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  #21  
Old 06-07-2011, 10:01 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So plodding through work, LOL. Hubs is at the tattoo place getting his new one finished up, the GF drove him (he doesn't have a car). I think she's staying overnight, but maybe not. They both have to work early in the a.m. so I'm not sure. I decided it doesn't matter, so i'm not going to worry about it.

I also was thinking this weekend when hubs was out with her, that I think I'm over the "asking if it's okay" thing with them doing stuff. I didn't initiate it, hubs did, I think to make sure we do things the right way this time, in the way it hasn't been done in the past. If he was here, yeah, checking on a date/time would be needed because we'd have our own plans/parenting issues/all that stuff. But with him there and me here, it's not needed, and I don't think I "need" it in the psychological/emotional sense. In fact, it feels wierd to me-- like he needs permission from me.

Since he's finally kind of working on having only one other relationship besides ours and working on BOTH of them, LOL, it's not like he's introducing a new person or situation anymore. So I really think that he should just be able to set up times to be with her and then just let me know (I do think I still need that for now). I'm gonna wait a couple of days and see how it sits, but that's the way my brain is heading. I just want to be sure about it before I talk to him.

On other news, I got a message on OKC from a guy that seems interesting. We may meet up in the next week or two, we'll see.

The last guy didn't end up working out... basically he started to text a bit too often for my taste (I'd like to see if we are compatible first), and sent me some pics of him which looked COMPLETELY different than the one semi-blocked out pic he had on the site. I've realized I really do have to see a few pictures of someone to see if I get a feeling. I don't have a lot of "requirements" in the looks department, and I have a very wide range of what I consider attractive, but I do have to get some sort of "I'm attracted to this person" vibe. So no more guys with no pictures. LOL.

Oh, and as extra added fun my phone froze up and I had to reboot it and I lost all my contacts/pictures/etc. Most of the pictures I have saved, so I'm okay, but not my contacts. Note to self-- back up your darn phone!! Anyway, so I'm trying to piece together all of my friends numbers. I'm sure there are a few I wn't have until they call me, and some I may never have because it's been so long since I've talked to them. I guess maybe it's time to move on in some ways!
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  #22  
Old 06-09-2011, 09:36 AM
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...and sent me some pics of him which looked COMPLETELY different than the one semi-blocked out pic he had on the site. I've realized I really do have to see a few pictures of someone to see if I get a feeling.
Me too, and people often look very different IRL to their pics. It's all that darn Photoshopping going on! I, for one, don't photograph well. I have a very expressive face and the whole 'freezed moment of reality' thing that pics do doesn't do it justice.

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I guess maybe it's time to move on in some ways!
Definitely the universe is trying to tell you something there . I've had my phonebook deleted a few times, and it's annoying, but also a good measure of how often you actually communicate with certain people. Those people that really matter tend to call/text pretty fast anyway.
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  #23  
Old 06-09-2011, 02:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Me too, and people often look very different IRL to their pics. It's all that darn Photoshopping going on! I, for one, don't photograph well. I have a very expressive face and the whole 'freezed moment of reality' thing that pics do doesn't do it justice.
I'm the same way. I'm much better in three dimensions than two...

So hubs and I had a little bump in the road last night. He was talking about going out with his GF this weekend to do something and I just realized I needed a freaking break. He's only been going out with her for a month and she's only been in the equation for 6 weeks and I realized I've spent half or most of every weekend for the past month working on dealing with my issues and feelings while they were out together. I just need ONE weekend to just BE. Without having to do the emotional/mental work. So I told him that and he was ok with it but disappointed and I just got a little mad. I feel like I'm working my ass off over here so he can have the life he wants and I'm really not getting anything out of it (yet). I know that he loves me more and has those feelings but he's 3,000 miles away so I don't get to actually BENEFIT from any of it and while it's good work and necessary work it's still freaking HARD DAMN WORK. And sometimes it's exhausting. Dealing with my feelings and emotions and making sure I'm not vomiting it all over him is not easy and sometimes I feel like the better I do it the more he thinks it's easy and the more he pushes the boundaries.

In some ways I feel like he's spoiled because I do all of this stuff and he doesn't have to. I know someday he will... and he says he's thought about it and worked through it and thinks it won't be a big deal when it's me going out there. Frankly I think from my personal experience that you end up feeling a lot of shit you don't expect when REALITY happens, not just a projection of what you think it mlight be like. I am experiencing a lot of stuff I never dreamed I would... and my guess is that he will, too, but since he's never had to go through it at all he has this rosy picture of how it will be. Maybe it will really be easier for him... I know that everybody is different and he doesn't see things the same way I do. I just think he's a little naive about it, which worries me because I think he's going to have a harder time with it than he thinks and it's going to catch him off-guard.

Anyway, so he's going to take this weekend off. I feel crappy about the whole thing, though...
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  #24  
Old 06-09-2011, 03:12 PM
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Blech. I, for one, think having a weekend off when you are not constantly living in your head and worrying about stuff sounds good.

So hubs and the New Girl have a lot of NRE going on?
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  #25  
Old 06-09-2011, 03:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Yes they do. And i am happy for them. It just seems like im not getting anything out of the deal for all the work im putting in. And the one time i ask for a break its like im pooping on the party. I still feel like shit today because i feel like im in this alone. The distance thing really bites.
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  #26  
Old 06-09-2011, 08:19 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So we got.a chance to text a little today. I think he gets it a little more today. I think trying to do all of this long distance is just hard. I dont get any time with him i dont get the hugs and kisses and sex. No rewards just he promise of them at a future date. Its hard for me because i really need touch and affection to feel loved and doing without that is hard enough but add in someone else getting it while im not and it just bites.

He wants her and i to talk maybe in email about allmof this. I want to but i feel so negative right now and i dont want to vomit that onto her. I just keepnthinking that the man she knows and is in a relationship with is not the man ive known for the past 5 or 6 years. Hes made all of these great changes and i havent really gotten to benefit from it yet. Sort of but not really i really wish we had gotten a chance to get out shit together and spend time together with all of the good changea before i had to jump through these hoops. And since they have such limited time together (only until the end of august when he comes home) i didnt and dont feel i can say no. But i also dont know how to work through these things without getting the touch and tue hugs and the good stuff. :-(
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  #27  
Old 06-10-2011, 05:32 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Okay, so a little more mental work done today.

I realized one thing about myself today and one thing about what's going on with me lately. Hubs and I had discussed that he tends to be self-centered in that he pushes for the most he can get all of the time and he doesn't like to not be able to do what he wants (i.e. having to change what he wants due to me). Not that he won't do it, but he doesn't like it and part of our issue the other night was his reaction to me asking for a weekend off. I told him he doesn't have to act all rosy about it, but I need to be able to ask for what I need and not feel like I'm ruining things. Anyway, in thinking about him being kind of selfish (and knowing I need him to be a LITTLE less selfish and more considerate of my feelings), I realized that I am the exact opposite in a REALLY unhealthy way. As in, I think more about other people's feelings than my own and try to make them happy to the point where I don't take care of myself and sacrifice things I probably shouldn't. This extreme isn't healthy either.

I'm sure I'll discuss it with my therapist but mainly I just realized I need to start doing more self-care, and being firm with my boundaries, asking for the things I need and that's OK to do!! Hubs might push to get things he wants, but I am a big girl and I CAN say no, and that's fine too. These are concepts I need to work on for sure. Because right now I feel like I'm giving everybody what they want and making sure they're happy and in doing so I am not getting what I want/need.

I told hubs we need to meet closer to the middle, he and I.

And the thing I realized about my situation is... my class this month in school is emotionally draining the life out of me. It's a class in Relational Violence, so we're discussing Child abuse, molestation, rape, domestic abuse, elder abuse. Yay! :-( So twice a week it's five hours of horrible material and it's just sapping my emotional/mental strength, leaving me a lot less than my usual amount to deal with our relationship stuff. I know, I should have realized this, but duh! Anyway, I have this weekend to regroup and chill out and not do as much thinking, and the class is over in two weeks.

I like emotional/mental growth, but for goodness sakes it's exhausting and I need a break!!
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  #28  
Old 06-11-2011, 12:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Good for you, for realizing you're giving more than you should for your own well being... sounds like you and hubs should have some nice long talks on the phone this weekend, getting as much long distance quality time as you can, and some good ol' cyber-or-phone-sex to boot. You need some lovin,' some quality time, some flirting and romance and fun too! One of the most important rules for poly couples, imo, is to be attentive to the primary even when in NRE with the OSO! It's a Jedi mind trick to do it sometimes, but definitely beneficial for all concerned.

That course on domestic violence does sound hard to take and upsetting.
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  #29  
Old 06-12-2011, 07:54 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Good for you, for realizing you're giving more than you should for your own well being... sounds like you and hubs should have some nice long talks on the phone this weekend, getting as much long distance quality time as you can, and some good ol' cyber-or-phone-sex to boot. You need some lovin,' some quality time, some flirting and romance and fun too! One of the most important rules for poly couples, imo, is to be attentive to the primary even when in NRE with the OSO! It's a Jedi mind trick to do it sometimes, but definitely beneficial for all concerned.

That course on domestic violence does sound hard to take and upsetting.
We did get to talk for a long time yesterday which was good. The not good part was by the time we finally got a chance to do that I was deep in the midst of complete emotional shutdown. The numb, don't feel anything feeling from Thursday was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't feel happy or sad or really anything. My best guess is that all of the emotional upheavel in the past few months on top of the emotional stress over the past few years finally reached the point where my little brain decided it couldn't take anymore.

I like to think I'm so strong I will power through anything, and in a way I will-- but this was a big sign to me that I'm taking on too much emotionally and I need to slow that down. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to do that, though. I can't not go to school, can't not deal with work and kids and stuff, can't make life stop.

One thing hubs and I talked about last night was that I really need to find what makes ME happy. Not activities or stuff that is enjoyable and distracting, because I have some of those and they're fine, but they don't REALLY make me happy deep down, they just keep me busy. And thinking about it I'm not really sure what would make me happy because I've spent my whole life making other people my priority, or getting my happiness in being with them. It's a hard thing to realize about yourself, that I've on my own just made other people more important than my own desires and happiness.

I'm not even sure how to go about figuring out what that is... LOL. What I do know is that I need to get out of my head so much, I need to stop doing so much mental and emotional WORK, and I need to just relax and enjoy... something. LOL

I got to talk to hubs' GF last night as well and it was nice. I do like her a lot. She's a lot like hubs in the way that they're both very "here's who I am, love me or leave me"... totally opposite of me. But it did make me realize I need to work on my own confidence and happiness that isn't attached to ANYONE ELSE. I need to make decisions for myself without taking everyone else into consideration first. I need to say no more often, I need to say yes to myself more often.

I've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else, and while they let me they didn't ask me to do that. I think I thought I had to do that, because why else would anybody love me and stay with me. I don't believe that anymore. But I need to change my life so that it's revolving around myself for a while. Wish there was a manual on how to do that... LOL.
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  #30  
Old 06-12-2011, 08:02 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Oh, and the other thing I need to figure out for myself is getting my needs met because they're not. I'm too isolated, very lonely, not getting any sex (and sex with myself is fine, but not the same). My getting those needs met is my responsibility, but how to do that with my busy schedule full of responsibilities (because he's gone), is difficult. And he can't meet them because he's gone. And not letting the bitterness of not getting my needs met bleed all over their relationship is important. And sometimes difficult.
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