you)

Also, Keep an open mind, and gently let him know that you know about it. You keeping silent about that, is almost as bad as him doing it.

Just my 2 cents.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Overthinker

We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first)

I on the other hand found out that this happened from doing little snooping............................ He would flip out if he knew how I found out and I haven't told him that I know about it.

My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own.

So I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not.

I want to trust him and not be snooping around but finding things like this don't help out at all.

After some time in relationship dynamics that are more than about two people, having secondaries can get tiring. The rules and boundaries become a ball and chain rather than a pillar of primary relationship strength. Actually, such as in cases like yours, they become a burden and even damaging.

You shouldn't of snooped but asked to see about changing the boundaries, he shouldn't of broken a boundary but should of asked it to be changed. Really, all of you should have privacy within your relationships by the sounds of it. It's time I think.

He might never of sent you a video like that, but you have a different relationship with him. He feels comfortable sending stuff to her. Either you can snoop and pry and get your feelings hurt around that but know about it, or leave it alone and build more trust and confidence that you like such videos. Which do you think is a better choice?

Ya, you are being petty, at least that is how I would feel in your situation. Now he will be angry with you and you are already hurt... I think you should keep it to yourself and not do it again... let go of the boundary (actually that is more of a rule or an agreement as there is no negotiating, you either do it or you don't) and tell him he can send all the dirty pictures he wants. Give him his freedom and likely you will have yours as well.

All the stuff about who is meeting when and for how long or whatever, I would get that out too.... more boundaries that are not functioning for you any more. Time to spring clean no? Renegotiate some new boundaries and get on it quicker next time, before you feel forced to snoop. Boundaries are to be discussed, not policed I think.

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

Were my wife to go snooping in my email/phone/whatever, that's when I know it would be time to leave.

Yup, me too. I would find it very hard to tolerate anyone that snoops on me. Even a partner. I have very little privacy as it is and what is mine to keep as private, is mine. If I find out anyone is looking at my stuff I would be very angry. I have nothing to hide, but it is a matter of principle. Everyone deserves privacy and the right to have their own things going on and own space.

If a partner or anyone else where interested in what goes on for me I would expect them to ask and give me the curtousy of telling them everything. I like to show people my stuff, it makes me feel like they care about me and are interested in my life. If I knew they snooped that would not equal caring, that would equal lack of trust.

I can understand your concern about him breaking boundaries and not telling you everything, but seriously, the boundaries you have would make me not be able to breath at the point you all seem to be at. They are like a list of rules that suit you and not him...

Boundaries are better as an agreed upon fluid list of general agreements that are not set in stone, but known and understood as common values... such as considering what the others feelings/plans are before making plans together, considering what someone is doing before calling them (at their parents? Don't call), considering that the person might need a check in (on holiday? make a call when you get a chance to let them know you care)... that kind of thing. Mostly around empathy.

Boundaries are not one sided and suit one person. Those are rules I think. They are meant to be for everyone. If someone agrees to something that is not going to work for them, then they shouldn't agree and the negotiation needs to continue.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Yup, me too. I will no tolerate anyone that snoops on me. Even a partner. I have very little privacy as it is and what is mine to keep as private, is mine. If I find out anyone is looking at my stuff I would be very angry. I have nothing to hide, but it is a matter of principle. Everyone deserves privacy and the right to have their own things going on and own space.

Ditto...!!!

[nycindie]

My marriage was never perfect but one thing we always gave each other was privacy. Even if I told my hubs to go into my handbag to get something out of it, he would bring it to me instead because he didn't feel comfortable looking inside, even with my permission. He still has boxes of stuff here, which I know are old photographs, letters, and whatnot (only because I've seen him go through them), but I haven't ever snooped.

If I had issues with something or suspected him of anything (which actually rarely happened after the first year), I would ask him what was going on. The only thing he ever hid from me, quite well I might add, was the depth of his unhappiness in the last two years of our marriage. And I think I must've known because I would think about asking to talk to him and then stopped myself, I guess so I wouldn't have to hear the painful truth.

But I know he was trustworthy in so many ways, a stand-up guy, and therefore I also totally trust that he never cheated on me or did anything dastardly. I know in my heart there was never any reason to distrust him. We communicated pretty well until the end, and my point is just that there was never any need to snoop in over ten years because trust goes a long way. I think a lot of that went hand in hand with giving each other privacy and space.

[stargazer23]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

I'd suggest worrying more about your snooping and the issues driving it. And then figure out how to apologize to him.

Then you can worry about him sending videos to his OSO.

Were my wife to go snooping in my email/phone/whatever, that's when I know it would be time to leave.

I agree with this. Everyone is entitled to feel like a free and private human being regardless of whether they have something to hide or not.

Overthinker, I'm having a hard time empathizing with your being upset about the naughty video--that doesn't make it invalid, it's just that from my vantage point, the relationship he has with his OSO is different from yours and therefore, the dynamic is arranged to satisfy different needs. If every relationship dynamic were the same, we'd all have few reasons to embrace poly and love would be fucking boring.

Maybe he just doesn't feel in the naughty video way with you...but YOU are sharing things that OSO can not.

I'm not you and I don't have a lot of experience but I would let go of the "me first" vid rule and try to figure out how to satisfy or address what ever need you have that would alleviate your discomfort with letting it go.