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Old 06-09-2011, 08:45 PM
Overthinker Overthinker is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 13
Default Husband crossed boundary and now I'm hurt and don't know what to do

Hi, just like a lot of others here, I have been lurking for a while but have never posted. But of course I have a dilema and would like some other opinions on it. Let's begin with some background. My husband and I have been in a quad relationship for about 7 months now with another married couple that we have been friends with for almost 2 years. Things of course have had their ups and downs and we are just trying to live this day by day.

My issue today is that I found out that my husband broke a boundary that we had and I feel very hurt by it. We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first) and at least asked or notified each other when we do send something like that to our OSO's. Well I found out today that he sent a very explicit video to his gf yesterday and never sent it to me. And to top things off it was a type of video that he hasn't sent to me EVER, even though I have asked him to in the past and recently. I sent him a general text today asking if we still had the boundary about the pics and he called me shortly later. I asked him about the boundary and he told me that he would just like to know if I send my bf a sexual pic but he didn't care about it. I asked him if he would keep his part of the bargain and he said of course and that he had just been too busy lately to send me anything when I commented I haven't gotten anything fun from him in a while. So I feel that I gave him a way to admit that he sent her that video but he didn't.

I on the other hand found out that this happened from doing little snooping I did which I know I shouldn't be doing. I should just trust that what ever their relationship is and that it is theirs. He would flip out if he knew how I found out and I haven't told him that I know about it. I also discovered that before he called me about it he called his gf right before that, for whatever reason, but it was probably to tell her what I texted and asking her what to do about it.

My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own. Little things like we don't have to ask permission to go to lunch with our OSO's and don't necessarily have to mention if we have a drink with them after work or if they stop by the house for a few while the other spouse isn't home. So I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not. I just feel hurt that he didn't fess up and that he didn't send it to me and he sent it to her when he has never done anything like that before. I want to trust him and not be snooping around but finding things like this don't help out at all.

Any ideas or advice would help out a lot. Thanks
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Tags
boundaries, dishonesty, quad, snooping, trust

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