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  #11  
Old 10-06-2009, 11:42 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

To OP-you are already friends. If that friendship is as good as you deem it then he'll at least be able to come back around to discuss with you his feelings and from there WHO KNOWS?
He wrote me an email. He said he would be lying to me if he said he didn't have feelings for me too. He said he's felt guilty for having romantic feelings, and he had tried to deny them rationalizing men and women feel more affection for one another. He had sworn he'd never tell me (he's got great self-control), and even considered not writing me an email telling me the truth. He would never try to steal a buddy's girl, he says.

He also considers that a part of human nature is jealousy and competition, so with that in mind, he doesn't want to to adversely affect my relationship with my husband. And truth be told, I'm also afraid of how bad it may all end. He ended his email with, "I'm confused." So am I.

This guy isn't just a casual friend. He's a person I want to keep in my life, forever, if that's possible. He says that he already feels bad for his future wife (whoever she will be) because he and I will have a closer friendship. I also worry, what if my husband takes second place?
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  #12  
Old 10-06-2009, 11:56 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well my friend. Welcome to the poly world. Ha! And so it begins

Quick! Read up on NRE!

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  #13  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:50 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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You, your husband, and ths new guy - read up on the jealousy stuff. When Violet and I did - and we're not jealouse people like most! - it changed our respective outlooks DRAMATICALLY. Looking at jealousy from the new perspective of "jealousy isn't an issue, it;s a symptom - what's the issue?" before acting on it has changed me overnight. Gaining this perspective before entering into the complicated waters of poly relationships is invaluable.

When people who have thought in terms of traditional relationships (as defined for the ast few generations anyway) face soething like this, it's always confusing! Work it through, and decide where everyone stands. OPENLY AND 100% HONESTLY. It will take several of these "sessions" before things begin to take shape and the excitement sets in.

Your husband will never take 2nd place if your mind is right. For instance, Violet worried that Anne might become the love of my life at first - until I explained that even though equality is important in our situation, I will never be able to feel quite as much for Anne - much less more - as I do for her, because she (Violet) is the one who opened my eyes and allowed me to feel these things, allowed me to explore things with Anne, in a sense I see her as responsible to a small degree for all the joy and love that Anne and I share. That feelig and thought process carries a LOT of weight. People will say what they'll say about it, but I can recommend looking at everything about the relationship with this new man if it comes together) through the lens of how wonderful your husband is for understanding and not hindering - helping even! - this new development. The better things get with new guy, the sstronger your love for the person in your life who made it possible. Violet has now starte to experience this as she and Anne explore the very deep feelings developing between them, and she thanks me in gushes for bringing her into our lives - while all the while I'm saying no, it's you who let it grow and allowed me to feel it, thank YOU, and we BOTH feel this incredible gratitude and love for Anne for being open to the concept (COMPLETELY foreign to her) and willingness to follow her own feelings... While I thank Anne for opening up to her feelings about me and trusting in Violet and I to respect her position and heart, and Violet and Anne are thanking each other for being so understanding and respectful of each others feelings for ME... Around and around it goes, stronger with every orbit. It's a VERY powerful thing.

Last edited by HappiestManAlive; 10-07-2009 at 12:53 AM.
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  #14  
Old 10-07-2009, 01:07 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Your husband will never take 2nd place if your mind is right. For instance, Violet worried that Anne might become the love of my life at first - until I explained that even though equality is important in our situation, I will never be able to feel quite as much for Anne - much less more - as I do for her, because she (Violet) is the one who opened my eyes and allowed me to feel these things, allowed me to explore things with Anne, in a sense I see her as responsible to a small degree for all the joy and love that Anne and I share. That feelig and thought process carries a LOT of weight.
Just out of curiosity, does Anne know this in those terms?
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  #15  
Old 10-07-2009, 02:24 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Just out of curiosity, does Anne know this in those terms?

She does now.
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  #16  
Old 10-07-2009, 09:27 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Absolutely. And she knows the rest of it too - the part you chose not to quote, that includes her in the happiness/love/gratitude circle of increasing emotion and love.

Because it goes around like that, every increase in feeling for one results in an increase for the other, which results in an increase for the other, and back and forth and around. Nobody is loved "more" than ayone else - because when they are, we feel more lov for the ret through it. Nobody gets left out, averyone builds and builds. It's amazing.

Last night was a perfect example of this phenomanon; I truly feel sorry for people who don't have it.
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  #17  
Old 10-07-2009, 10:03 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Absolutely. And she knows the rest of it too - the part you chose not to quote, that includes her in the happiness/love/gratitude circle of increasing emotion and love.

Because it goes around like that, every increase in feeling for one results in an increase for the other, which results in an increase for the other, and back and forth and around. Nobody is loved "more" than ayone else - because when they are, we feel more lov for the ret through it. Nobody gets left out, averyone builds and builds. It's amazing.

Last night was a perfect example of this phenomanon; I truly feel sorry for people who don't have it.
I chose to quote the part I was trying to understand more. Didn't see it as necessary to quote the other stuff.

That's wonderful that you have that arrangement and that it's working out for you. Just keep in mind that people who don't have that may not always need to be felt sorry for. It just might not be the right kind of arrangement that meets their needs.

I know that for myself, in a closed polyfi triad, when I hear that one partner needs the reassurance that they will be loved slightly more than the other partner in order to feel comfortable, it would not be something I'd be comfortable with. I have no problem with that kind of dynamic in a V though even then I prefer to think of it as loving each partner differently, not more or less. That may not be what you meant by it, but I find it difficult to translate what you said in any other way. Either way, what's good for the goose is not always good for the gander.

But seriously, it's fantastic that it's working out for you and I really do wish you the best of luck!
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